Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Date Night Day

Date Night Day!

You and your wife are grossed out by each other. But tonight's Date Night, which means you have to eat dinner with each other and then have sex with each other.

"At least the food is good," your wife will tell you when her plate of seared tuna is placed before her.

"Mmm," you'll say while chewing on your Filet Mignon. "When we're having sex later, I'll be thinking about this steak."

"I'll be thinking about a good movie I saw recently," your wife will say.

"A movie?" you'll ask. "Was it a sexy movie?"

"Just a biopic. But I was enthralled."

You'll laugh. "And that's what's going to carry you through unwanted sex with me? I'll never understand women."

"Oh but a steak is sexy?" she'll say.

You'll chew on another bite with great fanfare. "You have no idea how sexy, my dear."

You'll eat in silence for the rest of the meal, just a conversation between your utensils scraping across the plates. Then the check will come.

"Should we go home and have some sex then?" you'll ask her.

"Let's go to the bar for a few," she'll say. "I don't think I can take it yet."

You'll be relieved, because you weren't ready to have sex yet either. You needn't worry though. You're not going to make it home to have sex tonight. You'll both order way too many drinks and you'll be the last ones at the bar when three gunmen arrive to rob the place. They'll kill both of you, along with the bartender and the floor manager of the restaurant.

It's a shame. Had you not lost your desire for each other, you never would have needed to engage in Date Night and you'd still be alive tomorrow.

Happy Date Night Day!