Friday, September 29, 2006

Massage Chair Day!

Ever since you took that job at the Rose Junction Mall Friendly's you've been feeling that you might be at the absolute lowest point of your life. You used to be a teacher, but you got fired after you offered a boy student a ride home and he reported that you might be one of those teachers that want to marry thirteen year old boys that all of our nation's teachers are turning into lately. Your husband kicked you out because he didn't buy that you just wanted to help the kid out with a ride after he'd gotten a kickball in the face. You got a studio apartment near public transportation, and you got that Friendly's job, where you're still not making a full share of a shift's pooled tips because, according to the managers, 'You can't just walk into a Friendly's and expect to be on the same level as everyone else who's been working their butts off for years and years. Where the fuck do you think you are, fuckin' Fridays? Now go pitch some Parfaits dammit.'

Amidst all of this turmoil, when it all gets to much to handle, you head on up to the second level Sharper Image and you plop yourself down in the massage chair for an eight minute respite from reality. As those rollers knead your weary muscles and the heaters warm your cold, cold blood, everything feels like it's going to be okay. Your husband will eventually ask you to come back home. You'll eventually start making full share tips at Friendly's. And maybe one day you'll be able to find yourself a teaching job at a private school someplace. The hum of the massage chair is a jumble of hopeful whispers.

Today when you take your break and head into the Sharper Image, your heart will sink when you see a heavyset man in a suit and hat reclining in the chair. He'll be smiling at you when you walk in.

'Are you going to be long?' you'll ask.

'That depends,' he'll say, 'On what your name is.'

You'll tell him your name and he'll throw divorce papers at you.

'You've been served,' he'll say. Then he'll run out of the store giggling because he loves his job.

You'll pick up the papers and you'll realize it's all really over between you and your husband. Then you'll look at the 'out of order' sign on the massage chair and your heart will feel like it's just popped like a balloon stuck with a needle. You'll sit on the edge of the chair and cry. Then some bulbs will flash and you'll see a news photographer taking your picture. Tomorrow you'll appear on the front page in your Friendly's uniform with the caption, 'Kid Banger Working At Family Restaurant.' You'll be fired, and then you'll have no choice but to go to Friday's, where the motto is, 'We don't care how far you've fallen. We don't care what you might have done before you got here or whom you might have hurt. We don't care who you used to be. We're Friday's, and we only care about the here and now, the you and us. Join our staff and watch all those sad memories gradually fall away. Seriously, we're Fridays.'

Happy Massage Chair Day!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Home Early Day!

Today you're going to come home early from work and you'll find your seventeen-year old daughter making out on the couch with a kid who is not her boyfriend of two years. Break it up and bring your daughter into the kitchen to talk this out.

'What happened to Larry?' ask her.

'More like what happened to me?' she'll say. 'He barely even notices me. Too busy with lacrosse. Hopefully when he finds out about Roger in there he'll remember where his priorities lay.'

'Does Roger know about Larry?' ask her.

'Roger's got a big axe to grind against Larry,' she'll say. 'They've been next door neighbors since kids and Larry always had the more expensive Big Wheels. Pissed Roger off. I'm his chance to finally hit back after nearly two decades of taking it in the face. Larry should be coming over to walk in on us any minute now.'

Ask her if it even feels good or is she going through the motions just to carry out a betrayal. She'll say come on, I'm like seventeen. It all feels good. Tell her to carry on, but to make sure Larry and Roger fight it out in the backyard in consideration of all the ceramics in the house. Your daughter will give you a quick salute then she'll run back to the couch and lift up her shirt.

Happy Home Early Day!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Steal Twenties From Your Dad's Billfold Day!

If your Dad loves you, it's really easy to get away with stealing twenties from his billfold. (Note: If your Dad doesn't love you, don't steal from his billfold unless you know you can get away with it because if he finds out he'll beat you until you're blind in one eye.)

When you get caught stealing twenties out of your Dad's billfold, he'll sit you down the way he did when he thought you might be having sex with girls. He'll look at you with his forehead tilted down and he'll say, 'Is there something you want to tell me?'

Just say no. He doesn't expect you to answer honestly.

He'll next tell you that he's missing some money and he'll ask if you know anything about that. Just look down at the ground. Your Dad will start talking about how he's sorry he's been away a lot and he can understand if you feel like it's been hard to get his attention. He'll tell you that he wants you to know that he's sorry that he hasn't been as accessible as he should be.

NOTE: If your Mom is dead, here's where you should interject and say, 'You don't think Mommy saw me take the money do you?' Say that and you'll be so golden he'll probably give you his ATM pin.

If your Mom's still alive, just let your Dad keep talking for a little while about how his Dad was to him and how he never wanted to be like that to you. When you can't take it anymore, jump up and shout, 'What do you care if you lose some money?! You'll just go out and make some more. That's all you do is make money!' Then run to your room while he goes out and buys you a bike.

ONCE MORE BEFORE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS: If you're going to steal from your Dad's billfold, please be sure that he loves you first. If he doesn't, he'll drag you out to the car and use the cigarette lighter on your arm. You saw him do it to your big brother Joe. If your Dad doesn't love you and you steal from him anyway, this blog waives all responsibility for him doing to you what you saw him do to your big brother Joe.

Happy Steal Twenties From Your Dad's Billfold Day!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Your Husband Is A Witch Doctor Day!

Your husband is prolific in the voodoo arts, which is pretty cool. Except that you like to sleep around and whenever he finds out you're cheating he always turns the man you're cheating with into something terrifying, usually while you're making love. The last time it happened you were having sex in a motel with a real estate broker and everything was going great. Then all of a sudden the broker turned into a giant squawking falcon and he crashed through the window of the motel room and soared off into the sky. Another time you were having sex with a plumber and he was on top of you and he turned into a ripped up sack full of spiders. AND THERE WAS THAT ONE REALLY SCARY TIME when that bartender transmogrified into the shape of your husband. So you started calling him by your husband's name and asking him, 'Is that you?' He kept saying no. Then he went and looked in a mirror and he realized what he'd become and he ran away screaming, which was cool because you lost interest immediately as soon as he looked like your husband. Except that one was the worst because now whenever you see your husband on the street you're afraid to acknowledge him for fear that it's just that bartender again. You still to this day can't talk to your husband without first asking him some questions that only he would know the answers to.

All of this should have turned you off of cheating forever, but you just can't get enough. Tonight you're going to meet the remodeler that is designing your new master bathroom for a tryst at an apartment he keeps in the city so that he can have affairs with his clients. He'll be really good in bed until your husband turns him into a whole big pile of underfed human babies. Slide out from underneath the babies and tuck them into bed, then race home to ask your husband who the hell he expects to finish the master bathroom now. Your husband won't be able to answer because he'll be laughing too hard at the stain on your blouse from where one of the babies spit up earlier.

Happy Your Husband Is A Witch Doctor Day!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Double Date Day!

Go to a drive-in, you and your girlfriend Sarina in the front seat, Gail and her boyfriend Cooper in the back seat. Gail and Sarina are best friends, and you started dating Sarina six months ago so that you could try to get closer to Gail. Sarina is a nice girl and attractive enough, but you've been dreaming about Gail ever since you first saw her walk into homeroom. You feel bad for using Sarina this way, but when it comes to Gail common decency gets tossed out the window.

Tonight you'll be making out with Sarina and you'll be able to hear Gail in the back seat making out with Cooper. With your eyes closed you'll be able to pretend that Gail's moans and gasps are coming out of Sarina's body (who is very quiet during the whole experience). It will be the most turned on you've ever gotten with Sarina or anyone else ever (you're only sixteen). Naturally, Sarina will spoil the fun when she pulls away and says she wants to go and get some popcorn.

'I'll stay here,' you'll say. Sarina will look at you strangely. Then she'll shrug and leave you alone to listen to the half-naked couple pawing at each other in the back seat.

While Sarina is gone, you'll come upon the chance of a lifetime when you hear Gail commanding Cooper to stop. He'll clearly be forcing himself on her and this will be your moment to swoop in and be a hero. You'll get out and yank the rear door open and you'll pull Cooper out of the car by his neck. Gail and Cooper will explain that everything's all right and that they're just into role-play. You'll ask them what role-play is and they'll explain that they need to pretend to do horrible stuff to each other in order to get hot. And actually, they'll add, you jumping in and acting like a hero was a pretty naughty twist. They'll ask if you're free to burst into Cooper's parents' basement rec-room tomorrow after school.

You'll be surprised to learn that kids in your high school class can be so jaded that they have to resort to such kinks, but you've always been a little less experienced than the other kids. It will be something of a disappointment to have Gail finally take an interest in you but only if you first pretend to beat up her naked boyfriend so that she can stop the fight and tell you that there's enough of her to go around. But you're in high school and sex is sex, even if there's a guy there too. Waste not, want not. Oh and, don't forget to break up with Sarina when you drop her off after the movie.

Happy Double Date Day!

Friday, September 22, 2006

You Won't See Your New Boyfriend Naked Until You Shoot Him In The Chest Day!

You're a big city police detective in London and you've been seeing this new guy Stephen for a few months now. You've enjoyed his company, but you're trying to take it slow because your track record with men hasn't been too good. You've got a whole lot of drunks and marrieds on your bedpost, and you just want to make sure you aren't making a mistake with this one. It's been difficult keeping him at a distance because there is a palpable sexual connection between you two, and it's almost felt like a crime to deny it.

Luckily, you've been too busy to see Stephen very often anyway thanks to the big werewolf problem that everyone's freaking out about. All of your free time has been spent tracking down leads, trying to find this thing before the next full moon when he turns again. But it's hard to find a big dog when his hair's all gotten sucked back under his skin.

'I might not be able to catch the beast until the height of the full moon,' you told Stephen last week. 'But rest assured, I'll catch him. And after that, I want to see a whole lot more of you. In fact, I want to see all of you.'

Stephen said, 'Jolly good.'

The full moon is tonight, and you will make good on your promise. You will catch the werewolf when you open fire on it as it's bounding down an alley straight for your throat. And you'll finally see all of Stephen when the dead werewolf's claws recede and its fur disappears to reveal Stephen lying naked on the wet pavement, the five bullet-holes in his chest spurting blood and steam into the London night.

You'll kneel beside your dead boyfriend and you'll place your hand on his neck. To anyone else it would look like you were checking for a pulse. But you just want to feel his skin before it gets cold. You'll note that he has a birthmark just above his left hip. It looks like South America. You'll find a scar on his belly and you'll wonder whether the scrapes he endured as a werewolf would linger as scars when he turned back into a human, but it's probably just from an appendectomy.

You'll let your eyes search every inch of him in the few seconds before the squad of uniform cops come running down the alley to surround their fallen prey. When they arrive you'll stand up and you'll bark some orders around. Then you'll walk back to your car and drive out to the moors and with all the strength you have left, you'll cry for him.

Happy You Won't See Your New Boyfriend Naked Until You Shoot Him In The Chest Day!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

So Long To Gay Sex With Straight Truckers Day!

You live in a really boring town where the only sex you've ever had has been gay sex with straight truckers who have been on the road so long they don't care what they have sex with, just as long as he or she or it is tender and will listen when they whisper their dreams and secrets in the back of cab. It keeps the loneliness at bay, but you can't help but think there has to be more.

'Is this all there is?' you'll say to Buzz, a Portland man sporting a wedding ring who's driving a couple hundred radios down to Tennessee. You and he will be laying together in the back of his cab on a blanket he bought in Mexico. Buzz will be absently running his fingers through the hair on your chest.

'No offense,' you'll say. 'But all you straight truckers are all the same. You buy me some pie. You put your thing in my mouth. Then you chase me around the parking lot with a tire iron. I want romance.'

'Who says I'm straight?' Buzz will say with a smile.

You'll look at his ring. 'Commitment ceremony,' Buzz will say. 'Stephen's a pharmacist, and he understands that I get lonely on the road.'

Your heart will do a little dance. 'So I just had gay sex with a gay trucker?' you'll almost sing.

Buzz will say, 'I'm gonna be driving a couple hundred thousand Pokemon cards out to New Mexico next month. You gonna be in town?'

'I'll be here,' you'll say through a big smile.

'It's a date then,' Buzz will say.

A date. A real date. With a real gay trucker. There've been so many empty experiences over so many weekends, but you knew that if you kept wearing a half shirt to the truck stop parking lot, one day your prince would come along, and he would cheat on his husband with you. Anyone who thinks romance is dead has never had a slice of pie at the The Rachel Rose Diner & Gas off of I-81.

Happy So Long To Gay Sex With Straight Truckers Day!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Be The Whore Who Knows Too Much Day!

Today you should be a beautiful prostitute who charges thousands of dollars per hour. After one of your regular clients, a powerful world leader, has really unsettling sex with you (he likes to pretend that you and he are robins), he'll start telling you government secrets (launch codes, secret medical experiements, who's queer in congress). Later tonight, the world leader will be assassinated and you'll know that you're next. It will be a harrowing and hair-raising adventure as you escape international assassins and try to turn the tables on your assailants. Luckily, after years as a whore you are very adept at using sex as a weapon, and you'll fell many an enemy using nothing more than a welcome smile and a pretty dress (and knives). When they show you that they've found the daughter you abandoned years ago, you won't be scared of them anymore because the joy at seeing your little girl again will be so great that you won't have room in your heart for any other emotions. You'll kill everyone in the building and save your daughter because motherhood conquers all.

Happy Be The Whore Who Knows Too Much Day!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Torn ACL Day!

Today you're going to tear your ACL and ruin your chance of ever getting into college on a football scholarship. Scouts have been watching your every move last year and you were pretty much guaranteed to have your pick of the top schools. Once you tear that ACL though, you'll pretty much be guaranteed to stay in your town where there's a Dairy Queen and fix cars for the rest of your life.

'Why'd God do this to me Padre?' you'll ask the nosey Priest who's going to nudge his way into your hospital room and ask if he can listen to you talk about your very private pain.

'I guess he's got some stuff he wants you to do here in town,' the Priest will say. 'I know it's a shame that you were probably going to be really rich and experience lots of carnal rubbing with girls. But apparently God figures it's more important that you fix cars.'

'Hey,' you'll say. 'Maybe one day the president will come through town and his car will break down and my fixing it will guarantee that he'll get to Washington in time to make important new laws that God wants made.'

'Yeah that'll happen,' the Priest will chuckle. Then he'll walk out of your room and tell the nurses at the front desk to get a load of what you just said to him.

As it turns out, the reason God wanted you to tear your ACL was because if you went to college you would have joined a fraternity and built a 'panty cannon,' a firearm that shoots piles of panties up in the air so that it can look like panties are raining from the sky, which is something that is beautiful. One day you would have aimed the panty cannon at the sorority house from which you stole the pairs of panties during a break-in earlier in the weekend. You would have shouted for all of the sorority sisters to come outside to get their panties back (they were looking for them). Then you would have fired the panty cannon, but the weapon would have malfunctioned and all of the panties would have caught fire and the sorority sisters would have been blanketed with a barrage of burning underwear. One of the sorority sisters in question is the woman who will one day invent a pill that restores the memories of people who are suffering from amnesia. Had you gone to college and fired that malfunctioning panty cannon, she would have looked away from the sky too late and her eyes would have been burned out of her sockets. Instead of finishing college and going into science, she would have started drinking and she would have died before she was thirty-five. So basically, God had no choice but to ruin your football career in order to keep you from building that horrid panty cannon. It was for the sake of ridding the world of amnesia, and therefore, restoring some more compelling plot lines to God's favorite Soaps (Passions, OLTL).

Happy Torn ACL Day!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Deliver A Baby On The Subway Day!

Today, when your subway comes to an unexplained stop in between stations a pregnant woman on your car will go into labor. She'll shout that someone needs to deliver her baby for her, and everyone on the car will look at you because you'll be wearing surgical scrubs. You aren't a doctor. You're just the keyboardist in a Prince and the Revolution cover band called Darling Nikki. You'll explain that the surgical scrubs actually cost you a lot of money and you might not be able to afford to replace them if you get placenta all over them, but everyone will promise to chip in to buy you new scrubs.

'We'll all just feel better if the guy doing the delivery is at least dressed like a doctor,' one of the passengers will say.

The pregnant woman will howl at a contraction and you'll realize that there's no time to argue. 'Let's go crazy,' you'll say before you get down on the floor and reach in between the woman's legs to pull her soaking wet panties down from underneath her skirt.

Tell the woman to breathe a bunch of times, then tell her to push. Her vagina will get wider and wider and it will even tear a little bit. When the baby's head starts to poke out of the woman's vagina, place your fingers around it and pull very gently. Even though you don't know the woman, it's okay if you accidentally touch her on the vagina a little. Everyone will know by how much you argued about having to help deliver the baby that you're not some pervert who only gets turned on by vaginas that have babies coming out of them. She knew when she got pregnant that one day someone she doesn't know might have watch her vagina get really big and might have to touch it even. She never thought a whole subway car full of people would get to see it, but she knew there was a very small possibility. Or at least an elevator full of people.

Anyway, the baby will eventually come out, followed by all this other terrifying stuff and it will look like a massacre happened. You'll all take a vote on what to do with the umbilical cord and you'll decide not to do anything about it because the only knives that are on the train will belong to some teenage gang members and they won't be able to remember if they washed the blades after their last rumble.

Once the baby is wrapped up in newspapers, you'll remind everyone that they'd better chip in to buy you some new scrubs.

'These were twenty one dollars before tax,' you'll say. At first everyone will balk, hoping the guy with the briefcase will just give you the full twenty-something. But he'll complain about an ex-wife and a daughter in college, so the others will all chip in and give you around eighteen dollars, which isn't bad. The mother will ask you your name so that she can name her son after you. Tell her your name is Joe, even though it's not. You don't want some kid who was born on a subway to be your namesake, do you? Alternatively, you could tell her your name is Adolf which would be funny if she goes for it.

Happy Deliver A Baby On The Subway Day!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Your Son's Satanic Girlfriend Day!

Your son needs some advice. He's got a girlfriend for the first time, and he really wants to have sex with her. Except, she's a Satanist and she doesn't want to go all the way until your son demonstrates that he loves her by slitting the throat of a housecat and drinking the blood in one chug.

'That's it?!' you'll exclaim. 'When I was your age we were lucky if we got it on the third night of the honeymoon! What's the problem?'

Your son will complain that he loves animals, especially cats, and he thinks it's unfair that her religion should dictate the terms of when they have sex. And he doesn't see why he can't just sip the blood casually over the course of a nice conversation.

'You hear that honey!' you'll shout to the boy's mother. She won't answer. 'Just be glad she's not Catholic, kid. Now let's go down to the shelter and get you a cat.'

Your son will tell you that the cat has to have six toes on each paw, but you won't let that discourage you. You'll take him to every pound in the state if you have to. You're not going to let him make the same mistakes you make. He shouldn't have to wait until he gets out of the army to experience the touch of a woman. With this Iraq thing, kids don't always get out of the army anymore.

Happy Your Son's Satanic Girlfriend Day!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Frank's New Corvette Day!

You're really cheesed about Frank's new Corvette.

'Where's that guy get off buying a new Corvette?' you say, peeking through the blinds at Frank while he polishes the paint job before heading off to work. He woke up at 5AM this morning and started polishing. He hasn't stopped since. He kind of whispers stuff to the car while he does it.

'Where do you get off trading in a 1982 Caprice for a 1990 Civic?' your wife asks from behind her corn flakes. You turn away from the window and address her.

'You don't like my car, whyn't you take your corn flakes and eat 'em in Frank's kitchen? Go on!'

Your wife gets up and carries her corn flakes out the front door. You watch her cross the street in her sheer pink nightgown. She stops and says something to Frank. They both look back at your house and laugh for a second. Then your wife goes into Frank's house. Frank resumes polishing his new Corvette.

'Ain't that something?' you say to nobody.

Not a minute later you watch Lucy Cohn from two doors down walk across the street in a long tee shirt and slippers. She carries a plate of waffles. She stops and says something to Frank, and they both look back at her house, where Rodney Cohn is no doubt watching through his blinds. They laugh for a second, then Lucy Cohn wanders into Frank's house to finish her breakfast alongside your wife and whatever other number of wives have given up their husbands and families to have breakfast in the house of a new Corvette owner.

Take off from work today and post flyers around the neighborhood that ask: 'Is Your Wife In Frank's House? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!' Then post your address and a time for all the men in the neighborhood to come over and talk about how to get their wives to leave Frank's house.

Order 200 wings from Firebird's so that there's something for everyone to eat. After the wings, open the floor to suggestions for how to get your wives to come out of Frank's house. Someone will suggest that you all go across the street and destroy Frank's new Corvette with hammers, and no one will suggest anything else so that's what you'll do.

Frank will come running out to try and stop you, so one of you will hit him in the head with a hammer and knock him unconscious (he won't die!). Once the car is destroyed, all the wives in the neighborhood will come pouring out of Frank's house and they'll run into the arms of their husbands and kiss all of you. Back at home, the wives will complain that Frank did not have any premium cable channels, and to show how happy they are to be back in their houses with the cable packages that they have honed down to perfection after years of TV watching, the wives will have sex with their husbands.

Happy Frank's New Corvette Day!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Welcome Home Uncle John Day!

When you were thirteen, your Uncle John killed your Dad by accident. What happened was your Dad found out that your Uncle John and your Mom were having an affair, so your Dad tried to kill his little brother, naturally. It should have worked out that way. Uncle John was never much of a fighter and your Dad was a real hothead, ending most of his Friday nights in the parking lot of a bar trying to pound some poor stranger's face into mush for a perceived slight. By dumb luck though, your Uncle John got in one good shove and sent your Dad backwards down the front steps of your house, snapping his neck against the curb where the steps met the driveway. From the bedroom window you saw your Dad exhale his very last breath.

After four years in prison, your Uncle John is coming to live with you and your Mom, to begin the life he wishes he could have had with her from the getgo. The life that could have been his if he had just told his older brother to back off when they both saw her at the town's Carnival Days mixer. He's finally going to love her out in the open. It's all he dreamed about before and after he went to the Pen. And he's never going to ask you to call him Dad.

'Your Dad died at my hand,' he'll tell you when he gets you alone in the backyard tonight. 'I don't expect you to do nothing but hate me for as long as you live, but you better not expect me to be sorry about what I did because that's never gonna happen.'

You'll do all you can to keep from crying. You're seventeen and the man who murdered your father has plans to share your home and lay down with your Mom. Your Dad was a son of a bitch and his being gone meant no more beatings and no more bank accounts being emptied into a bar's cash register. But he was your Dad.

'He was my Dad,' you'll manage to say.

'He was my brother!' your Uncle John will bark.

You'll get up to leave, but your Uncle John will grab your leg and hold you there. 'You better not think about revenge,' he'll say. 'All that'll do is doom your Mom to live all alone. Cause I'll be sent back to jail and you'll be sent to a coffin.'

He'll let go and you'll take off running. 'Run away and live on your on if you can't take it!' he'll shout after you.

You won't run away because that's too scary. You and your Uncle John will eventually find a way to bond when he teaches you how to fight back against all the kids who are constantly beating you up for having a Mom who'll do it with the uncle who killed your Dad. When you win your first fight, he'll let you know that he's proud of you and that your Dad would have been too.

'No he wouldn't have been,' you'll say.

Your Uncle John will know you're right. He'll say, 'What's a dead man's pride matter to the living?'

You'll go into the bathroom and watch your eye swell up and turn purple. It don't matter a goddamn thing, you'll think.

Happy Welcome Home Uncle John Day!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Girl On Inner Tube Day!

You and your wife are trying to heal your relationship after she caught you cheating last year, so you decided to go kayaking together on the Delaware River. The reconciliation will be going well up until you catch sight of a beautiful girl on an inner tube. She'll look at you and smile, and you'll instantly decide that you have to have her. To impress the girl on the inner tube, you'll send yourself into an under-water spin, but you don't know how to do those and you'll crack your head on a rock, knocking yourself unconscious.

When you wake up in the hospital, your wife will smother you with joy at having you back. You'll be about to apologize to her and confess that your propensity to cheat nearly killed you and that it had to be a sign from God that you have to honor the vow you took when you married. Before you confess, you'll discover the girl in the inner tube is there by your bed as well. Your wife will introduce you to her.

'This is Maya,' she'll say. 'She helped rescue you from the water.'

Looking into Maya's beautiful eyes you'll realize that you were wrong about the sign from God. Your wife introducing you to the girl on the inner tube must be the real sign from God. Apparently God wants to see you and Maya do it so bad he smashed your head on a rock just to get you two to meet. You'll recover very rapidly, impatient to get out of bed and cheat on your wife with Maya. It's probably going to be awesome if God's this excited about it.

Happy Girl On Inner Tube Day!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Pregnant Buddies Day!

You and your best friend have been doing everything together since you were kids. You started wearing bras together, you got boyfriends at the same time, you both lost your virginity on the same night, and you always got the same grades on all the tests. And all these years later, even though you and her live on opposite sides of the country now, you and your best friend in the whole wide world found out you're both pregnant at almost the exact same time.

'Oh my God I can't believe it!' you'll say.

'It's just like when we used to go shopping together and buy the same clothes!' your friend will say. 'I'm so glad we get to do this together too!'

'I know it's so great! Do you know who the father is?' you'll ask.

'Of course!' your friend will say. 'It's my husband! Who's the father of yours?'

Your heart will sink. 'I don't know. I have some ideas, but''

Your friend won't know what to say.

'At least we still get to be pregnant at the same time,' you'll say.

Your friend will say, 'Right! That's still really great!'

When you hang up, you'll begin a several-months-long period of mourning for the relationship you and your friend once had. You'll call each other a few times during the pregnancy, but it will always be awkward. Your friend will want to talk about going to Lamaze class with her husband, and you'll want to talk about waiting for hours to get prenatal care from the city, and the stark difference between your two experiences will be just too much for you to bear. You'll eventually stop calling each other. Not even on the day you deliver your baby. You won't even bother to find out whether she had hers on the same day. You'll just be so upset that she had to be selfish enough to have a baby with someone she knows and ruin your friendship forever.

Happy Pregnant Buddies Day!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Dirty Psychic Day!

Today you're going to visit a dirty psychic and ask him if you'll ever find love. The dirty psychic will rub his crystal ball and an image of you having sex with a man you've never seen before will appear. You'll be getting it from behind in your bed.

'Does this mean I'm going to fall in love?' you'll ask.

The dirty psychic will shrug. 'Doesn't look like love to me,' he'll say. "Looks kind of angry."

To change the subject, you'll ask the dirty psychic whether you're going to do better financially this year. The dirty psychic will rub his crystal ball and an image of you having sex with a completely different man will appear.

'What's this have to do with money?' you'll demand.

The dirty psychic will point to the man's shoes by the bed. 'Those have to be $600 shoes. Stick with this guy. He's a gravy train.' Then he'll let his mouth hang open while he watches the mystery man go down on you.

'What about my health!' you'll shout, trying to get him onto another topic.

The dirty psychic will rub his crystal ball and an image will appear showing you having sex while your arm is in a cast. You'll be bouncing atop the pelvis of the same man as in the previous image.

'Looks like you'll take a spill,' he'll say. 'But apparently moneybags is sticking around, at least.' Then he'll go quiet while the rich man lifts you up agaist a wall and bounces your body on himself. You'll want to tell the dirty psychic to wash the image away, but it will be really hot and you won't be able to take your eyes off of it either. Once the sex is finished, you'll give the dirty psychic thirty dollars, tell him he's a disgusting clairvoyant, then go home and masturbate to the promise of doing it with that rich guy one day soon. You never thought you could so look forward to getting a broken arm.

Happy Dirty Psychic Day!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Face Off Day!

You are a mad scientist and you're very ugly. You've perfected a face transplant procedure, so you're going to kidnap your best frienemy, the one who's really hot and funny that everyone loves, and you're going to steal his face and transplant it onto your skull.

Tonight, you'll go out to a party with your frienemy's face and try to mingle with your friends and acquaintances to get some of the action your frienemy always gets. At first, lots of hotties will come up to you and try to make it with you. But they'll all lose interest when you start to talk. In addition to being a mad scientist, you're really racist and any time you get anyone's attention, you start talking about national identification cards and holocaust myths.

Eventually, your frienemy will arrive with his face nothing more than a soup of raw tissue and teeth. He will announce to the room that you stole his face and that you are a madman who must be stopped. Everyone will know that that's your frienemy because when he accuses you of having stolen his face, he'll be really funny and charming. Everyone at the party will grab you and start to rip the face from your skull.

'Wait,' you'll shout. 'I'm the only one who can perform the transplant surgery!'

They'll ask what it will take to get you to perform the surgery. Tell them you want someone really cute to go out with you for at least three months. Once it's agreed, perform the surgery and get your old face back. Your new girlfriend will hate going out with you at first, but soon she will realize that you're actually kind of cute and some of your racist ideas aren't all that far-fetched when you think about it.

Happy Face Off Day!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Coed Jail Cell Day!

You put in for a spot in one of the new coed jail cells about eight months ago, and your number finally came up. Today you're going to move into your brand new cell, which you'll be sharing with your brand new cellmate, Janice. Janice is in jail for drowning all her kids in a bathtub. You're in jail for chopping up your super.

At first, you'll be disappointed because you and Janice won't really feel any kind of erotic spark. You'll become friends and you'll talk to each other constantly, since you'll be locked in a jail cell together. Eventually you'll be kind of the will-they-won't-they couple of your cell block. Everyone will be like, 'They spend all of their time together in that cell. Are you kidding me?'

It'll finally happen on the day of Janice's parole board hearing. She'll come back in tears, having been denied yet again. She'll talk about how no one likes her because she hasn't fully rehabilitated yet and you'll reassure her that she's great and just because no one can see all the wonderful that you can see, that's their loss. Janice will lean over and kiss you and you'll do it.

It will be awkward for the next eight to fourteen months. Janice will ask whether you regret sleeping with her and you'll say that it's just weird because you're supposed to be cellmates, not lovers. Janice will tell you to go suck off some white supremacists like you're used to and you'll say, 'Those guys meant nothing! It was rape!' She'll cry and she'll say that maybe she should just transfer back to a women's cell.

Her transfer will go through and on the day that she's supposed to leave, you'll finally get up the nerve to tell her that you love her and that you want to be her cellmate forever. She'll drop her stuff and run into your arms and you and she will start to do it. Then the guards will pull you two away from each other and drag Janice to her new cell because those are the orders. You'll be killed the following week when you have an accident on the weight bench that causes you to accidentally get repeatedly pummeled in the head with a 45-pound dumbbell. Janice will try to mourn you but she'll feel it takes away from mourning the kids she drowned, so she'll stop.

Happy Coed Jail Cell Day!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Dead Rise And Walk Again Day!

You live above a funeral home and you've always had a silly fear that one day the dead bodies downstairs are just going to climb out of their coffins and head up the stairwell to your apartment. Starting today, you won't have to feel so silly anymore because a road crew is going to crack open a long-forgotten gas pipe deep under the street and a strange gas compound will leak into the funeral home. When the gas reaches the dead, they'll get up out of their coffins just like they were waking up and going to work. Except instead of heading out to an office, they'll all go straight for the stairwell.

You'll know it's happening when you hear the screaming out on the street. You'll look out the window to find that morning's black-clad funeral party pouring outside and clutching at each other in terror. They'll be peering in through the doors to see if their beloved recently deceased will come trudging out after them to eat all their brains. That's when you'll hear the footsteps on the stairs.

The steps will be loud and slow and it will be clear more than one dead body is on the way up. At least three. The funeral home has three viewing rooms and they're almost always occupied.

In a panic you'll grab a frying pan and a steak knife and hide behind your couch. The footsteps will grow louder and louder until they stop outside your apartment and the dead start pounding on the door.

You'll scream for them to go away, but they'll keep pounding until they burst through the door and start looking around the place. You'll stay hidden behind the couch while the three dead men in funeral suits check out how many rooms you have and what the view is like. When they start looking through your kitchen cabinets, you'll launch yourself out onto the fire escape and tumble down the metal steps to the street.

On the street, friends and family members of the dead men in your apartment will ask you what you saw. You'll tell them that their loved ones are upstairs rooting through your apartment and that they aren't exactly alive. You'll say that it looks like a hellish energy has invigorated their loved ones' bodies and caused them to walk again.

One by one, the bereaved will climb the fire escape to get a peek at the terrifying supernatural display. As they return to the street, they'll report to the others that the dead are sitting on your couch or playing your CDs or just flipping through your magazines with their feet on your coffee table. They'll all come down the stairs crying for having seen their beloved walking once again. They'll report that the dead men are very pale and they only have blood red marbles for eyes, so it's not exactly like the old days. But the haircuts are still the same.

You'll make the suggestion that the police be called to shoot into the heads of the walking dead until their skulls explode. It's what you've read is necessary. But the bereaved won't have it. They'll offer to chip in and set you up in a sweet new apartment, fully furnished with a new wardrobe and everything, if you'll only allow their undead loved ones to continue to kick back in your apartment for the rest of their undead lives. Take them up on it. Make them sign papers promising their side of the bargain before your landlord finds out that you're subletting and nixes the deal.

Happy The Dead Rise And Walk Again Day!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Goldfish Heaven Day!

Your daughter's really curious about what goes on in Goldfish Heaven.

'I've never been there I told ya!' you keep bellowing at her. 'It's for dead goldfish! How the hell would I ever have been there for Christ's sake?' You drink a lot.

Your daughter is curious because you told her that her dead goldfish, Moriarty, went to Goldfish Heaven when you accidentally dropped that lamp in his fishbowl. She just wants to make sure Goldfish Heaven is cool. Send her to her priest.

'The book says that Goldfish Heaven rewards a goldfish with all the glory that God has to offer, assuming of course that the goldfish who passed is worthy of such glories,' Father Martin will say to your daughter.

'Which book?' you daughter will ask. Father Martin will show her the book. It's a novelization of the movie Splash.

'What does a goldfish have to do to be worthy?' your daughter will ask him.

'Pretty much the same as a human. No killing. No stealing or being mean to his parents. No check fraud or forgeries of any kind. That includes not worshiping any Gods but God.'

Your daughter will say, 'Uh oh.'

When you bought your daughter the fish tank, you decorated it with a little castle, some seashells, and a little figurine depicting the sun god, Ra.

'It's what I believe in!' you'll shout at your daughter when she confronts you. 'I didn't know you'd find your way to the catholic church! I just wanted my daughter's goldfish to be raised the way my parents raised me!'

'Well now Moriarty is in Goldfish hell,' your daughter will say.

'What's that like?' you'll ask.

'Father Martin says it's just like human hell. Except only the littlest demons are allowed to do the raping on account of goldfish being so small.'

'What have I done?' you'll lament.

Your daughter will say, 'Buy me a hamster.'

Late tonight, go and buy her a hamster. Allow her to teach it whatever she wishes it to know. You don't want another creature's eternity in your hands.

Happy Goldfish Heaven Day!