Wednesday, September 29, 2010

That Hammering Day!

Go next door to find out what all that hammering is.

"What's all that hammering?"

You won't recognize the woman holding the hammer. She moved in last week and she's divorced.

"Divorced and ready to make up for lost time," she'll say, the hammer clutched in her soft palms.

You and the divorced woman will make love amongst the unpacked boxes.

"My husband never did it like that," she'll say. "He was too busy messing around with other women."

You'll tell her that you understand where she's coming from, that your wife cheated on you not all that long ago, and that it tore a hole in your heart.

"I guess I might have been getting back at her today," you'll say. "But now I feel kind of awful."

"Help me unpack," she'll say.

You'll start to help her unpack. Eventually you'll come upon a box of photos and you'll see a picture of a man you recognize. A man you've seen in pictures given to you by the private detective you hired to tail your wife. The man who met your wife in a motel room every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon for fourteen months.

"Wow small world," you'll say.

"Not so small," the divorced woman will say. "I purposely bought this house next to you. Your wife lured my man away from me. It's only right that I make love to hers. Didn't realize all it would take was a little hammering. I should have rented."

Happy That Hammering Day!

Friday, September 24, 2010

The President's Son Is A Car Thief Day!

You are the President of the United States and you can't stop bringing up the irony of you being the leader of the free world with a son who makes a living stealing cars.

"It should be a lesson to the people of this country," you've said in, like, six State of the Union speeches already. "No matter how powerful you are, you can still end up with some part of your life running astray, creeping off into the night, hotwiring Lexuses and driving them onto Russian freighters for a quick eighteen grand, just for the jazz of it. Think about that America."

Your advisers have warned you that the people are getting sick of hearing about your car thief son, and they're all pretty sure that you're proud of him.

"Why not talk about your daughter at Brandeis?"

You shrug. "What's there to talk about? The president's daughter gets good grades. Stop the fucking presses."

Your advisers tell you that the people think you wish you could have been a bad boy like your son, and they're afraid that you might try to fulfill that wish through policy.

"Yeah, right," you say. "Like a subclause in a jobs bill is really going to give me the same adrenaline rush my son probably gets when he jacks a Lincoln."

Your advisers will say that the people are worried that you don't like being president, and that you wish you had the freedom and devil-may-care lifestyle that your son has.

"Tell the people they're right on the damn money," you say.

This afternoon your son is going to appear on TV in another high speed freeway chase, this time he'll be driving a car carrier full of Benzes. You'll be the only one in the country rooting for your son to get away. Everyone else just wants him to go to jail so their president can finally learn that crime doesn't pay, that when you break the law you're eventually going to have the pay the price with your freedom. Lucky for you, he'll make it across state lines just before the police catch up to him, and since you enacted that "No, Seriously, The Cross State Lines And You Can't Get Arrested Anymore Law Is For Real From Now On" law last year solely to help your son stay free, you're not going to have to learn a damn thing today.

Happy The President's Son Is A Car Thief Day!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

You're Just Not Going To Get Anything Done Until You Have Sex With Jordan Day!

Call him.

"Jordan look I need this," say. "I've got a big month ahead of me but ever since you started temping at the office I've kind of become obsessed with you being inside me. What are you doing tomorrow at like 7 PM so we can make that happen?"

Jordan will ask who you are and how he knows you again.

"Cut the shit!" shout.

He'll remember now how he knows you since you scolded him on his first day for drinking out of your tea cup.

"Anyway. You. Inside me. Capiche? This is already taking too long and kind of fucking up my night."

Jordan will tell you that he's getting over a lovely ex of his named Karen and--

"Fine call me Karen then. Jesus. I'll wear a nametag. Tell me how she squealed and I'll make the same noise. Do you realize how many presentations I have to get ready in the next couple of weeks?"

Jordan will think about it.

"Okay," he'll say. "But just promise me you won't--"

Hang up on Jordan. Then send him an email telling him what time you want him to get inside you, and explain that you hung up on him because he already wasted enough of your time with his yappy mouth. Everyone hopes you get this Jordan being inside you thing taken care of because everyone is counting on you to do a great job. You sell soda machines to bus stations.

Happy You're Just Not Going To Get Anything Done Until You Have Sex With Jordan Day!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Assassin Priest Day!

Today you are a priest who makes money for your church and affiliated orphanage by being an assassin for hire. You got into the line of work a long time ago, back when it looked like the city was going to shut your church down (cities do that!) and all the orphans in your orphanage would be thrown into child protection programs and the foster care system. You had to do something!

"So I did what I promised myself I'd never do," you tell the Archbishop. "I followed in the footsteps of my father."

Your father was a special ops asset during the cold war, and he was the best there was.

"I only take jobs where I can be sure the target is a sinner, through and through, one who is beyond redemption."

"No sinner is beyond redemption," the Archbishop says. "You're assuming the role of God in your killings."

"Only by assuming the role of God can I get the money to continue doing God's work," you tell the Archbishop. "If it weren't for my contract killings, my church would be no more."

"Fine," the Archbishop says. "If you insist on lying to yourself, do what you have to do."

You raise your pistol and fire two rounds into the Archbishop's chest, and a third round into his forehead. You'd better head downtown to report the job done. No longer will your city have an Archbishop who uses his frock to shield a network of drug running, human trafficking, and arms dealing.

And most importantly, the orphanage is saved!

Happy Assassin Priest Day!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sam The Guy Your Daughter Married Once Day!

Today you'll be having a nice lunch in a nice restaurant when you'll be visited at your table by the restaurant manager. It will be Sam, the guy your daughter married once.

"Can you tell your daughter I'm manager here now?" Sam will ask. "She ended it because she said I'd never follow through on my dreams of managing a high-end restaurant like this one. Seeing as you eat here, you clearly agree that this place is pretty boss. Can you tell her? Can you tell your daughter I made it?"

"No," tell Sam. Then explain that your daughter cut you out of her life after you pressured her to divorce Sam.

"I'm the one who convinced her to leave you, son," tell him. "I told her she's better than you. I told her you were never going to be more than you were."

Sam's voice will be choked with rage. "Then you are duty-bound to tell her you were wrong!"

"She already knows, son," tell Sam. "But she's remarried to a man she doesn't love, and she has two young children who don't impress her, but she says she's stuck with them, all because I told her you weren't good enough. She told me it was all my fault and she said that's the last I'd hear from her."

"I could go to her," Sam will say. "I could destroy her family and we could finally live out the happy life I know we were supposed to share"

"It's the only way she'll ever speak to me again," say to Sam. "I'll fund the operation and get you the manpower."

And that's how you and Sam will join forces and gather an eclectic crew in a high-stakes caper to break up your daughter's home!

Happy Sam The Guy Your Daughter Married Once Day!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Cigarette Day!

When Jenny asks you for a cigarette today she'll only be asking you for it because she thinks you look absolutely breathtaking with a cigarette in between your big pink lips and she wants to look like that too.

"I want boys to want me the way they want you," Jenny will say.

Tell her, "Oh then you need the cigarette, definitely."

Explain to Jenny that before you started smoking boys never gave you the time of day. After you started smoking, you were stunned.

"Do you know how many poets go to this school? The minute I started smoking about nine boys started writing the most glorious verse about me. They'd rip the poems out of their notebooks, bloody the back of the pages and stick them to my locker for me to find after 5th period."

Jenny will be hanging on your every word. She'll be ready to strangle you just to get one of those cigarettes in her mouth.

"After you smoke this," tell Jenny. "You should get a day planner. And start telling your parents where you go and who you're with every time you leave the house. Some boys kidnap. Their parents have cabins in the woods and they try to take me up there and lock me away with them so no one else can have me. Boys don't like to share when they find the beauty they believe will save them."

"Oh my God," Jenny will say. "Give me one of those Marlboro reds right now or I think I'll explode."

Hand Jenny her cigarette and tell her, "We have something to celebrate anyway."

Light both of the cigarettes. Let Jenny inhale and feel her life change. Then...

"I'm pregnant and I'm not keeping it!" tell Jenny.

The two of you should jump up and down screaming and smoking.

Happy Cigarette Day!