Thursday, September 08, 2005

Read Your Roommate's Diary Day

Read Your Roommate's Diary Day!

Last week, when you went into the fridge for one of your diet shakes, you discovered that all of your diet shakes were gone. When your roommate wandered into the kitchen with a circle of chocolate around his lips and six empty diet shake canisters in his hands, you began to suspect him.

"Have you been drinking my diet shakes?" you asked.

He said, "No." Then he dropped all of the empty diet shake canisters into the trash.

"Well, if you have," you said gently, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't. The diet I'm on only allows me to eat those shakes. So when I don't get to eat one, it makes me cry for a really long time. The kind of crying where I have to be laying down because my arms and legs go numb."

Your roommate didn't say anything. He just walked away, back to his room. You immediately began to worry that he would now dislike you because you asked him not to drink your diet shakes. It's been keeping you up at night. You even tried to make amends by buying extra shakes and writing your name on some, and your roommate's name on the others. But he hasn't drank any.

You didn't want to do this, but you're going to have to read his diary. It's the only way to find out whether or not he dislikes you.

You'll flip through and read some entries from a couple of months ago first, just to get an idea of what he thought of you before all of this. Here's an excerpt of what you'll find:

July 4th, 2005
Today is Independence Day. Many years ago, our forefathers declared independence from Great Britain on this date. I will attend a barbecue.

July 5th, 2005
I want to make love to my sister.

July 6th, 2005
Independence Day was lots of fun two days ago. Yesterday I wanted to make love to my sister.

July 7th, 2005
So far I've killed 19 prostitutes.

Crap, nothing about you. So you'll flip ahead to this week and see if he mentions anything about the whole diet shake mess.

September 2, 2005
Made love to my sister. Eh.

September 3, 2005
I just drank six diet shakes. The TV is on.

September 4, 2005
Those diet shakes I drank yesterday weren't mine. It's sunny out today.

September 5, 2005
I've heard someone screaming in the hallway for 26 hours now but when I go to the door, no one is there. I've gone to the door over 100 times. I want to sleep again.

September 6, 2005
Digging the new Kanye.

September 7, 2005
'Nother prostitute last night.

Phew! Nothing about you asking him not to drink your diet shakes. Nothing at all about you, actually. It's like if someone found your roommate's diary in a hundred years, they'd think he lived alone. It's like you don't even exist.

Time to go out there and make something special of yourself. History will not speak of you if you don't tell it what to say.

Happy Read Your Roommate's Diary Day!