Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dads Are Sitting In Their Cars Listening To The Radios Day!

Every night after dinner they go outside to the streets, get in their cars, turn on the radios, and sit and listen until the Moms send their youngest daughters out to knock on the car windows and ask the Dads to come inside.

"It's probably connected to the recession or something," says an out-of-work expert named Laraine. "They probably lost their jobs, moved their families to smaller houses with no driveways, and they feel like they don't deserve to share their homes with these people they've let down, so they go listen to their radios in their cars."

People who walk past the Dads say they don't see them cry. They don't see them rock out. They don't see them do much of anything really. They just listen to the radio and breathe and think about stuff, it looks like.

"I'm telling you, recession!" insists Laraine, a person who used to make money acting like she knew everything, but now gives it out for free. "The Dads are probably thinking about how just eighteen months ago they could have gone out to their cars and taken their own lives by turning on the motors and shutting their garage doors, but now they can't because they had to move into houses without garages. Too broke to die. Get it?"

The daughters who go out to knock on their Dad's car windows are the real victims in all this. In order for them to convince their Dads to come in, they have to go out there in their pajamas, with their arms wrapped around plush toys. As we head into Autumn, the nights are going to get a lot chillier and those pajama-clad daughters are going to start catching colds.

Happy Dads Are Sitting In Their Cars Listening To The Radios Day!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Spraypaint Day!

Your twelve-year-old daughter was sent to the principal's office for spraypainting a boy's body.

"It's what I dig," she says. "He was into it."

"I won't have you shame her," tell the principal.

The principal explains that while they do what they can to let sexuality blossom without any finger-wagging, your daughter's practices can be harmful. To the lungs.

"Sex is messy," your daughter shrugs.

The boy's parents are traveling in Europe for the year so there's nothing to worry about there.

"What's the problem here?" demand of the principal. "As far as I can see, my daughter and this boy were just experimenting with aerosol compounds. Just like I used to do when i was a kid, and I'm betting, like you used to as well Principal Harris."

Principal Harris will blush. That's the beginning.

She'll let your daughter go with a warning to use painter's masks from now on, which cost only pennies from any hardware store. In a week she'll call you again. You'll recognize the number, but she won't say anything when you pick up. You'll listen to each other breathe for a few seconds. Finally, you'll say "Where." She'll name a hotel and say, "45 minutes."

Happy Spraypaint Day!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Man Come By Take Your Wife Day!

People keep cornering you to give you pep talks about that man who came by and took your wife.

"Man come by take your wife, you go take her back," they say.

You try to explain again how it all played out. That the man walked through the front door while the two of you were watching "Saving Grace." The man looked at your wife and said "Let's go." Your wife looked at you and said "I'm going." You looked at her and said "Can't blame you."

"Woman needs to see it. Needs to know, you're her man. All there is to it."

They don't understand who you are and what you're capable of. They think that just by explaining to you what most people would do - what they would do if they were in your situation - it will inspire you to go out and do the same.

"She wanted you on your feet. She wanted you bloodying that man to bits."

You tell them that you appreciate their concern, and their encouragement, but you will not let anyone else tell you how you're supposed to treat your wife. You raise your voice and you tell them "No one tells me how to treat my wife!"

They tell you it's "No one tells me how to raise my child" and that you don't have a child. They tell you it's okay to tell someone how to treat his wife, especially if his wife just up and left with some man who walked through the front door. They ask you flat out, "Do you want her back?"

You say of course you do but you won't go get her and drag her back into your arms because then she'd have to be in your arms again and you wouldn't wish that on anybody.

"Honestly," say to them. "She's probably really happy with this new guy and if you were really her friends, you wouldn't try to get me to try to go and convince her to come back and live here with me. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Jerks."

Finally they will admit that they really were just trying to be cruel to your wife, to try and make her have to live with you again because they are jealous of the new happiness she must be enjoying, and they will leave in shame.

Happy Man Come By Take Your Wife Day!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Shopping For School Clothes With Dad’s Girlfriend Tami (A Back-To-School Miracle!) Day!

Since Tami is only seven years older than you, she dresses really cool and she still remembers how important it is to look hot in high school. You didn’t think Tami liked you that much, because she hasn’t really wanted to spend much time with you since she started dating your dad, so you're surprised when she comes into your room and says, “Let’s go get you some school clothes.”

You tell her that you usually go shopping for school clothes with your mom, but Tami says, “Well this year you’re going with me. Come on, you have to look superhot on your first day.”

Tami lets you buy skinny jeans, which Dad never lets you buy. She lets you buy a bunch of things from American Apparel, and mom won’t even let you set foot in there. You buy like six pairs of the cutest shoes, and Tami even brings you into Gap Body and helps you pick out bras.

Some of the stuff is super-expensive too. You'll probably spend more on your school clothes this year than all the other years combined, but Tami says it's cool and just charges it all to your Dad’s credit card.

“You sure Dad’s not gonna get angry about this?” you ask when you're at the food court. “He never lets me spend this much. He says I’m too young to spend so much on clothes.”

“Your Dad says a lot of stuff he doesn’t really mean,” Tami says, kind of staring blankly at the Chick-Fil-A counter.

After lunch Tami takes you to the MAC Cosmetics store and you try on a ton of makeup. Tami doesn’t help you out too much though. The counter girl tells you what colors are right for you while Tami is in the back talking to one of her friends who works there. At first it looks like they're fighting because Tami seems really angry, but before you leave she and her friend hug for a really long time, and it looks like the friend is comforting Tami. Then Tami comes over and tells you to buy all the makeup you tried on. It costs over $250!

“Are you sure Dad’s not going to be upset about this?” you ask Tami when you're walking towards Macy’s. Tami is walking really fast so you have to kind of trot to keep up.

“If he gets upset,” she says to you. “You tell him he shouldn’t expect other people to do the right thing when he keeps doing the wrong thing over and goddamned over again.”

You tell Tami you aren't sure if you could say all that to your Dad, but she doesn’t hear you. You're walking really fast now, right past juniors, past womens, and up the escalator into men’s.

“What are we doing here?” You start to ask, but then you stop in your tracks when you see your mom standing behind the Men’s Fragrance counter. You didn’t even know she’d started working again after she and your dad separated.

“Mom?” you say.

Before she can answer, Tami starts picking up cologne sample bottles and throwing them at your mom, screaming at her and calling her a bitch and a cow and the c-word. Your mom ducks behind the counter, trying not to get hit, while Tami is practically falling over the counter grabbing at her hair, shouting stuff like “I’ll kill you you whore” and “Just let him go you old cow” and “Think you won’t lose him again? Think you can really hang onto him this time?”

Some security guards come and drag Tami out of the store, and your mom finally stands up and shouts, “He’s my husband!” But Tami is already gone.

And that’s how you're going to find out your mom and dad are getting back together!

Happy Shopping For School Clothes With Dad’s Girlfriend Tami (A Back-To-School Miracle!) Day!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Write A Letter To Some Rain Day!

Start with "Dear Rain" because it's respectful, then be self-effacing right off the bat.

"I know I'm an asshole for going back and forth about you." that way the rain won't want to call you an asshole because you already came up with it.

Get hostile all of a sudden. "But seriously, who gives a shit what you think of me? You're weather." That was cold but it's the only way to guarantee a clean break.

Now it's time to lay it all down plain. "On Monday I was into you. On Tuesday, I thought, this is still kind of boss. Today, sorry but you're what's wrong, not me."

You're doing it! You're really doing it! Keep going. "I probably didn't need to write this letter because I see according to a website that can see into the future that tomorrow you're going to be replaced by sunshine and also you can't read (no eyes)."

Ouch on the 'no eyes' thing.

"Bye and once more, I don't like you the way I did 40 hours ago (that was fun then)."

Awesome. Now close. "So long. Love (why did I write love, I don't), [your name]."

Yes! That rain is going to kill itself you broke its heart so sad.

Happy Write A Letter To Some Rain Day!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Do You Wanna Come With Me Day!

A man will hold out his hand and ask, "Do you wanna come with me?"

No blood on his hand, some scars, fingernails thick as a car windshield, and a wedding ring so old the gold's gone bad.

"Do you wanna come with me?"

If you take his hand he'll lead you to the passenger seat of his Caprice Classic, and he'll drive you across town to a small, two-story home.

Inside he'll sit you down in a chair that looks like it's only purpose is to make the elderly sit up straight while they die. He'll give you a glass of tonic water and he'll turn on the TV. A rerun of "Medium."

"Is this it?" you'll ask.

He'll nod, belch airily.

"I was kind of hoping for an adventure," you'll say.

He'll laugh once. Then he'll get lost in the show.

In the show, a person will have died, but no one will know why. Then the medium will use psychic powers and it's over.

"Time to turn in," he'll say. He won't get up. He's going to sleep exactly where he's sitting on that couch.

"Is there anyone else who lives here who might involve me in dangerous capers? Or maybe a love affair that will be my end?"

He'll shake his head slowly from left to right while watching the evening news on mute.

"Why did you ask me to come with you?"

"I asked you if you wanted to come with me, and you did. Apparently where you were sucked so bad you didn't care where I was going."

You'll try to remember how you felt about where you were, and whether it was so much worse than the chair in which you're sitting. You won't be sure, so you'll keep comparing, looking back every chance you get. You'll stay in the chair, looking back and doing your best to decide which was the better life. You'll die sitting up straight.

Happy Do You Wanna Come With Me Day!