Friday, July 17, 2015

You And The Summer Camp Slasher Are In Love Day!

You thought you were protecting her. She’s the last pretty girl who’s still alive of all the Counsellors In Training. Normally that would mean a long drawn out chase before she either narrowly escapes or she ends up killing the murderer. But you just noticed it’s been over a half hour of running through the woods, and there’s no killer chasing her.

“I can’t exactly chase myself,” she says.

“It was you all along,” you tell her. “You killed Brandon and Diane and Maureen and Nandanee and Karen and Mitch and–”

“Is this a roll call? Look this is who I am. I kill hot teens in the woods. I’m not the perfect girl but I’m happy with who I am and I’m not going to have some guy try and change me into what he thinks a girl should be…even if I’m in love with him.”

You blush. You can’t help it. Love. The word that’s been ricocheting around your head ever since you first saw her teaching campers how to tell deer scat from wolf scat. You can’t believe that very same word just crossed her lips.

“I…Guess I love you too.”

You both smile. Then you burst out laughing.

“This is crazy though! I mean, you’re a slasher!”

“And you’re super-hot,” she giggles. “But instead of driving a scythe through your face, all I wanna do is kiss it.”

She takes a step forward.

“Can I?” she asks. “Kiss you?”

You place your hand on her bare shoulder, her skin warm under your palm. You guide her closer to you and she places a kiss on your neck, then your cheek, then your mouth. Then you both lay down on the path in an embrace.

You pull away.

“But if we have sex…”

“Will I have to kill myself?” she says. “We’ll see. I’ll either commit suicide or be a hypocrite, two fates that are worth the risk if it means making love to you right now.”

She kisses you again in a way that lets you know this is no time to discuss hypotheticals. The way she takes you, it’s gentle, but you can sense the violence inside of her.

She stops when you hear a moaning from the woods. Brandon must still be alive.

“Don’t,” you plead. “Stay here with me.”

She smiles, she complies.

After, you fall asleep feeling blissfully ravaged. You wake up when you hear footsteps. She’s just returned from someplace. She curls up behind you on the path, and you notice that you don’t hear Brandon moaning anymore.

Happy You And The Summer Camp Slasher Are In Love Day!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Mom’s Back Day!

“Been 13 years mom,” you tell her.

She looks at you and your brothers.

“And you’re all still as ugly as your father,” she says.

Mom’s gone again.

Happy Mom’s Back Day!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Tell Your Boyfriend What Happened During The Thunderstorm Day!

“I got married,” tell him.

He’ll ask to who.

“Steve something,” say.

You ducked into a bar you’d never been to before to escape the rain. It was already dimly lit and the lights were blinking with the lightning. Steve something was the only other person in the bar.

“It was too romantic to let the opportunity pass,” explain. “The bartender officiated.”

Your uber is outside. Your boyfriend helps you downstairs. You take off your straw hat (you’re honeymooning in Turks and Caicos) and look up at him.

“Is he good to you?” your boyfriend asks.


“Steve something,” he says.

“No idea,” you tell him. “He watched my gimlet while I went to the bathroom.”

“Goddammit!” your boyfriend shouts. “One time I let a vagrant sneak a sip of your drink and you’re gonna hold that over me forever?”

Open the car door.

“Goodbye Dan,” tell him.

“It’s Dave,” your boyfriend will say.

“Dave,” say. “That suits you.”

“It’s been a nice eleven years,” the Dave guy says as your Uber pulls away, taking you to the airport where you’ll fly to the honeymoon suite of Mr. and Mrs. Something.

Happy Tell Your Boyfriend What Happened During The Thunderstorm Day!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Give Up On Dad Day!

Dad’s not coming.

“He is,” you tell your bride as she waits for you to recite the vows you wrote.

He’s not. And the caterer never got the check Dad said he’d give them. Mom’s new husband Rick will have to pay for that.

“I hate Rick,” you tell your brother and Best Man. “I’d rather everyone go hungry than have mom’s Rick pay a dime for my wedding. Just wait, Dad’ll get here.”

The owner of the wedding venue walks up the aisle and pulls you into a non-consensual embrace from which you can’t escape. Her mouth near enough to your ear to send a whisper straight to your spine, she says,

“Kid. We get married when we realize the limits of the family we were born into, and we decide to try and do better by making a family of our own. You reached the limit of how much a man can shuffle his feet. That girl there in the white, you make her wait a second longer and you’ll give her something to wonder about for the rest of your lives together. Give up on your Pa or I’m calling this wedding a no-go right now. I won’t allow a marriage to start like this. Not under my gazebo.”

She releases you and you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife while your father dances with a prostitute in a motel off the highway, the money for the caterer now cocaine.

Happy Give Up On Dad Day!