Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Break Up With Your Reanimated Boyfriend Day!

You tried dating for a little while after your boyfriend died, but most of the guys you met were jerkoffs. So you spent a few weeks descending into the mad sciences of reanimation (you can take a course online) and you perfected the technology to bring your boyfriend back to life.

Now that he's back, you're glad to not have to sleep alone anymore, but after a few nights you started remembering all the things that bugged you about him (the way he picks his toenails in the bathroom with the door open, the way he'd occasionally try to make a story funnier by talking in "black voice") and there are a whole bunch of new things he does that bug you now that he's returned from the dead (when the black pus leaks from his eye sockets he likes lick it off his fingertip, and also his legs are really stiff so you have to wheel him around on a handtruck whenever you want to go out to dinner). You're realizing that you painted him in kind of a rosey light when he was dead, and now you're regretting having reanimated his corpse. It's time to break the news to him.

"I don't think we should see each other anymore," say to him.

"It's all right," he'll say, shocking you with his instant understanding. "I'm grateful that you took the time to bring me back to the living, but you deserve better than a guy who feels spontaneous electric currents pulsing through his limbs, causing him to thrash about with great force."

"Wow," you'll say. "You are just...such a great guy. I was really worried--"

Just then one of those pulses of electricity will cause his right arm to swing out wide, knocking your head off of your neck as easily as if you were a plastic doll. He will mourn you briefly, then he will trudge off to a castle and wait to be hunted for having popped the head off of a pretty young girl.

Happy Break Up With Your Reanimated Boyfriend Day!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Corporate Dennis Day!

Everyone in town hates Corporate Dennis because the only thing Corporate Dennis cares about is the bottom line. As far as Corporate Dennis is concerned, things like the arts and charity and loving one another should be considered hobbies that you try and squeeze in on your free time if you have it. Corporate Dennis isn’t interested in anything that can’t be monetized, which is why you’re so ashamed to have gone back to his place with him last weekend, and why you’re doubly ashamed to have allowed him to come over to your place when he called you late last night.

Right now Corporate Dennis is sitting in the chair by your bedroom window staring at you, still under your blankets. What are we doing he’s asking you. There’s nothing about you and me that benefits either of us financially.

Shrug your naked shoulders and tell Corporate Dennis you don’t want it to continue between you two, but you also don’t want him to do anything else but crawl back under the covers and make you feel the way he made you feel last night.

I feel it too is what Corporate Dennis is telling you right now. I don’t see the point in anything but putting my lips on your skin. I don’t want to go anywhere except inside of you.

I hate you, tell Corporate Dennis. I blame you for everything that’s wrong with this country. I get excited when I hear about bad things happening to you.

And yet Corporate Dennis is asking you.

And yet I want you to chew me up and leave nothing left Corporate Dennis.

Corporate Dennis is back in your bed now, and he’s asking are we a metaphor for capitalism and its nefarious effect on even the purest of souls?

No, tell Corporate Dennis. We’re just a girl and a boy in a bed in a room.

Happy Corporate Dennis Day!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Mission To Find Out What Happened Up There Day!

Your father was an astronaut, one of the ones who went up in a rocket but when he came back he was someone else. Same body, same face, different Daddy. You're certain of it.

"He was one of the best," the head of NASA will say to you during your interview today. "Any child of your father will always have a home at NASA."

Tell the head of NASA that the reason you've decided to become an astronaut is to go out there into space and find whatever it is out there that changed your Daddy into the blank xerox copy of the man that got sent back home.

The head of NASA will nod his head. "You aren't the first. In fact, there's a whole shuttle mission being staffed up with nothing but kids of astronauts who want to find the alien sons of bitches who sent their parents home full of static and dead stares. We want you on board."

The head of NASA will hand you a contract that says you want to sign on for The Mission To Find Out What Happened Up There.

You'll give the contract a quick read. "But you're sending us up there to wipe them out. Not to bring back. Not to study."

The head of NASA will say, "Of course." But he'll look away when he does because he doesn't want you to guess that the only reason you're being sent into space is because the beings who changed your Daddy and all the other Daddies aren't up there in the cosmos, they're RIGHT HERE IN THE NASA OFFICE BUILDING BECAUSE NASA IS RUN BY ALIENS! Also, once you're out of the Earth's orbit they're going to pump a gas into your craft that murders you all in a few breaths. You can't fight NASA, kiddo.

Monday, December 20, 2010

You Stink Of Tears Day!

Today your cubicle mate is going to lean in close to you and jokingly wave his hand in front of his nose.

“Pew!” he’ll say. “Smells like tears over here.”

“Sorry Larry,” you’ll say to him. You’ll start crying again.

Larry will put his hand on your shoulder. Then your upper back. He’ll rub his palm on your upper back, like your mother used to.

“Is it because you confessed your love to me on Friday, and I said that it could never work out between us, but then I kissed you anyway and we went to your place and had sex all night Friday and all day Saturday, then on Sunday I said that I still don’t think it will work out between us, but I hope we can still share a cubicle. Then on Sunday night I called you and said to come over to my place, which took you ninety minutes and two trains. Then after we had sex I told you it still won’t work out between us and I’d like you to go, and so you had to go back out into the cold in the middle of the night and wait an hour for the first of your two trains to arrive, only so that you could go home and call me over and over again, leaving me voicemails that I deleted without listening.”

“You didn’t listen to my voicemails?” you’ll ask.

“Pssh, hell no,” Larry will say.

You’ll decide right then and there that Larry’s not worth your tears. You’ll stop crying, get up from your desk, march into your boss’s office and quit. The job market being what it is you won’t work again until 2013.

Happy You Stink Of Tears Day!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Meet Her By The Fandango Ticketing Machines Day!

She said she has a husband and a daughter and she can’t just give them up for some torrid affair with a man she met on the train. She said she has to get you out of her life, that she has to cut it off, once and for all, because you’re all she can think about and it’s time for her to think about her family again. She said it has to be goodbye, that she can’t go on with the lunchtime hotel rooms and the lies about working late. She said it’s over.

“If that’s really your decision, I’ll respect it,” you said. ”But if you change your mind, tomorrow evening you can find me at the Sony Loews Cinerama Dome Stadium 28 where I’ll be seeing Faster starring Dwayne Johnson. If when you wake up in the morning you still want it to be over, I’ll never contact you again. But if tomorrow you find you’ve changed your mind, meet me at the Sony Loews Cinerama Dome by the Fandango ticketing machines in the lobby at 7:10 PM. The movie starts at 7:40 and I like to get there a half-hour early to get good seats.”

She said she means it, it’s over, and you’re going to be seeing that movie by yourself tomorrow.

“I wouldn’t be able to make it through the night if I believed that,” you told her. ”I already bought two tickets. When I get to the theater tomorrow, I’m going to buy two Dasanis, two Dove Brand Cream Pops, and two trays of Nacho Cheese Hot Pretzel Bites. Meet me there. Meet me by the Fandango ticketing machines.”

She told you to stop it. Stop tempting her. You grabbed her by her shoulders, the both of you in tears.

“Meet me there!” you shouted. ”Meet me by the Fandango ticketing machines! I love you too much to let you walk away from happiness like this. Tomorrow you are going to go to the Sony Loews Cinerama Dome Stadium 28 and you are going to meet me by the Fandango ticketing machines no later than 7:10 PM and you and I are going to see Faster starring Dwayne Johnson. Do you hear me you beautiful little girl?”

She shook her head no.

“Meet me there,” you said.

She shook her head no.

“Meet me there,” you said one last time.

It’s 7:18. You can feel the Nacho Cheese Hot Pretzel Bites getting cold. The Dove Brand Cream Pops are turning to mush. You wish that the theater were more crowded, that there might be too many faces gathered around the Fandango ticketing machines for you to be sure. But you’ve studied every face, and none of them are hers.

You drop her Nacho Cheese Hot Pretzel Bites into a garbage bin, along with both of the Dove Brand Cream Pops. You take one last look around the lobby. The area surrounding the Fandango ticketing machines is desolate, as if the other moviegoers knew the area had been reserved for heartbreak. You consider throwing away her ticket as well, but you decide to hang onto it. The last thing to remember her by, a movie ticket she refused to claim.

You make your way to the up escalator. It’s blocked by a suitcase.

Her hand is still on the handle. She’s smiling at you through tears. You take the suitcase from her. You take it because you’re worried if you don’t, she’ll change her mind and run back outside.

“I’m afraid I threw away one of the trays of Nacho Cheese Hot Pretzel Bites,” you say to her.

“Then we’ll just have to share,” she says.

You rise. The escalator carries you. You float higher and higher, fleeing the world below, so that you can begin your life together in Theater 12 for the 7:40 screening of Faster starring Dwayne Johnson.

Happy Meet Her By The Fandango Ticketing Machines Day!

Monday, December 06, 2010

Find A Reason, Any Reason Day!

Maybe it's because you got messed up when you were a kid after your adoptive mom met your biological dad and fell in love with him and then your adoptive dad hooked up with your biological mom but they realized it was just a vengeance boff so it didn't work out. Or perhaps someone locked you in a locker for twelve minutes when you were in middle school. Whatever the reason is, you need to find it today. Might be that you need a reason to finally say "you know what, fuck this" to the Clown College T.A. you've been banging for a grade bump on your mid-term, or maybe you're looking for a reason to finally write that letter to Richard Roeper telling him how much he got wrong in his review of "Faster." No one cares what you need the reason for, we're just rooting for you to find one. It's rare in life that anyone gets to behave in a manner that is 100% justified, but we think you can be the first. Get back in therapy. You need a hand with this.

Happy Find A Reason, Any Reason Day!

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Your Son Joined A Rock Band Day!

They're in the driveway waiting to take him away to the life of rock n roll.

"Let me talk to them," say.

Go outside and approach the coolest one in the band, the one with the longest feathers dangling from his ear ring.

"Do you all do drugs?" you'll ask.

The rock band member will say yes.

"When you do drugs, will you keep an eye on my son to make sure he doesn't do too many?"

The rock band member will shrug and say he guesses.

"I assume there are girls in that van," say to him.

He'll raise his hand for you to high-five him. Do so.

"Any of them dead?"

The rock band member will shrug and say he's no doctor.

"If my son ever has sex with a girl and she dies, will you help him get rid of the body? Help him hide it in the drop ceiling of a hotel room?"

The rock band member will say they have an agreement. You have sex with it and it dies, it's your responsibility.

"So you believe in responsibility," say to him. "That makes me feel more comfortable."

The other band members will stop playing air guitar and air keyboards so that they can set fire to your recycling containers. Watch the blaze rise and know that there's nothing you can do.

"Rock n roll," say.

"Rock n roll," the rock band member will concur.

Turn to your son. "You're 14 now. I can't tell you what to do anymore. This seems like a rock band you can trust. I give you my blessing."

Say goodbye and hug him to your chest. His fishnet top will get caught in the buttons of your shirt. You and your son will laugh. The last time you'll laugh together, because rock n roll is going to change him. Rock n roll changes everybody in the end.

Happy Your Son Joined A Rock Band Day!