Thursday, July 14, 2011

Take Your Daughter To Work Day!

Your dad will spend the morning introducing you around to all the people he works with until he comes to Sharon.

“That whore?” say to her as she’s shaking your hand.

Sharon will ask you to repeat yourself. Your father will tell you to say you’re sorry.

“I’m sorry,” say.

Sharon will ask why you said that.

“Mommy always shouts ‘That whore’ and Daddy always shouts back 'Her name is Sharon and nothing happened,’” tell her.

Sharon will look to your dad. She’ll look really mad. Your Dad will laugh uncomfortably.

“Well?” say.

“Well what?” Sharon and your Dad will say.

“Did anything happen?”

“You’re being rude,” your dad will say.

Sharon will ask if your mom put you up to this. Tell her, “I just think if I found out whether or not anything happened, Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t have to yell the same stuff at each other all the time if I could go into their room and let them know once and for all whether or not anything happened.”

Sharon will say, “Well you can tell your mother that nothing will ever happen again, seeing as I’m sure she’s the one who put you up to this.”

“I’m sorry,” your dad will say.

“No I’m sorry,” Sharon will say. “Man am I ever sorry I got involved with you.”

Say, “Mommy didn’t put me up to this. I’m asking for myself. But Mommy did ask me to read you this letter.”

Pull out the letter and start reading. Sharon will run to the ladies room crying right after you begin with the salutation, “Dear Whore…”

Happy Take Your Daughter To Work Day!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Broadway Adaptation Of The Movie Twister Day!

The Broadway adaptation of the movie Twister is dangerously over-budget because of the cows.

“Maybe we could cut the cows,” one of the investors suggests.

“As far as anyone is concerned, Twister is the movie where the cow gets thrown at the car,” tell them. “Taking the cows out of Twister the Musical is like taking the feet out of Footloose the Musical.”

Another investor says that it’s expensive to fling a cow at the audience every night, and the bungees keep snapping, leading to numerous audience members being crushed to death under the weight of 400 pound cows.

“That’s Broadway,” you say. Then you remind them all that they called you, you didn’t call them.

The investors will be unable to respond to that. They know you have them over a barrel since it’s true that they sought you out and they gave you full creative liberty. Unfortunately they are now responsible for the deaths of 26 tourists and 19 cows. They don’t know how to fire you, so they have no choice but to kill you with one of the cows. Tonight, when you go to your car, the death with be instant save for a few seconds of acknowledgement when you recognize the cow. Tickets to the show will sell out after your death is reported because people will want to see the play that killed its creator in the same manner it killed so many audience members. Then after more audience members die people tickets won’t sell out so much.

Happy The Broadway Adaptation Of The Movie Twister Day!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Babyland Day!

You have an idea for a comedy about if babies could talk. You think if babies could talk they’d speak in hypnotic verse, poems that cut to the essence of what it is to live and experience the color and sound of life. The adults would hear the babies’ message and they’d all go mad, unable to reconcile the lives of obligation and ambition they’ve been living with the undeniable simplicity of the babies’ truth. Most adults will either commit suicide or flop about on the floor, babbling in a manner not too different from the way babies used to. The babies’ will take over and that’s how the first ten minutes of BABYLAND will play out. There’ll be a brief montage of all the adults being rounded up and murdered, then about 75 minutes of babies doing stuff like running congress and seeking funding for much needed infrastructure projects. When the babies grow up they’re no different than the adults they slaughtered at the beginning of the movie so it ends in a way that makes you think. BABYLAND will be rated R for graphic violence and a scene where animals mate.

Happy Babyland Day!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Modern Rock Concert Day!

You’re a narcotics officer who’s working undercover to bust the lead singer of a modern rock band for drugs because the mayor doesn’t like him bringing his filthy music and godless stage show into his town.

“What if he doesn’t have any drugs?” you asked the mayor.

“You make sure he does,” the mayor told you.

You’re used to planting drugs on suspects when you know that getting the suspect behind bars is better for everyone in the long run, but you’re not sure how comfortable you are planting it on a guy just because the mayor has some ideas about what kind of music kids should be listening to. Lucky for the mayor you stopped worrying about keeping right away from wrong a long time ago.

When the band goes out on stage you sneak into their dressing room with the bag of heroin at the ready. Just as you’re about to stuff it into the lead singer’s guitar case, a girl walks out of the bathroom and sees you.

She doesn’t blink an eye. Just holds out her hand to you and says, “First, come listen.”

She takes you to the wings of the stage and tells you to stand there and listen to the band play. Just for the next song. When it’s finished, if you still think it’s right to frame the lead singer for a crime he didn’t commit, that’s up to you and the girl won’t stop you.

The song is slow and quiet at first, then picks up the tempo, and before long the lead singer is wailing and the entire crowd is electrified. The song makes you feel even more disappointed in yourself than you normally do, because the song actually fills you with hope that there’s still a chance for you to turn things around.

“I didn’t know who I was,” you tell the girl. She is holding your hand like you’ve known each other for years. “I could still be so much better.”

The girl leads you into the crowd and introduces you to her friends. They all look like her; everyone half your age looks like her. The girl says goodbye to her friends, says that you and she are going to make a go of it. You leave town with the girl that night, selling the heroin where you can and living off the proceeds. You have two little girls together and it isn’t long before the heroin runs out and it’s time for you to go back to work.

“No way am I going back to being a cop,” you say.

The girl tells you to go for a drive and listen to that song again, the one that told you what to do the night you two met. You do as she says and this time the song hits you ever harder, it admonishes you for not doing anything more with your life than selling drugs to people in peril. This time the song sounds urgent, like time is running out. With the song blasting out the car windows, you put the pedal to the metal and blaze out of town without so much as a goodbye to the girl and your daughters. It might be cold but it’s what the song wants. Rock and roll doesn’t always intervene in the lives of man, and when it does, man had better be ready to pay heed or else pay dearly.

Happy Modern Rock Concert Day!