Motion Detector Day!
Your ex is going to come sneaking up to your house to try to drop a letter in your mail slot and run away. The letter will tell you that he was a fool for having let you go, and that he would do anything to get you back. He wants this all to reach you in a letter first, because he fears he'd mess it all up if he told you in person. But when the motion detector switches on the floodlights outside your house, he'll freeze and wait for you to come to the window.
Since you've never referred to him as "Cowboy," say, "What you got in your hands, Cowboy?"
"Cowboy?" he'll say. Don't respond. Just wait.
"It's a letter," he'll say. "For you." He'll hold it out to you.
Go to the door and let him see you in your light blue nighty, the one that shows your knees. He always loved that one. He'll take two steps toward you before you ask:
"What's it say?"
He'll hold the letter out to you again. This time, kind of pleading you to take it.
"What's it say?"
He'll look down at the envelope in his hands, as if he had no idea what might be written on the pages inside.
Say, "Does it say that you want me back?" Take a step forward onto your porch and cross your arms. The yellow from the porch lamp will look awesome on your bare shoulders.
He'll say, "Yeah. Kind of."
"That doesn't sound like a very well-written letter," say.
Again he'll hold out the letter to you. "Read it," he'll say.
Step closer to him. Say, "Why? I already know that it says you kind of want me back."
He'll open his mouth but he won't say anything. He really can't say anything. He can only answer your questions either with direct answers, or with requests that you read his letter.
Ask him, "Do you want me back? I won't read your letter. I just want you to answer that with your words. Do you want me back? Do you want us to get back together and be together?"
He'll open his mouth. Nothing will come out.
"Do you want us to be together? Because we could be together for a really long time if you say yes. And it'll be just like before, but a little worse. Do you want that?"
Now he's gonna just look angry. Like his mom just explained, very clearly, why he can't ride his bike after dark.
"Do you want me back?" ask.
He'll finally say, "I don't know."
Say, "The letter doesn't say that, does it?"
He'll shake his head. Now, grab the letter out of his hands and open it and read it aloud to him. By the time you get to the second paragraph, he'll run away with his hands over his ears.
Happy Motion Detector Day!