Monday, July 31, 2006

Lost Earring Day!

Today you and Kat, the girl you've been dating, will be making out in the back of a taxicab. Your left hand will be planted on the seat for balance, and when it slips down into crook where the back cushion meets the seat, something down there will prick your fingertip. You'll yank your hand out and a junky turquoise earring will be hanging from it.

Kat will look at the earring hanging from your finger and she'll scream and cover her eyes. The cabdriver will slam on his brakes and he'll start screaming, 'What is wrong?! What is wrong with your friend?!'

'Nothing!' you'll shout.

Kat will say, 'I got broken up with in this cab.'

You'll say, 'What?'

The cabdriver will shout, 'I knew you looked familiar! You cried and cried!'

'That's my earring,' she'll say. 'I lost it six months ago, the night Jeremy broke up with me. In this cab.'

'Give her back her earring!' the cabdriver will shout.

You'll pull the earring out of your finger and drop it into her palm. She'll caress it and she'll start to cry.

'Have you talked to him since that night?' the cabdriver will ask.

'He called me last night,' Kat will say.

'What?' you'll ask.

'This is a sign,' Kat will say. 'The night after he said he wants me back I found the earring I lost the night we broke up.'

'It has to be!' the cabdriver will shout. 'My God it has all come full circle. And all these months I was driving my cab, waiting for this night when you would get in it again so that I could deliver you to your fate.'

'You can't deny that this seems like it's meant to be. Right?' Kat will ask.

'It's a big coincidence, there's no doubt about it,' you'll tell her.

'I have to go find him,' she'll say.

The cabdriver will shout, 'Go! Run!'

Kat will kiss you on your cheek and she'll thank you. 'You're the best,' she'll say.

You'll pull the door shut and you'll tell the cabdriver to continue on to your apartment.

'That was a very wonderful thing,' the cabdriver will say. 'She was very sad when Jeremy said goodbye.'

Tell him, 'He cheated on her.'

'We all hurt each other,' the cabdriver will say. 'I am sorry you had to be hurt tonight.'

Say it's all right.

'Try to lose something,' the cabdriver will say. 'Maybe you get back in my cab in six months and find it, things will be all right for you. I tell you my taxi is driven by the hand of God!'

Happy Lost Earring Day!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Unearth An Ancient Potion That Makes You Irresistible To Women Day!

You'll find it when you go digging in the woods behind your house to unearth the remains of your dachshund, Motorhead, who passed two years ago (you recently discovered some things about Motorhead that made you realize his life with you was a lie and you no longer wish to provide for him a peaceful grave within your property line). The grave lost its marker during the winter and in your first hour of digging, you'll break ground in three different places without finding any dog bones. But in your third dig, your shovel will clank against a gold and jewel-encrusted flask. You're familiar with your town's local history and you know that more than one practicing wizard used to operate in the area back in the old days (1945-80). The pawn shops are full of ornate looking canisters and no-longer-magic staffs that neighbors inevitably find when they start to renovate their properties.

You'll open the flask and take a whiff. It will smell bad enough that you'll know not to drink. The smell will make you jerk the flask away from your nose and you'll end up spilling a bit on your shirt. When you get back home, you'll discover that the flask must contain some sort of magical pheromone juice because your wife, who has not been attracted to you since 9-11, will come running at you with her skirt lifted up to her belly after just one whiff. This will make you think that you're the luckiest man on earth because you have the long-dreamed-about potion that makes girls want some. But things will take a turn for the worse when your daughter comes home and she starts ripping off her school uniform and running around the house growling for the man who is wearing the scent. When she bursts into the room, your wife will react like a wild animal fighting off beasts who might try to steal the food she's killed for. Your wife will pull herself off of you and with a growl she'll whip around at your daughter and slash at her face with her fingernails. Your daughter will dodge the fingernails and she'll throw herself at your wife and the two of them will roll around on the floor punching and scratching at each other's eyes. You'll see some blood has already been drawn before you make a run for it out of the bedroom.

Downstairs a female UPS carrier will be pounding on the doorbell and when you open the door she'll rip off her uniform and take you. But soon after that, a female meter reader from the electric company will come in through the open door and slit the UPS carrier's throat so that she can have you. Then two female police officers will burst in and shoot the meter reader in the back eight times while you're still inside her. The cops will pull the meter reader off of you and begin to have sex with your blood-soaked body. Upstairs your daughter will have killed your wife and she'll come running down to find you. But before she sees you with the police officers, she'll spy all the members of a neighborhood book club running through your yard ripping off their blouses. Your daughter will find you and she'll grab a pistol from the tossed-aside holster of one of the cops. After she shoots both cops dead (you'll be stuck under the weight of one of them) she'll set up a position by the door, a bad spot for when the book club, already naked, starts crashing through the windows of the dining room and kitchen. A bloody hellish mayhem will ensue as your daughter and the book club clash over who gets to have sex with you next, and you'll realize that you really should figure out what's in the potion and market it as a kind of men's spray. You could name it 'axe' after the weapon that is used by the triumphant book club member who slays seven naked women (including your beautiful daughter) in just a few moments before she throws you onto the ground and has you all to herself.

Happy Unearth An Ancient Potion That Makes You Irresistible To Women Day!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

You're On TV Day!

Today you're going to make your TV debut on a new series from HBO documentary programming called, American Visions: Homeless People Getting Set On Fire. The show uses hidden cameras to capture people when they sneak up on homeless people while they're sleeping and set them on fire. You appear midway through the show. You're seen creeping up on a homeless mother and her two young sons (six and eight) underneath an overpass. There's a young woman with you (not your wife). You're both in evening attire and you're holding a can of barbecue lighter fluid. The narrator explains that it's three AM and you appear to have just finished a night on the town, but before you and your companion (again, not your wife, everyone can tell) retire for the evening, you decided to visit the dark, unused road underneath an overpass to see if there are any homeless people that you can set on fire.

You and your companion giggle while you spray the lighter fluid on the family of three. When you toss the match and the flames explode all over them, the mother and one of the sons will jump to their feet and start running around screaming. The other son will stay on the ground, not moving, which will indicate that the boy already died in the night but his mother doesn't even know it yet because she's on fire.

You'll be laughing hysterically while they run around trying to put out the flames. It will look really bad for you, as you have several office spaces to show tomorrow (you are a real estate broker for office plazas and other business holdings). Your clients will all recognize you and they'll tell you that you came off really horribly on that show and that they won't be able to bring your proposal to their investors because some of them might be offended by the fact that you set homeless families, some with dead children, on fire. You'll explain that you tried to get them to pull the clip, but the law apparently doesn't protect the privacy of people who commit unspeakable acts of senseless violence, especially against dead children. You'll add, 'But what about the HBO cameramen? Why don't they stop anybody from setting the fires? All they do is watch.' Your client will wish you good luck and you'll lose another sale. It's going to be rough going until HBO stops running your episode and people forget all about your appearance. Until then, be thankful you've got that nest-egg of savings to fall back on. It's important to save money because you never know when you're going to get caught on TV setting a family of three (one already deceased at the age of six) on fire.

Happy You're On TV Day!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Some Binder Clips, A Three-Hole Punch, And One Man's Ring Finger Day!

Today when you start rooting through the desk at the job where you're temping, in the bottom left-hand drawer you'll find some binder clips, a three-hole punch, and one man's ring finger with a wedding band still on it. You'll take out some binder clips because that's what you were looking for in order to bind together the printouts of the Powerpoint presentation that your supervisor will be delivering at three today.

Once the three o-clock meeting starts, the floor will be almost completely deserted and you'll have nothing to do but wait for the phone to ring and occasionally take a peek at the man's ring finger lying at the bottom of your desk drawer. It won't look discolored, except the caked and dried blood at the knuckle will look black. But it definitely will look to have been recently severed.

Your concern will be whether or not to tell someone about what you found. If you were to ask your temp agency, they would recommend that you keep quiet. This firm has some heavy temp traffic and you don't want to be labled as a Nosey Nadeen and risk them not bringing you back for fear of you searching every desk they seat you at for severed appendages. Just stay mum and split at five. It's only a one-day assignment.

Or so you'll think. Tonight you'll get a call that they'd like you to come back for another day. You've been dead broke ever since your ex-boyfriend used your credit card to play out his online gambling downward spiral (he shot himself with a rifle) so you need the assignment. Trouble is, tomorrow, when you finally look into the drawer the finger will be gone. In its place will be a single-panel Dilbert cartoon. In the cartoon, Dilbert will have gotten his hand caught in a giant bear trap after reaching into somebody's bag lunch in the community fridge. The owner of the bag lunch will be saying to Dilbert, "Considering How Long I Spent Making That Tuna Salad, I'd Say You Got Off Easy." But scrawled in red marker across the cartoon will be the message: "KEEP YOUR FILTHY TEMP NOSE OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS OR YOU'RE DEAD!"

Honestly, you've been temping for a while and you should have known better. Just get your timesheet signed and mind your beeswax.

Happy Some Binder Clips, A Three-Hole Punch, And One Man's Ring Finger Day!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Stop Having Sex With Your Frat Brother In The Frat House Kitchen Day!

Your other fraternity brothers don't know that you're gay and you're not sure how well they'll take the news. Best not to break it to them by letting them walk in on you bent over the sink with Stevie, the frat brother you have sex with, half-way up your spine. Even Stevie refuses to admit that he's gay. The minute you slip out of his mouth he always warns you that he'll kill you if you tell anyone about how you and he like to 'horse around.' It's safe to say that if you and Stevie get caught, Stevie will do everything he can to shift the blame onto you. And depending on what position they walk in on, he might be able to pull it off (you know how good straights are at believing stuff).

Just try the attic, or the basement. Hell, even the pantry has a door you can shut behind you. I know Stevie refuses to do it anywhere else, but that's just because he feels like if he switches rooms he's actually seeking out the sex and that would make him gay. So he always 'just happens to bump into you' every night at 3:45 am. This lets him pretend it's just a spontaneous thing and you and he are just 'horsing around.' Except you're the one who's not going to deny digging cock if you get caught, so you're the one in the most danger.

Tonight, when Stevie 'bumps into you' and starts panting and ripping at your boxer shorts, push him up against the fridge and tell him that if he wants some of your ass, he's got to take you downstairs to the dark area of the basement behind the water heater where no one can find out. If that's too much for him to handle, then he can just go upstairs and start knocking on all the other bedroom doors to see if anyone has some cock they want to float his way.

Stevie will take a swing at you. If he manages to connect, just make sure you hit back. It'll make the sex hotter than hell if you hit back. Stevie's that type.

Happy Stop Having Sex With Your Frat Brother In The Frat House Kitchen Day!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Guest Book Day!

You arrived at your lake house yesterday and you're excited for a couple of weeks of peace. You rent the house out for most of the summer, reserving just a couple of weeks to yourself and your family (they're joining you next weekend). The money from the rentals is lucrative, but you are always afraid of coming back and finding the place looted or destroyed. One nightmare you always have is where you come back to find that the most recent renter is a psychopath who is convinced that the house is his house and you are the intruder. This hasn't happened for reals yet.

This morning you'll go through the house inspecting all of the bedrooms and bathrooms for signs of theft or broken fixtures. Everything will look to be in place, except for a barrette sitting on the bathroom sink that a renter must have left behind. The barrette will look familiar, like a barrette that belonged to someone who used to come to that house with you. It will give you chills to see it and you'll take it out on the deck and throw it into the lake.

Once the inspection is complete, you'll pour a cup of coffee and sit down for a look through the guest book. This is your favorite part of the return, when you get to read the notes left behind by all of your renters. Some of them are nothing but a log of complaints (Bad TV reception! Too drafty!). Most are effusive notes of thanks and appreciation for the beautiful house and the idyllic lakefront setting.

When you open the book, you'll see eight new pages have been filled in. The first will be a concise note of thanks and a brief log of their hikes and their lake activities. The second will be completely illegible. The third will be a long love letter to the house, speaking to the house in the second person even ('You kept us warm, you held us tight in the night.') The fourth one will be written on a page that is sopping wet with ice cold water. The words written there will suck the air out of your lungs.

Hello D,

The house is as beautiful as ever.


Sarah was the beautiful young women with lung cancer that you lured into your church and convinced to forego medical treatment and instead put her trust in the lord. She did whatever you asked of her, including being born again, because she fell in love with you. You would have her meet you up here at the lake house to reduce the chance of your wife spotting either of you. One night she came up alone after having seen a doctor behind your back. The doctor told her that since she refused treatment, the cancer had spread and he could only give her a few weeks to live. She called and begged you to come up and pray with her for Jesus' healing love, but your daughter had an oboe recital that night. So Sarah threw herself into the lake.

You came up the next morning and found her note on the bed. You hastily gathered all her personal effects into a small wooden smoke box, and you paddled out into the middle of the lake and dropped the box to the bottom. That's where you recognize the barrette on the sink from. Sarah must have recovered it so that she could fix her hair before her haunting. And if you turn around right now, you'll see Sarah's pastel blue face smiling at you, her seaweed covered arms outstretched for your embrace. There will be a crustacean crawling along her neck bone.

Say, 'Good Lord.'

Sarah will bubble some lake water from her lips and she'll say, 'There's nothing good about him.' Then she'll step across the living room for a hug.

Happy Guest Book Day!

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Bus Driver Just Took Off Day!

It's the risk you take when you decide not to spring for Amtrak or regional rail. If you ride a bus, at some point the bus driver might pull over to the side of the road, climb down to the street and just kind of start running away. A few of them might be folks who are reacting to an epiphany by dropping out and running into the woods to disappear for a while, but for most of the time it's because the bus driver just got a cell phone call warning him that State police are waiting at his destination to make him answer for a warrant.

A half hour ago, your bus driver got a cell phone call, but not to warn him about any warrant. His boss called to tell him that a full-grown man who says he's the bus driver's son is waiting at the station for him. The bus driver knew that the kid either wanted revenge against his dad for running out, or reconciliation, which would require that the bus driver be a Daddy to his boy. Neither option appealed to the bus driver, so he parked the bus on the shoulder and booked.

Now you and the other passengers are on the grassy shoulder, trying to agree on how to proceed. The majority thinks you all should wait until the bus company sends a replacement driver (which they informed you over the radio that they plan to do). You're going to have to impress upon them that waiting is not an option.

'The man I love is about to give up on me,' tell them. 'I did wrong by him and if I don't get home by dinnertime he's gonna pack his car and take off forever.'

The other passengers won't know how exactly to respond, until one of them, a red headed man, finally speaks for the group.

'What'd you do?' the passenger will ask.

'I got scared,' say. Explain that you're supposed to get married in a week, and you kind of freaked out about that particular appointment, so you called up an old boyfriend who wants you back and you got him to invite you over for the weekend. This didn't make your fianc' very happy, and he threatened to pack up and split. You begged him to give you a chance to explain, and he agreed to listen. 'Pry yourself off of his dick and get back here by dinnertime. If you're a minute late, I'm gone and you won't never be able to find me,' he said.

Another of the passengers will speak up. 'So you're really gonna try to hang onto him?'

Nod yes. 'With all of your help. Yes.'

Another will say, 'Seriously? You really think this marriage has a chance in hell of working after this?'

Say, 'It won't have any chance if my fellow passengers don't help me.'

At that, all of the other passengers will throw their hands in the air and release a groan in unison.

'You're gonna try to blame this on us?' the red-head will say. 'Please, baby. That ship has sailed. Accept this as a sign.'

Try to hold back your tears. 'I have to try,' say.

'Can't you just call him and tell him the bus driver made a run for it?' another passenger will ask.

'Would you believe me if I gave you that excuse after all I've done? I mean that only happens on one out of every hundred bus rides, but it just happened to happen on mine?'

The passengers will turn their backs on you and you'll feel that you're pretty much sunk. Then the passenger who has been quietly sitting on his Igloo cooler will speak up.

'Actually, I didn't want to be a nuisance, but I'm in a bit of a hurry as well.'

'Oh yeah?' the red-head will say. 'What's your big rush?'

The passenger will slap the side of his cooler and say, 'Kidney delivery. Kid's not gonna make it through the night unless this baby gets transplanted before dawn.'

The other passengers will all shout, 'Eww!' Then they'll all pile onto the bus and speed down the highway to get that kidney to its destination.'

At the bus station, you'll stop the man with the cooler to thank him. 'I know you had your own responsibilities, but I'm just really glad you spoke up. Now I still have the chance to hang onto the one I love.'

The man with the cooler will say, 'Everyone deserves a chance at love, little lady.' Then he'll open the cooler and pull out a bottle of Michelob. 'You care for one?' he'll ask.

'You mean'You're not'?'

He'll crack open the bottle and take a big swig. 'Everyone deserves a chance at love, little lady,' he'll say. 'Good luck, and don't screw up no more.'

You'll watch the man with the cooler walk across the bus station to where a smiling woman and a little girl will greet him with open arms. You'll wish you could thank him again, but you have a fianc' to catch.

Happy The Bus Driver Just Took Off Day!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Cover Your Mouth At The Wishing Well Day!

Today you're going to be arrested for the murder you did two months ago, the one with the woman you saw at the Superfresh who you decided was mocking you by the way she bagged groceries and by the way she continued to live. You might have gotten away with it had you had more faith in your planning and in the care you took to dispose of the body and the murder weapon. But you were so nervous about getting caught, you felt the need to go to a local wishing well and toss a penny into it and make a wish to stay free. Fool!

Hasn't anyone ever told you that deaf people gather at wishing wells so that they can pass the day reading peoples' lips while they make their wishes? While it invalidates the wish to let anyone hear it, most people like to mouth the words of their wishes, maybe with a faint whisper so that no one else can hear. They want to make their wishes carefully, choosing the right words so as not to allow for any loopholes (like when you say, 'I want to be rich' and you are suddenly turned into a guy who made a whole lot of money creating a website called where pederasts can go to meet little kids who are looking for some nice pederasts to date).

The deaf just eat that shit up, getting a secret view into the hopes and dreams of total strangers all day long. Except usually it's a whole lot of 'please let me get this promotion' and 'please let my wife come back to me.' Very rarely is it 'please let no one find out that I killed that woman from the Superfresh, the one everyone is looking for whose disappearance is all over the papers. Please let no one find her at my house, and just so you remember which house not to send the police to, Wishing Well, I live at 9595 Grandview Boulevard. Please make sure not to send the police to the coal storage room at the back of my basement, Wishing Well. Thanks for listening, Wishing Well. Your water is pretty.'

Like four deaf guys ran from their benches to grab a policeman. A little more confidence in your work next time, Killer. Maybe take up a severe psychosis so you can blabber away to a stray dog or the little gremlin in your head instead of a giant bird toilet full of pennies.

Happy Cover Your Mouth At The Wishing Well Day!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

You're Evicted Day!

When you come home from work today, you'll find an eviction notice taped to your front door. When you call your landlord to ask if it's because you have X-ray vision, he'll tell you that as a matter of fact, several of your neighbors have complained about it. Make a stink.


Your landlord will suggest that since having X-ray vision doesn't make you smell differently and it doesn't make you make any noises or anything, perhaps you could have refrained from telling everyone you met that you have it.


Your landlord will say that when people find out that a man is a pianist or a cook, they don't automatically want to run from his line of vision because they know he can see through their clothes.

'They think you're watching them through their walls and doors,' your landlord will say.

Reply, loudly, 'OF COURSE I AM!'

Your landlord will say that people like their privacy, then he'll ask what color the walls are in 2B.

'PERIWINKLE!' exclaim.

'I told that bastard not to paint,' your landlord will say. 'Sorry freak. You gotta get out by the end of the month.'

'YOUR DICK IS UGLY,' exclaim.

Happy You're Evicted Day!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Stop Falling In Love With The International Spies Who Sleep With You In Order To Steal State Secrets Day!

Before you pick up the phone and order those flowers, remember how embarrassed you were the last time this happened, when Natasha sent you the chocolates back with a note that read, 'I'm sorry if I led you on, but I only wanted the launch codes. Thanks for the launch codes.' You didn't leave your bed for a month you were so heartbroken.

Now why do you think it will be any different with Annabelle? She lured you into bed, and then after the sex when you said that you think you might really be falling for her, she told you that she thinks she could fall for you too. Then she asked you to tell her what the proposed targets would be in the upcoming bombing raid on Iran. You told her immediately, and then in the same breath you asked her what she was like when she was a little girl. She stuck a syringe into your neck and sedated you for fourteen hours. When you woke up, she was gone.

That's when the phone calls started. 'Hello, I'm calling for one of your spies, Annabelle. Oh well can you tell her I called?' And then came the endless letters. 'I know you were only doing your job, but I feel like we had a connection that broke through all the espionage and the truth serum, don't you think?' And now you're starting in with the flowers already?

A relationship can't work if there isn't a mutual respect at play. How can she respect you if she's already tricked you into compromising your country's national security? The best way to deal with an international spy you've got the hots for is to play it cool. You have to make her think that you don't care if she never tries to pull state secrets out of you by sleeping with you again. Best thing for you is to behave as if she doesn't exist. If she sees you out with some other international spy, like someone hired by Chavez or something, and she sees you pouring all your confidential information out to her, she'll come running faster than a surface to air missile aimed at a motorcade.

Happy Stop Falling In Love With The International Spies Who Sleep With You In Order To Steal State Secrets Day!

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Chip You Implanted Into Your Killer Monkey's Brain Is Going To Go On The Fritz Day!

As you've heard from countless billionaire megalomaniacs, a killer monkey is worthless unless he's been implanted with a Jordanna Inc B.E.H. 3030 behavioral modification cranial chip, or the generic equivalent. You bought your team of Killer Monkeys eleven months ago but your schedule has been so crazy that you were only able to arrange the chip to be implanted into the brain of just one (his name is Wrinkles). Since then, you've been impressed to no end by what an efficient and adorable killer Wrinkles has proven to be. He's been invaluable in those special situations when you've had to eliminate an enemy and only a monkey could possibly get close enough to do the job (he's killed one lion tamer and three bellhop uniform salesmen). And unlike your team of killer monkeys without any chips in their brains, the one that has a chip in his brain is far more predictable. In short, the difference between a killer monkey with a chip in his brain and your basic, run-of-the-mill killer monkey is the difference between a monkey who kills the people that you want to die when you want them to die, and a monkey that just kills the shit out of everything it sees. You've never been so satisfied with a purchase.

Until today. Today the chip in Wrinkles' brain is going to go on the fritz, making him both hyper-intelligent and hyper-aggressive. He will immediately shave himself and go forth into the streets masquerading as a man (albeit with the physical strength of a monkey, which is a lot of physical strength). His chip malfunction will give him the ability to be really cheesed at the fact that his every move and thought has been controlled by you all these weeks. Wrinkles will want revenge, and he'll plan on getting it not by tearing your arms, legs and genitals from your body. Instead, he's going to take over your criminal empire, and once he does, he's going to tear your legs arms and genitals from your body. Then of course, he'll buy out Jordanna Inc and install the malfunctioning B.E.H. 3030 chip into every monkey he can get into his fold. Soon, the hyper-intelligent monkey army will wage war against the world, but you will already have had your arms, legs and genitals torn from your body, so what'll you care?

Happy The Chip You Implanted Into Your Killer Monkey's Brain Is Going To Go On The Fritz Day!

Friday, July 14, 2006

Tiara's Got A Black Eye Day!

Tiara got a black eye last night because she started dancing with a rough girl's boyfriend. Tiara let him take her out back into the alley with the promise of some kisses and some squeeze. Tiara wanted a boyfriend so bad, she ignored all of the warnings she'd heard over the years about how some rough girls who like to fight will use their pretty boyfriends to set up lonely girls. The boyfriends respond to the lonely girls' signals and take them someplace for kisses and squeeze. The rough girl then interrupts the act with several of her rough girl friends in tow and the gang of them beat on the lonely girl and take all of her money. This makes the lonely girl feel even more lonely. Especially when she has to walk back into the bar or the dance in order to grab her coat or her friends and she invariably sees the rough girl on the lap of her pretty boyfriend with all of their rough girl friends surrounding them, the tabletop blanketed by drinks that were bought with the lonely girl's money.

Tiara saw them there, all of them laughing while the rough girl and her pretty boyfriend shared kisses and squeeze. Tiara risked another beating when she stopped and tried to catch the pretty boyfriend's eye. She didn't care whether she got hit again; she was already ugly. But the things the pretty boyfriend said and the way he looked at her out in the alley, it couldn't have all been an act now could it? In the middle of making out with his rough girl, he looked up with one eye at Tiara and she couldn't tell what she saw in that look. Maybe it was pity or maybe it was just a warning, but some of the rough girls spotted her and Tiara made a run for it before they started in on her other eye.

'I just wanted someone so pretty to want me!' Tiara will cry into your arms today.

Try telling her there's someone out there for her and she's just got to wait for him to walk up and say hi.

'You can't fall into these traps,' tell her. 'The rough girls run this city. It's too dangerous.'

Tiara's phone will ring. She'll answer.

'It's him!' Tiara will tell you. 'The pretty boyfriend from the other night!'

Try to keep from jumping up and down.

Tiara will listen and say yes a lot and an occasional 'I liked it when you squeezed that too.' Then she'll ask you for some advice.

'He wants to see me!' she'll say. 'What should I do?'

Tell her to say that she really likes him and she'd like to see him too, but it has to be in a public place, somewhere where there's a lot of people, like a corporate plaza at lunchtime. 'Tell him if you see one rough girl he'll be sorry he was ever born,' say.

'Whenever's convenient for you,' Tiara will say. Then she'll hang up and throw herself into your arms, crying tears of joy.

'He wants to pick me up in his car and park under a bridge!' she'll scream. Then she'll start dancing.

'I'm so happy for you Tiara,' tell her. And you really will be. This just proves that no matter how powerful the rough girls get, they still can't scare away love. Still, give Tiara a butterfly knife to keep in the back of her underpants.

Happy Tiara's Got A Black Eye Day!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Bizarre Love Triangle Day!

Martin and Bartholomew finally found out that you were dating both of them at the same time, so they went off alone to determine who would be the one to keep you by his side. You've been waiting at home for hours, wondering which boy would win your hand. You're about to hear a knock on your door, and when you open it you'll see Martin there with a bouquet of roses in his hand.

'Martin!' you'll shout. 'You defeated Bartholomew and won my hand. Oh what sort of gruesome duel did you two gentleman choose to serve as your battleground?'

Martin will say, 'We decided to settle it with a game of Frisbee golf.'

'Frisbee golf?' you'll ask.

Martin will then explain to you the object of Frisbee golf, which basically amounts to throwing a Frisbee at a bunch of trees.

'But that game's real boring, so we gave up before we finished.'

'You left the game unfinished? Then how did you decide who would be the sole recipient of my affections?'

'Uno,' Martin will say. 'But Uno sucks unless there's at least three or four people. So we had to play with my Mom and Bartholomew's other girlfriend Leslie.'

'And you defeated them all!' you'll shout.

'Naaah,' Martin will grumble. 'Couldn't win a hand. Neither could Bartholomew. My Mom took two hands and my Mom's boyfriend Steve sat in on a hand and he took that one. Got sick of it after that.'

'Oh but I'm on pins and needles,' you'll say. 'What sort of challenge did you engage in next?'

'Jenga. Then Clue. Then we put on some porn and we both masturbated at a steady pace to see who could go the longest without coming. We tied that one. Then'did you ever do Sudoku?'

'No!' you'll exclaim. 'But I've heard so many wonderful things about it! Is that how you won my love?'

Martin will say, 'Naaah. I just did a bunch of them while I was waiting for Bartholomew to come up with some more ideas. I got so wrapped up in those number puzzles, I didn't even notice him leave. He left you this note. I'm gonna watch 'Deal Or No Deal.''

Martin will hand you the note from Bartholomew and then he'll go into the living room to watch 'Deal Or No Deal.' The note will read as follows:

My Dearest,

I loved you. But I'm just so tired of playing games.


As you fold up the letter, you'll feel a little heartbroken that Bartholomew would let you go this way. Then you'll hear Martin gasp at the TV. A contestant on 'Deal Or No Deal' will have just decided to make a telephone call to an accountant. You'll cuddle up on the couch next to Martin, and you'll be glad he's the one you ended up with. If Bartholomew had won, you might never have been able to find out what plan of action the accountant will recommend. In short, you would be lost.

Happy Bizarre Love Triangle Day!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dandruff Day!

As the old saying goes, 'You don't cut off your head to get rid of dandruff.' What this means is dandruff is a reflection of fallen morals and lack of education, and cutting off your head might drench your shoulders in all that gushing red blood and wash away those hideous gales of white flakes, but your friends and family will still remember you as a perverted fool who always got swindled by amputee hookers (your 'thing') because you weren't bright enough to handle cash transactions.

If you want to get rid of dandruff, you're going to have to do it the old fashioned way. Studying! Also, you'll have to give up the prostitutes and stop videotaping up women's skirts in public parks. At first, you won't see any dissipation in the flakes, and you'll want to throw your books into a public toilet and then pull them back out and have sex with the mound of wet pages. Don't! It's working! It just takes time.

Dandruff doesn't go away until it becomes clear that you really are on the road becoming a smarter, less disgusting person. Dandruff has seen too many people like you try and fail to turn their backs on vice and ignorance. Show dandruff that you mean business. Get that GED, cancel your weekly appointment at the 'cheaper pleasure dungeon' off of Route 5, and before you know it wearing black shirts out in public will feel as natural as the fact that sometimes you just have to swallow Astroglide.

Happy Dandruff Day!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

You're Going To Fall In Love With The First Girl You Talk To Today Day!

It's going to happen on your commute into work. If you ride the train or bus, she'll spill some coffee on your knee, not so much that you'll get angry the way that you can sometimes when you've already been dating someone for a while, but enough that you'll have to speak to her and address the situation.

If you drive to work alone every day, you'll meet her after your car breaks down and you're forced to hitchhike a ride. She'll pick you up in her car, and you'll talk to each other at a rapid pace so that you can make it clear that you're not the kind of man who kills girls and she can make it clear that she's the kind of girl who doesn't want to die. Then she'll spill coffee on your knee and you'll be forced to address it.

'I'm so sorry!' she'll say.

'I hated these pants anyway. What do you do for a living?' you'll ask.

'I own and operate a company that designs and manufactures highly sensitive landmines. My customers are mostly warlords and insurgents in countries thrown into chaos,' she'll say.

You'll ask, 'Aren't there a lot of groups campaigning to put a stop to the use of landmines because they kill so many civilians and aid workers?'

"Bunch of crybabies," she'll say.

Then you'll look into her eyes and you'll just know.

Happy You're Going To Fall In Love With The First Girl You Talk To Today Day!

Monday, July 10, 2006

The Cancer Kid Can Help You With Your Girl Problems Day!

You're a hot-shot Chief of Surgery at a big city hospital. You're also very handsome and you make a habit of having brief yet firey flings with doctors and nurses on your surgical staff. None of them ever left a deep mark on you. Not until you met Doctor Maria Bedoya.

'Just let me explain,' you'll say to Dr Maria Bedoya from across the Cancer Kid's bed. This will have been the first time you've ever seen the Cancer Kid. He's Maria's patient. But you'll know he has cancer because he'll give off that tragically sunny vibe that only big-hearted kids with cancer give off. The one that says, 'I may only have five days left and I can't get out of bed, but do you wanna hear a knock-knock joke?'

Maria will be checking the Cancer Kid's pulse. 'I'm sure it can wait until later,' she'll say absently.

'But it can't,' you'll tell her. 'I need to get this out now. I'm going to go crazy if you don't listen to me.'

'I'm on my rounds,' she'll say. And after making a note on the Cancer Kid's chart, she'll walk out of the room without even looking at you.

'Goddammit Maria you come back here!' you'll shout.

The Cancer Kid will say, 'That's not how you're gonna get her back.'

Say, 'What do you know about it? You have cancer.'

'That's right,' he'll say. 'But I have a better chance of beating my cancer than you have of winning her back if you're gonna behave the way you are. And trust me pal, I have no chance of beating this cancer.'

The Cancer Kid will laugh really hard at his own joke. Most people usually start to cry when they hear him laugh so good-naturedly, but you've been a doctor a long time so you'll just wait for him to get to the point.

'Okay baldy,' tell him. 'What's the secret?'

'First,' he'll start, but he'll begin to cough a lot and then he'll throw up into a basin before he can speak again. This will take twelve minutes.

'Yes?!' you'll say impatiently.

'First,' the Cancer Kid will say, 'You have to show her that she means more to you than all the others. I've seen a lot of doctors in my years of battle against the Big C and when I see one who reels in a lot of action, I can tell. So can she, I'm sure. She probably expects to be tossed aside as soon as the next crop of interns shows up.'

'So how do I let her know that I used to only think about myself, but lately I can't think about anyone but her?'

'You could start by telling her just that,' the Cancer Kid will say.

'Hey, you're really on to something,' you'll say. 'You got any other tips?'

The Cancer Kid will open up his sketch-book and rip a page out for you. 'Give her this,' he'll say.

On the sheet of drawing paper will be a pastel sketch of himself in his hospital gown, still with no hair on his head, but he'll be flying over the city with a pretty girl flying next to him. On the bottom he'll have written the caption, 'My Dream.'

'Tell her you asked me to draw it for you so you could give it to her,' he'll say. 'She'll break down crying when she sees it. You should pretend to cry too and the two of you can bond over what a sweet little soldier I am. No way you'll lose that action tonight.'

'You're really good at this,' tell him.

'You have to learn to be manipulative when you're interviewing to get into experimental medication trials,' he'll explain. 'Now go get that ass, Doc.'

Say, 'I won't let you down.'

The Cancer Kid will say, 'I know you won't. Not like God did.'

Happy The Cancer Kid Can Help You With Your Girl Problems Day!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Poets Fucking By The Side Of The Highway Day!

Mile 93 on Interstate 12, just off the right hand shoulder, Emily Lubbock can be seen getting fucked by Lowell Kint. They're both minor American poets, Emily is tenured, Lowell has several books in print. They're standing, Lowell behind Emily, Emily's hands on the trunk of her Nissan, her light blue floral print skirt hoisted up above her waist. Lowell's pants and underwear are down around his knees. He bounces himself against Emily's ass in quick thrusts. They go all day. They don't stop if it rains. If you honk when you drive by, Lowell will wave with one hand.

Happy Poets Fucking By The Side Of The Highway Day!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Build A Spaceship Day!

You've been in love with your best friend ever since you two met in high school, but she's always had boyfriends that were athletic and angry. You wish you could tell her how you feel, but you're afraid that she'll be scared away from you and then not only will she refuse to be your girlfriend, but she'll stop being your best friend too. You're going to have to make her fall for you on her own. You're going to have to build a spaceship.

Girls choose their guys based on who is more likely to be able to protect them should fiery beasts rise up from the earth's core and lay waste to the sunlit land. If you have a spaceship, you'll be more attractive than the rich guys with the private planes because eventually those planes will run out of gas and will have to return to the earth's surface. But if you can get into outer space, you don't need gas to keep floating. You just need oxygen to keep breathing. Tell any girls who ask that you have enough oxygen to survive up there for fifty years. Don't tell them that you only have enough for 20 hours.

Lots of girls will come running when they see your spaceship. They'll put on bikinis and pound on the hatch to be let in. But your best friend will calmly wait at the back of the crowd, admiring your achievement and marveling at all the women who suddenly want your hotness in their hands. You'll be able to tell from the look on her face that she's kind of upset that she might not be number one on your list anymore. Let her see you date other women for three months before you finally tell her that you built the spaceship for you and her to get away from the resurrected gargantu-worms, should they ever rise to the surface. After she kisses you, tell her the spaceship doesn't work because you're not "gadgety." She'll understand because she loves you now.

Happy Build A Spaceship Day!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Orgasm Contest Day!

You're going to lose your orgasm contest today because competition will commence right after you get a call from your catsitter telling you that your cat must have died in the middle of the night because when she showed up he was lying there on the living room floor with some bubbles coming out of his mouth. You hired the catsitter to take care of your cat while you were in San Francisco for the competition. Once you find out that your cat died, you'll feel sort of selfish not having been there for him on his last days just so you could prove to the world that you can have more orgasms in a short period of time than anybody. Since you'll be in mourning, you'll only come five times. Not even enough to get you into the winners' circle. You're gonna go home a failure and everyone's gonna say "I told you so" again, except this time you don't even have a cat to love.

Happy Orgasm Contest Day!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Your Hitler Raft Day!

Everyone at the pool party is going to be jealous of you when you set yourself afloat in your new inflatable two-man hitler raft. It's a six foot long by three and a half foot wide raft that has a black and white picture of Hitler superimposed over a colorful cartoonish painting of some starfish swimming in the ocean. Hitler only covers the right half of the raft, so that you can either lay over top of him completely if you're worried that someone just approached the pool who might not want to see Hitler right now (ie: someone who is sick of seeing Hitler at pools), or you can lay right next to him so that it looks like you're just chilling in the pool with Hitler all day, just a couple of pals who can lay in a raft together without it being gay because one of you is dead. Have fun, kid.

Happy Your Hitler Raft Day!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Golf Caddy Sex Day!

Ask him, "You wanna make a big tip?"

He'll say, "Yes ma'am!"

Explain to him that sixty-four percent of your high school's graduating class lost their virginity on the local golf course since that course's greens would often play host to your classmates' many keg parties held after dark.

"I was never invited to the keg parties," tell the eighteen year old. "Because I had braces."

Tell the kid that you've recently become rich and you're making up for lost time. He'll cut you off and say, "Sure thing, I'll have sex with you on the golf course."

Correct him. "No way, Jose. I want you to get your girlfriend out here and do it in those woods while I watch. I like to watch."

He'll take out his phone and dial his girlfriend. While it's ringing he'll ask, "How much?"

Pretend to think about it, then say, "Seventy bucks each."

Just as his girlfriend picks up, he'll shout, "EACH?!" Then he'll say, "Oh hey Holly. You're never gonna believe this. Get over here right away. We're about to be ROLLING IN IT!!!"

Happy Golf Caddy Sex Day!