Friday, July 31, 2009

There’s An Atheist In Your Foxhole Day!

After four days hiding from the shelling in your foxhole, some guy pokes his head in and says, “There is no God. Shove over.”

You shove over, then you say, “I thought there weren’t any atheists in foxholes.”

The guy says there’s one in this foxhole so guess that settles that. “Also, your whole religion is a fairy tale,” he says. “Old guy with a beard sittin’ on a cloud givin’ a crap about your life. GIVE ME A BREAK!”

You ask him what God ever did to him and he says, “He took my wife and kids away from me. Couldn’t believe in the guy after that.”

You start to ask him how it happened, but he doesn’t get the chance to tell you about the drunk driver who crashed into his car. The whistle of a bomb streaks undeniably straight for your location, and without thinking the atheist pulls you on top of him and shields himself from the explosion with your body. You’re killed instantly and the atheist decides God delivered you unto him so that you could give your life to spare his and his belief in and love for God is restored. And thus your death was necessary to keep that “No Atheists In Foxholes” rule alive and well. You’d agree it was worth it if your torso wasn’t soup right now.

Happy There’s An Atheist In Your Foxhole Day!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tell Your Parents You Can’t Move To The New Town With Them Day!

Your Dad just got offered a great new job with a huge raise. It’s really going to set up your whole family for life. Unfortunately, the job requires that you all move to Santa Fe. You’ve tried to explain that this is really inconvenient for you, but they just brush your concerns off, saying you’re only twelve and you’ll make new friends. They’re not taking you seriously.

Today’s the day of the big move. The truck is in the driveway, almost full. One thing not in that truck is your suitcase.

“I’m not going with you, Mom and Dad,” you’ll tell them. They’ll be in the kitchen making calls to arrange for various deliveries and utility transfers.

“Not now,” they’ll say.

Drop your suitcase and shout, “No. Now!”

They’ll hang up their phones and turn their attention to you.

“I have built a life here. I have friends. I have my soccer. I have a girlfriend who just let me kiss her for the first time last Friday afternoon. You can’t ask me to just give all that up and run off with you because you got a new job!”

Your parents will sit down on boxes and they’ll speak in calmer tones.

“You have to understand we’re only thinking about what’s best for all of us.”

Tell them, “What’s best for me is that I finish what I start. That I live the life I’ve been living. My life. Not yours.”

“Where will you live? What will you do for money?” your mother will ask.

“I have my route,” you’ll say. You distribute coupon circulars throughout the neighborhood on a weekly basis. “My school lunches are subsidized by local taxes. I’ll get by.”

“But we’re a team,” your dad will say.

“You can’t be a team if you don’t let your players play their best game.”

Your parents will know then that they’re not going to talk you out of this. “How can we reach you?” your Mom will ask.

“I’ll be staying in the fort me and my friends built out in the woods. I don’t get mail there yet, but if you send word people in this town will know how to find me.”

Your Mom will hug you and your dad will walk you outside. “This girlfriend. She pretty?” he’ll ask.

“She’s okay,” you’ll say.

Your Dad will tell you how he split up with his parents for a girl when he was ten and he never looked back. “You do what you gotta do.”

Your Dad will tousle your hair and wish you luck. You’ll head to the curb and stick out your thumb to hitch your way into the future.

Happy Tell Your Parents You Can’t Move To The New Town With Them Day!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Your Buddies Just Stopped By To Let You Know You're Beautiful Day!

Your buddies Nick and Booter are buzzing your apartment. They're on their way to work at Knutzens Tire Junction, but they just wanted to stop off and let you know that you're beautiful.

"I'm not!" you shout into your intercom.

"You is too!" Nick shouts back. "Don't you fuckin' say otherwise."

"I'm ugly! I am ugly!"

"You fuckin' piece of shit!" shouts Booter. "All throughout high school you were always the most attractive one of our crew. Whenever we'd do whippits, all the girls would fight over who gets to suck on the tube after you."

"And the waitresses always used to give you free cokes at Cracker Barrel," Nick adds.

"So don't fuckin' tell us you're not beautiful!" commands Booter. "Forget what Stacy Knutzen says."

"She's lonely and she's drunk with power," says Nick. "Wants to pretend she's Cleopatra."

Stacy Knutzen took over control of Knutzen's Tire Junction after her father died. She's a 26-year-old junior college grad with not a lot of brains. She announced on her first day on the job that she was firing "all the girls and the not-hot guys." You got the axe.

"There's no accounting for taste," Nick adds.

"What if I exercised?" you ask them. "If I lost like fifteen pounds? Got back down to my hockey weight?"

Nick and Booter hesitate. Then they shout, "Um, yeah! Sure! You could--" But you release the listen button and go back to bed. That moment's hesitation told you everything. You'll never be hot enough to get hired back into that tire shop. It's all over for you.

Happy Your Buddies Just Stopped By To Let You Know You're Beautiful Day!

Friday, July 24, 2009

You Missed Yesterday Day!

You slept through yesterday. You slept a full 36 hours. You don't know why. You weren't drugged. You weren't sick. You just didn't wake up.

You'll go to the doctor and he'll tell you that there's nothing wrong with you.

"You were sleepy," he'll say.

"Do I look different to you?" you'll ask. "Like maybe yesterday was a big sleep to prep for me turning it all around in my life? Do you think maybe from here on in I'm really gonna make it happen?"

You doctor will flash his pen light in your eyes.

"Only time will tell," he'll say.

When you go home from the doctor, you'll sit still on the couch, waiting for your new resolve to kick in. After about an hour, you'll turn on the TV and watch three Law & Order SVU's, then you'll crank call your ex.

Happy You Missed Yesterday Day!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

You Make Comforters Filled With Human Fat Day!

Most serial killers just want to kill people in order to dress up in their skin. You think that’s selfish. You never kill someone unless you think they have enough fat inside them to fill a queen sized comforter. So you’re kind of like Dexter. He only kills people who deserve it. You only kill people whose deaths can help others stay warm.

“It’s better than goose down,” you tell the rich people at the entrepreneur fair where you’re hoping to find investors. “It’s squishy, so the blanket oozes around your form, covering you like a womb.”

“But doesn’t human fat decay after not too long?” they ask.

“Yes,” you say. “But for a day, or at least most of an afternoon, you are snug as a bug in a rug. A rug made of human fat.”

“How much would you charge for these rapidly deteriorating blankets?”

“Well, obtaining the fat isn’t easy, but the customer is lucky in that I love the process,” you say. “Fifty grand per blanket.”

“I’d like to invest in your product sir!” one of the rich people shouts. “I will provide full funding! Whatever you need!”

Everyone at the entrepreneur fair applauds because they all know a small-business owner’s dreams just came true. Unfortunately, the man who claims to be a wealthy investor is actually the younger brother of one of your victims and he’s about to chloroform you and spend the next few days sawing you apart, slowly though so you can feel it. You try to explain to him how his older brother helped keep you warm on a cold winter’s night so his death wasn’t for nothing, but this a-hole only cares about himself.

Happy You Make Comforters Filled With Human Fat Day!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Is That All There Is? Day!

You’ve been trying to come up with a fun catchphrase to use at work, at home, and on the racquetball court. Well throw away the drawing board, because from here on in you’re going to be the “Is that all there is?” guy!

Some examples for usage:

The big sales meeting has ended. You’ve just learned that your division’s profit is up by 6% and the merger with London is almost guaranteed to go through. When everyone is ready for you to give them the sign to break for lunch, take a moment. Place your hands on the conference table and stare down at the floor, not blinking so that your eyes turn a little red. Then look up, stare deep into the distance and ask, “Is that all there is?”

You and your wife have just finished dinner. You worked together in the kitchen to make a delicious plate of lamb chops and cauliflower. The candles are still burning. There’s just a nick of wine left in the bottle and the bedroom is calling your names. Take a moment. Stare down at the remains on your plate, then look up and into the candle flame. Look at it like you can see the next fifty years of your life contained in that tiny flame. Ask, “Is that all there is?”

You’ve just been in a car accident. Your car was totaled but you’re fine. The other car exploded with its passengers inside. They are presently running frantically along the median, engulfed in flame. Stare past their firey chaos and ask, “Is that all there is?”

Your first child was just born! Your wife is sobbing. The doctor is laughing, holding the healthy baby boy up for the both of you to see. Let go of your wife’s hand, stare past the baby and ask, “Is that all there is?”

You only have one package of Oreo Cakesters left in the cabinet. Stare past the single package and ask, “Is that all there is?”

You’ve just been told there’s nothing the doctors can do for you and you’ll be dead within the hour. With your final breaths, gasp and wheeze your hilarious catch phrase one last time. “Is… [cough cough] that… [vomit blood, vomit bile, some more blood] all… [die]

Happy Is That All There Is? Day!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

You Are An American Designer Of Toilets Day!

You are SICK of always chasing the Japanese! What God decided that all toilet innovation must come from the East? Everyone in the world needs toilets, but only one people is willing to sink the bucks into the research to make those toilets the strangest and best that they can be.

"People don't like a lotta doodads crawling all over em when they take a poo," your boss tells you.

"People lack imagination," you tell him right back.

You're betting the first time an idea of an automated car wash was put on the table it drew a whole lotta gasps. And look at the automated car wash now! Well your toilet design has all of the same elements of the automated car wash and then some. The jiggly rags, the squeegee walls, the multiple high-pressure jets of soapy water. If someone in this country would just take a chance on you, people would finally get the clean they deserve.

Today you've got another lunch meeting with yet another toilet R&D veep at a competing company. If your boss ever finds out you'll be out on your ass. But you have to get your vision out to the people. There are a lot of hurtles, one big one especially.

"Your design has a straight razor?" is the question you always get midway through the presentation.

"Multiple straight razors," is the answer you always give, which never helps to put anyone at ease. "Grooming down there is more popular than ever."

People often accuse you of being juvenile for referring to human genitalia as "down there," but just because you happen to design innovative toilets you don't think that should preclude you from being a gentleman.

Happy You Are An American Designer Of Toilets Day!

Monday, July 20, 2009

You’re The Cool Warden Day!

Today’s the big day. The first day of Dannemora State Prison’s new morale-building program, “Rock n’ Roll Mondays.” From now on, every Monday morning when the gates are pulled back on the cells, the inmates will hear pumped over the PA system several hours of classic Rock music. You picked the first song yourself. “Twist and Shout” by the Beatles. You can’t wait to see the faces of your inmates as they groove their way out of their cells to make their way to work detail.

You’re pretty sure the inmates refer to you as the “Cool Warden.” You’ve been doing everything you can to make clear that there’s really not all that much difference between you and your inmates. As you like to say at your weekly “Rap Sessions” with randomly selected groups of five inmates, they’re people just like you. They just happened to make a big mistake. Could’a happened to anyone.

“Hey, I got a little wild in my day too,” you like to tell them. “We all gotta get a little wild every now and then, am I right? But nowadays when I wanna get wild, I take it out on my ax.” Then you break out your electric guitar and play them some Thorogood. They love that.

You once even bunked in a cell with some inmates for a night, just to let them know you’re not one of those uptight wardens who’d never step foot in one of those cells except for during inspections. Sure, it ended with the inmates taking you hostage and attempting to escape, only to get their heads shot off by snipers, but you’re still pretty sure you reached them that night.

Unfortunately, Warden, today’s not going to be as fun as you’d hoped. Rock n’ Roll Mondays is going to have to be postponed when your guards find that three hacks were quietly beheaded last night. Retribution from the White Supremacists against the Born Agains for stealing one of their “Mouth Dolls” (new inmates who are abducted by a gang, and whose teeth are knocked out of their gums so that there is no bite-down risk when they are forced to perform fellatio on gang members). You’d better help everyone cool off with a mandatory “Chill Out Session” (basically, lockdown). Sometimes, even the Cool Warden has to act like a square.

Happy You’re The Cool Warden Day!

Friday, July 17, 2009

You Sell Old Playboys Day!

Tonight's your third date with Susan and you really think she might be the one for you so you're going to have to tell her the truth.

"I'm not the owner of several night clubs in New York, Miami, and Sao Paolo," you'll say to her over dessert. "I sell old Playboys on the sidewalk. On a blanket."

"A blanket?" she'll ask. "You don't have a folding table?"

"Saving up for one," tell her.

"Why did you lie to me?" she'll ask.

Tell her, "I just like you so much. You look just like Miss July, 1970."

She'll blush. "The one where she's in the hammock?"

You'll stare at her for a second, stunned by what you just heard.

"That's Miss September, 1971 for Christs sake! How could you get that wrong?"

"I'm sorry," Susan will say. "I must have got them confused."

You were all wrong about Susan. Get the hell out of there.

Happy You Sell Old Playboys Day!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hypnotist Sex Day!

Hypnotist sex is terrible because after it's over you can never remember any of it so it's time to go find someone new.

"I'm through with you," you'll say to your hypnotist girlfriend. "I want someone who can give me a sexual experience that I can remember."

"You are getting sleepy," your hypnotist girlfriend will say to you while swinging a necklace in front of your eyes right before having sex with you again exactly the way she likes it. Tomorrow you'll try to break up with her again but the same thing will happen. And don't try to just make a run for it to the bus station. The minute you try and buy a ticket you'll start clucking like a chicken until the police are summoned.

Happy Hypnotist Sex Day!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Sculpture Garden Day!

Today when you run down the street to the sculpture garden outside the junior college, you'll be certain that today's the big day when you see those sculptures come to life and fight.

When you get there, they'll all be still. You'll feign disappointment, then you'll walk down the block looking visibly sullen. Once you're out of sight, hide behind a tree and wait a few minutes until the sculptures feel comfortable enough with your absence to move again. It might take a few minutes or a few hours, but keep watching. They'll move. You can bet on it.

One word of warning though. Instead of fighting, when the sculptures come to life the only thing they ever like to do is reenact famous hate crimes. Tonight the sculptures are going to reenact the murder of an abortion doctor, Dr. David Gunn, who was killed in 1993 in Pensacola, FL. The reenactment will be very respectful and very solemn, since everyone involved will be cement gray with mouths sealed shut. It's going to make you feel pretty bad about America tonight, but at least you'll finally get to watch the sculpture garden come to life.

Happy The Sculpture Garden Day!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

You Are A Landlord Who Installs Hidden Cameras In Your Female Tenants Bedrooms Day!

You are a landlord who installs hidden cameras in your female tenants' bedrooms, therefore you know who killed Missy Colgate, the young blond beauty whose murder was splashed across the covers of all the newspapers. Unfortunately, you’re too embarrassed to help the police catch the killer because you fear that people will look down on you because you masturbate to your tenants’ private bedroom activities via hidden camera. The way you see it, you shouldn’t be expected to broadcast your private perversions to the whole world just because you want to help make sure a murder doesn’t go unpunished.

“It’s just not fair,” you say to yourself while watching the girl in 6B get ready for bed. “I shouldn’t have to suffer for being a good citizen.”

Maybe if the world wasn’t so judgmental, things would be different. But you know the sort of stares you’ll get at the market if you go public with what you know. No one will see you and think, “There goes that hero who made sure that poor girl’s killer got what he deserved.” No way. The only thing they’ll think is, “There goes that perv who jacks it to closed circuit video of his tenants.”

When you think about it, it’s so hard for a witness to come forward without being victimized himself that it’s a wonder justice is ever served in this town.

“It’s not my fault people are so closed-minded,” you think. Then when the girl in 6B turns off her light, you turn off your TV monitor and crawl under the covers with the hope that your conscience won’t keep you up tonight.

Happy You Are A Landlord Who Installs Hidden Cameras In Your Female Tenants Bedrooms Day!

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Rubber Bandit Day!

Today you’re going to make your name as the world famous bank robber, The Rubber Bandit. You’re going to walk into the bank and lean over the counter with a rubber band cocked on your finger, aimed straight at the bank teller’s eye. You’re going to shout to the rest of the bank, “If anyone trips the alarm, this bank teller is getting a rubber band straight in her eyeball!”

The other employees will look at each other, unsure what to do. Then the bank manager will shout to the teller, “Carly, I’m going to have to trip the alarm I’m afraid.”

Carly will beg the bank manager not to do it, but he’ll insist that a rubber band in the eye just isn’t a bad enough threat to not risk it.

“But it’ll hurt!” Carly will shout.

“You bet it will. Don’t you trip that alarm,” you’ll say, fearing that they’re not going to take you seriously.

Carly and the bank manager will argue for a few minutes about how it might sting for a while, but we’re talking about thousands of dollars here and a stinging eyeball just isn’t worth that much.

“You’re willing to make that choice for her pal? You really ready to have that on your conscience?”

The bank manager will say. “I already have. I tripped the alarm a couple minutes ago.”

Everyone will wait to see what you’re gonna do. Ultimately, you’ll lower the rubber band without hurting Carly. You knew you didn’t have it in you to irritate an innocent person’s eye like that.

Happy The Rubber Bandit Day!

Friday, July 10, 2009

The 70 Year Old Virgin Day!

You are a 70 year old virgin and you stopped trying to have sex with people several decades ago. You keep your virginity a secret because it embarrasses you. You even adopted kids way back when you were in your 40’s, just so that people might think you had sex once. Your kids learned after a while that the only reason you adopted them was to hide the fact that you’re a virgin, and they were pretty pissed about it so they put you in a home. Today’s your birthday, so they’re making the one of two visits they make per year (the other one’s on Christmas).

The visit will be uncomfortable as usual, with your two kids checking their watches to see how long they have left before they can leave. Your roommate will tell your son that he looks just like you, giving your son the opportunity to say, “Oh well that’s just a coincidence because I’m adopted. We both are.”

Your roommate will then say, “Both your kids are adopted eh? Haven’t you ever had sex?”

You’ll start to cry and that’s when the news will spread all over the nursing home that you’re a virgin. The teasing won’t stop until you die.

Happy The 70 Year Old Virgin Day!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

You Steal Bikes Day!

This recession has forced us all to improvise to make ends meat. Some people have started substitute teaching, others have started killing for money. You’ve found that there’s a lot of cash to be made in the theft and resale of bicycles.

Today you’re going to steal a real nice mountain bike from a lady when she parks outside a deli for just a second while she grabs herself a juice. When you bring the bike to the second-hand bike shop, you’re going to find this is one hot bike that won’t be so easy to sell.

“I know this bike,” Jerry the proprietor will say. “You know whose bike this is?”

“Some girl’s,” you’ll say.

Jerry will open up a newspaper to an article on the Molinari mafia trial. You’ll see a photo of Mob kingpin Louie Molinari standing outside the courthouse laughing it up with reporters. Right next to him will be the girl you stole the bike from today. In the photo, she’ll be sitting on that very bike.

“Why’s she sitting on a bike outside the courthouse where her Dad’s on trial?” you’ll ask.

“Maybe she just finished up her bike ride in time to take a picture with her Pop,” Jerry will say. “Who knows? The point is, that girl loves her bike, and you just stole it from her. She’s the daughter of the most dangerous man in the city. If you think I’m gonna let that bike inside my store, you’re dead wrong.”

“What am I supposed to do with it?” you ask.

“Throw it in the river,” Jerry says. “Throw yourself in after it. It’s where you’re gonna end up anyhow.”

And that’s how you'll end up going on the run from the mafia, shithead.

Happy You Steal Bikes Day!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Minidress Day!

Because you look so mothereffing good in that minidress you’re going to find yourself on a private jet to Bermuda by ten p.m. tonight. The way it will happen is you’ll be in a bank when some thieves show up to stage a robbery. Unfortunately, one of the tellers will hit the alarm button (the teller will get shot in the head for that, a message to everyone else that these guys mean business). The police will come and it will turn into a full-scale hostage situation. The robbers will demand a private jet to Bermuda and they’ll decide to take one hostage with them. You’ll look so good in that minidress that there’s no way in hell they wouldn’t pick you. They just want to be near you for a little while longer, and even though they know deep down they’re probably never gonna make it to that beach, on the off chance that things might work out and they might get to see you in a bikini, it’s all but guaranteed they’re gonna drag you onto that plane with them.

So thanks to that minidress, and the way your body looks wrapped up in it, you might never see your husband and two kids again.

Happy Minidress Day!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Mom’s Stuck In A Tree Day!

“Can you get her down?” you’ll ask the fireman.

“Don’t know if anyone can get her down from there but herself,” the fireman will answer.

“But she just climbed up there too high and can’t figure out how to get back down. That’s all.”

“That’s all?” the fireman will say. “You really think that’s all that’s going on here?”

You’ll look up at your Mom. She’s seated on a branch. She looks patient, maybe a little distracted.

“What else is there?”

The fireman will explain that when a cat gets stuck in a tree, it’s typical because cats are stupid and they do stupid stuff like that. But when a human does it, they oughta know better. A human stuck up in a tree is usually the sign that something way deeper is going on here.

“Like what?” you’ll ask.

“Like she married the wrong man. She should’a married the first guy she fell for, but her parents disapproved because he didn’t come from a rich wealthy family.”

You’ll see what’s going on here now. “Did the first guy she fell for come from a family of firemen?”

“I would’a let the whole world burn for her,” the fireman will say. “But I ain’t gonna help her outta that tree. She can’t just decide all these years later to do something to make me rescue her. She has to find her way back down those branches herself.”

Put your hand on the fireman’s shoulder. You’ll enjoy touching him there. He could’ve been your dad, had your Mom not been so willing to let her own happiness slip away.

Happy Mom’s Stuck In A Tree Day

Monday, July 06, 2009

Your Dentist Gases You Until You’re Unconscious Then She Strips You Naked And Climbs Into Your Arms And Just Lies There For A Bit Day!

You have the same body type as her dead husband. She misses him. She’s felt so cold ever since he passed. The minute she saw you she knew you could make her feel the way he used to make her feel when she’d fall asleep naked in his arms. But she’s still not ready to date, still not sure she can go through all those motions of getting to know someone new before both parties agree it’s okay to share intimacy. So to avoid all that she decided it would be best to just misdiagnose you as being in need of extensive dental surgery. You’ve been seeing her once every two weeks for several months now, and at every visit she gases you until you’re unconscious, then she strips you and herself naked and climbs onto the chair, into your arms. Then she just lies there, feeling your warm, heavy limbs around her. She enjoys that for about a half hour, sighing and occasionally crying into your chest hair. When she’s done, she climbs off you, dresses you both back up, then she slices into your gums unnecessarily for a few minutes. When you wake up, none the wiser with a mouth full of pain, you go out to the front desk to schedule your dentist’s next brief respite from cold, cold longing.

Your Dentist Gases You Until You’re Unconscious Then She Strips You Naked And Climbs Into Your Arms And Just Lies There For A Bit Day!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

You’re On The Roof Of A Truck Day!

The truck is speeding through town, swerving left and right, trying to make you lose your grip and roll off but it can’t shake you free.

“Goddammit Julie I’m your father!” you shout at your daughter behind the wheel.

“You’re nothing to me!” she shouts back and she once again swerves to make you lose your grip. You almost slide off but just manage to secure yourself.

“Pull this truck over young lady!” you shout.

Your daughter speeds up. “I’ll kill us both if that’s what it takes!”

“No!” you shout.

Julie goes even faster. You can see that the bridge ahead is out. She really hates you that much that she’d kill herself just to make sure you die today. You really were a horrible father to her, weren’t you. But there’s only one way to redeem yourself.

“I love you sweetie!” you shout. Then you roll off the roof. Julie feels the bump when she runs you over. She slows down the truck to check her mirror to see that you’re not moving. Looking at your bloody remains she realizes that you really did love her. You might not have been a good father, but at least she knows you cared enough to give your life in order to save hers. So everything’s fine between you and your daughter now.

Happy You’re On The Roof Of A Truck Day!