Drink The Requisite Amount Of Alcohol So That You Will Finally Be Able To Saw Off Both Of Your Big Toes Day!
You've hated your big toes ever since you turned 32.
"Hey Big Toes," you often like to shout at them when you're in the bath. "Why don't you both go swimming in a river of shit and die there fucking big toes. Suck my face."
At which point you lift a foot up to your face and thrust a big toe in and out of your mouth until you've been shamed again. You know that the relationship you have with your big toes aint right, but you can't stop it. And that makes you hate them all the more because with every one of these episodes you know you're being dragged a little further away from Jesus.
You often imagine your big toes laughing at you at night. It keeps you up. Your toes are laughing at you and at what little control you have over yourself when it comes to their thick and meaty flesh. It's time to show them that you've got a whole lot more appendages that serve you far better than those two hunks of flesh and bone. Appendages that serve Jesus better too, though that's not hard. It's time to get drunk and cut off your big toes.
You'll need two bottles of bourbon, one hacksaw, a bathtub, and a tennis racket. The bourbon is to get you wasted so you don't feel much. The hacksaw is to get those fucking toes off of your body. The tub is to collect the blood. And the tennis racket is because you're going to be wanting to slap around and knock shit over from all the pain.
You should drink both bottles of bourbon, though that still won't be enough to dull the pain. But at least you'll have had a fun party up until the hacking starts. Once the toes are gone, give them to a priest. If you hang on to them, you know what will happen. Sure, a priest might fuck your toes too, but that's not your fault. You just have to get those things out of the house so that you can pray just once without hearing that cackling coming from inside your shoes.
Happy Drink The Requisite Amount Of Alcohol So That You Will Finally Be Able To Saw Off Both Of Your Big Toes Day!