Thursday, September 29, 2005

Suitcase Full Of Guns Day

Suitcase Full Of Guns Day!

Your old high school buddy looked you up recently and asked if he could crash with you for a week. It's been a month now that he's been sleeping on your couch, and you're tired of talking about the old times. He says he's been looking for work, but he hasn't had any luck. You don't know what kind of work he's looking for, and when you try to ask he changes the subject to how hot the captain of the field hockey team used to be and how he fat she was at the last reunion.

He never wears a suit jacket for his job hunt. Every morning when he leaves he's wearing the same black and white velour sweat suit. And just before he leaves, you see him pull his suitcase out from under the couch and drag it and an empty duffel bag into the bathroom. When he comes out, the duffel bag is full. He then shoves the suitcase under the couch again and disappears until dinnertime.

Today, you came home early, and since there were still a few hours before he would get back you decided to finally open his suitcase. You were surprised when you saw all those guns because you had assumed he was selling cocaine. Surprised and disappointed. You love cocaine and you were hoping that you might be able compensate yourself for your hospitality by stealing from his supply.

"Great," you said out loud. "What am I supposed to do with a handgun?'

You took one of the guns out of the suitcase and starting shooting stuff around the house that you never really liked. A vase left behind by an old roommate. A Garfield clock. All your old shoes. It turned out to be a really great time.

"Guns are fun," you said out loud to yourself.

You put the gun under your pillow and started making a big dinner. You had so much fun you were suddenly glad that your old high school buddy came to stay and you decided to make him something special. The phone is about to ring. It will be your old high school buddy calling to tell you that your life is in danger.

"Get out of the house," he'll say.


"I'm a gun runner."

Say, "I know, I found your guns. Guns are really great. I had no idea. I've been shooting stuff all day. The place is kind of a mess."

"Glad you had fun," he'll say. "My supplier got picked up by the FBI. He's going to testify against his boss. The whole crew is gunning to take out everybody who worked for him, including me. Get out of the house now. They're coming for me."

Say, "Where should I go?"

"Just start running and call my cell in an hour," he'll say. "And bring the guns."

Say, "Awesome. I was gonna ask if I could have some of the guns."

"We'll need to sell them for cash," he'll say. "Get going."

Pull the case out from under the couch and get going. When you meet up with your old high school buddy, shoot him. Just like you did with your shoes. The gun doesn't know the difference between your old high school buddy and some shoes. Shoot him and then run off someplace where you can find work and live cheap so you won't have to sell any of your guns. Your beautiful guns.

Happy Suitcase Full Of Guns Day!