All Your Friends Keep Killing Themselves Day!
As of New Years Day, 2005, you had 14 friends whom you would call your "buds." As of the phone call you received this morning at 8:40 AM, that number has dwindled down to 8. Go wake your wife.
"Ginny's gone," tell her.
Your wife will ask, "Note?"
Nod. "She wrote only, 'I'm sick of TV.' Then slit open one of her wrists and sat on her couch in front of the TV."
Your wife will ask, "What channel?"
Your wife will hug you. Don't tell her that you're going to kill yourself next. She always said that you and your friends were really creepy with the way you all dressed the same and were into the same bands and stuff. "In high school and college, fine. But for God's sake you're all in your forties," she'd say.
You've decided that you're going to jump off a bridge. None of your friends have done that yet, and you think they'll all be impressed with your knack for originality. "That was the thing about [YOUR NAME]," they'll say. "He was always the one who made everyone go, Now that's the way it's done! Like remember his Halloween costumes?" The they'll all reminisce about your clever "visual pun" Halloween costumes.
When your wife pulls herself out of your hug, she'll say, "I'm so glad you haven't killed yourself. If you ever did such a thing, I don’t think I'd ever recover."
Don't let it dissuade you. Friends are important.
Happy All Your Friends Keep Killing Themselves Day!