Saturday, March 31, 2012

You’re The Saddest Rock Star Day!

Your thing is you cry through all your songs. You started crying during your very first song and it sold millions so you’ve had to cry on every song ever since, and throughout every interview, and in every paparazzi photo. Basically, if you’re ever happy your career will be shot.

“Hi,” a woman will say to you. Her smile will make you feel like there’s hope.

Run in the other direction to the nearest yes-kill animal shelter so you can watch unclaimed pets being put down. Your fans are counting on you.

Happy You’re The Saddest Rock Star Day!

Friday, March 30, 2012

Ghosts On Craigslist Day!

Lots of the posts on Craigslist are posted by ghosts who lure people with the promise of cheap bicycles or lurid sex into the place where they’re haunting solely to trap the people there so they can ask them to resolve stuff for them. Today you’re going to fall into this trap. You’ll answer an ad that claims to be from a woman who wants to hurt a man by sitting on his face and since your plans fell through you’ll figure what the hey. When you get to the apartment it will be empty. Then the fridge magnet poetry will start to move apparently of its own will and it will spell out the sentences, “Tell Derrick It Wasn’t Darcy. It Was Rita. Tell Derrick Now.” You can do as the fridge magnets suggest and track down this Derrick guy, but the better plan is just to get the hell out of there. Resolving stuff for ghosts can take forever and it’s often stuff that the ghost should really be cool with letting go unresolved. If you feel bad, don’t. It’s likely that two or three more guys will show up right after you and at least one of them will be a softie and go for it. Sorry you won’t get your face sat on tonight.

Happy Ghosts On Craigslist Day!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Flasher Day!

Today you’re going to flash your ex-wife. You won’t realize it’s her at first. You’ll just see a silhouette you like and you’ll run up and open yourself up to show her the fun.

“Karen?” you’ll say as her mouth hangs open, staring at that which she’s seen so many times before.

You’ll get lunch. She’ll tell you that she’s remarried, to an art history professor, and she’s very happy. They’re planning to adopt.

You’ll tell her how flashing’s been going, about the arrests, the beatings, the cold drafts.

You’ll laugh and you’ll share and when you finally say goodbye you’ll be shocked at how painful it was when she said goodbye the last time, and how joyful it was to meet her all over again. You’ll exchange numbers and say you’ll call and even though neither of you will (she’s got a big trip to Milan planned and you’ve got the Susan G Komen For The Cure Walk to flash), the gesture is enough. At your age, with the history you two have, a gesture can communicate volumes.

Happy Flasher Day!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Cave Tour Day!

You give tours of caves. Today you lost two kids.

Tell the parents, “They ran away.”

The parents will say they don’t believe you. Show them the note you forged. It should read:

“We ran away. Goodbye you guys. Love, The Kids.”

The parents will be convinced and they’ll send out a search party to find the kids. One group will head off to Hollywood to intercept them there in case they got on a bus hoping to become stars. Another group will head down to Florida since fucked up kids always seem to end up there somehow. A third group will set traps. Food in boxes rigged to close when they start eating the food, that kind of thing.

You’ll go back into the cave to track down the kids you lost and you’ll hit your head on a stalactite and die there. The two kids will come out the rear entrance of the cave around 90 minutes after the search party started. In the excitement of getting lost they’ll have fallen in love with each other and secretly eloped, even though they’re only 12. They’ll wonder why there are so many choppers hovering.

Happy Cave Tour Day!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Time To Track Down Your Biological Parents Day!

Your adoptive parents are worried but they’ll have to deal.

“I need to do this,” tell them.

The time has come. It’s been long enough. It’s time to track down your biological parents, introduce yourself to them, and kill them.

“You’re the reason I exist,” tell them. “For that you deserve to die.”

“But we thought you just wanted to know more about where you came from,” they’ll say.

Tell them, “I know enough. Someone has to pay for me being brought into being. All the people I hurt. Everyone I’ve made to regret ever having crossed paths with me. Someone needs to be held responsible for all that I’ve done.”

“Why not you?” they’ll ask.

Say, “That’s like fighting the war on drugs by taking out the street level dealers. I’m going after the supplier.”

When you’re done murdering them, go home to your adoptive parents and reassure them that you’re happy with the life they gave you. They’re going to feel a little vulnerable for a while, so just do what you can to reassure them.

Happy Time To Track Down Your Biological Parents Day!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Hot Air Balloon Full Of Money Day!

You were having a romantic picnic in the park when you you started following the hot air balloon as it hovered over the woods. You told Gina to wait for you to come back. She’s used to waiting. She’s been waiting for you to propose for over five years now. You’ve been waiting for some way to earn enough money to not just pay for a wedding but provide for the life you know she deserves.

It caught your attention when you heard it brush against the tree-tops. Something was wrong. It finally landed in the middle of Palmer Field, the wind dragging it across the grass for about 500 feet before it finally held still long enough for you to climb in and find seventy thousand dollars in cash and two dead bodies, the basket of the balloon riddled with bullet holes. Someone shot them from the ground.

Someone’s shooting at you right now. You’re going to have to either ditch the balloon and leave the money, or fly away far enough to get out of range of their gunfire so you can keep that $70K to marry your love once and for all. Grab the fuel tug and fire that baby back up. If you can get high enough you should be able to clear the tree tops before they nope you got shot.

Shame. You could have just eloped too. Gina didn’t want money. She just wanted you.

Happy Hot Air Balloon Full Of Money Day!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Dance Lessons Day!

Today at your first dance class you’re going to be asked why you’re taking lessons. The others will say they’re learning for their wedding, or to meet single men, or to be more confident at parties. When it comes to you, tell the truth.

“I want to dance on my father’s grave,” tell them.

Explain that your father is very ill, and that you’ve been sitting by his hospital bed whispering that you’re going to dance on his grave every week when he dies. And he’s just been laughing, saying that you’d never do such a thing because you’re a terrible dancer. So you said that you’d take lessons. And your father said lessons cost money and you’re too cheap. So you said you’d save up. And your father said you’re terrible at saving and that you only spend your money on ridiculous gadgets and overpriced meals. So you’ve been showing up every week with your bank statement and waving it over your father’s hospital bed so he could see how much you were saving. Then when you finally had enough you showed him your enrollment forms for dance class. Then you showed him your dance shoes and dance belt.

“Now I want to perform for him the dance I am going to do on his grave,” tell the class. “Before he dies, I want him to know what will shake the soil onto his coffin, what joyous number underneath which he will rot.”

The teacher will say, “You sound like you hate your father very much.”

Say, “He made me the man I am today, and I’ll never forgive him.”

The next student will say, “I’m taking this class because people keep shooting at my feet.”

Happy Dance Lessons Day!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

How To Tell Your Brother He Ruined Everything Day!

Your brother is the one who told your mom that your dad was cheating, and so your mom kicked your dad out and he moved in with the woman he was cheating with. So basically your brother destroyed your family. The only way to let him know he ruined everything is by jumping off a bridge with the words “Your Fault Kevin” sharpied on your torso. Do it now! Your dad will probably see it on the news and realize you were the cool son that he should have bothered to father.

Happy How To Tell Your Brother He Ruined Everything Day!

Friday, March 23, 2012

You Used To Date A Picture Frame Photo Model Day!

She broke your heart, but you still have to see her every time you go to the drug store. She’s staring out from dozens of frames. She’s hugging her fake model son; she’s sitting in a field of yellow flowers; she’s standing on a beach staring at the ocean. You know where the beach one was taken. You were dating then. She called you from the shoot and told you she wished you were there with her. So it’s like the drug store is displaying a photo from your life. You missed her so much that the act of buying a picture frame became unbelievably painful, so you learned how to make your own frames and today you’re opening your own frame shop so congrats.

Happy You Used To Date A Picture Frame Photo Model Day!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Ghostess Day!

You’re the new hostess at Applebee’s and you’re really excited to be working again after the baby. Training is about over but the manager has one last thing to tell you.

“This hostess podium is haunted by a ghostess.”

“A ghostess?”

“Ghost of a hostess,” he’ll say. “It’s not that hard to figure out.”

Apparently many years ago, back when this place was a Fuddruckers, a hostess fell in love with one of her married customers. They would make love by the dumpsters and after lots of pressure he finally agreed to break it off with his wife so they could marry.

“He told her he would go and tell his wife, then pick her up at the end of her shift and propose. But he never showed. The wife shot him.”

The hostess wouldn’t believe he was dead. And she refused to quit or move to any other position but hostess. She was determined to remain at her podium until her man came to claim her like he said he would.

“She died while seating a six-top. And ever since her spirit has lingered around this podium, waiting for her man to return, waiting ever after as the Old Spinster Ghostess Of Applebees.”

You’ll chuckle nervously at the story because you don’t believe in that ghost stuff. Then your very first table for two will arrive and you’ll be embarrassed because just then the Ghostess will cause the menus to start bleeding.

Happy Ghostess Day!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Rescue Your Son From The Charity Stud Auction Day!

Your favorite movie is Taken and you wish you could be Liam Neeson’s character from that movie. Unfortunately you’re a middle-aged mom who is a corporate attorney. No CIA experience of any kind. But tonight your adult son is participating in a Charity Stud Auction to raise money for breast cancer research. Women will bid to “purchase” your son for a platonic evening together. It’s all in good fun, but it’s as close to your child being abducted by a human trafficking ring as you’re going to get. So tonight you’re going to burst into the auction with a toy handgun and order one of the women to bid on your son until she wins the auction. Then you’re going to stick the toy gun in her ribs and tell her to take you to where she picks your son up. Unfortunately, the event’s henchmen will also be excited about being able to live out a scene from the movie Taken, and they’ll clock you in the back of the head and string you up from a pipe in the boiler room. Since you don’t have a set of skills that you’ve acquired over a very long career, you won’t be able to escape from the boiler room and the henchmen will murder you while you’re dangling from a pipe. Once you die, the henchmen will be pissed because you were supposed to escape and the Taken scene will be totally ruined. Also, they’ll be jailed for murder. Since your son is the one who entered the auction even though he knew how much you love Taken he’ll spend the rest of his life drowning his guilt in drink.

Happy Rescue Your Son From The Charity Stud Auction Day!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Call Someone You Cut Out Of Your Life For Vague Reasons, But Don’t Say Anything Day!

That list is pretty long by now. You cut Jeff out of your life because you detected a hint of sarcasm in his voice when he made that toast at that one dinner (can’t remember what the dinner or the toast was about). You cut Sharon out of your life for moving on and finding love three years after you broke up with her. And you cut Eddie out of your life because he cheated on his wife and they got a divorce, which affected you in no real way except that you thought he deserved a punishment he never received.

It gets lonely excusing so many people from your acquaintance. Ease the loneliness by calling one of them during dinner and not saying anything. Just listen to the silence of their family as they ask repeatedly that you identify yourself. When they finally say, “George if thats you I really miss you,” hang up. But they never say that so just hang up whenever. You’re George FYI.

Happy Call Someone You Cut Out Of Your Life For Vague Reasons, But Don’t Say Anything Day!

Monday, March 19, 2012

You’re Lorraine Of Lorraine’s Beauty Shop And Today’s The Day You Kill Day!

You knew the day was going to come eventually, the day when Karradine rolled back into town and made like you were still his bride.

“You ran off,” say.

“Twelve years ago and two days,” Karradine will say, leaning against the radiator cover with both hands.

You tell him you didn’t count the days. He’ll say you did, but you didn’t. You didn’t! You didn’t know that you could go ten seconds without Karradine, let alone over twelve years, back when he first roped you in. He was able to convince a young, scared girl like you to join his corral of fake wives. Brides. But it turns out you were so young he was just the first of many sideshows you’d throw a passing glance.

That’s where you have the advantage over Karradine. He doesn’t know how quick you fell in with another crowd, even more destructive than his, but that was nothing compared to the crowd that came after that, and after that, and after that. Karradine doesn’t know that he was essentially just another nobody in your world. In a sea of nobodies. He was the first nobody, the very first, the one who took your belief in goodness away, but just because he was the first that doesn’t make him something special. If you’ve had a life of nightmares, that doesn’t mean the first one is more powerful than the 145th. Karradine doesn’t know he’s not that big a deal to you, so you can just go ahead and look him in the eye and tell him he doesn’t barely merit a flutter of your eyelids. Tell Karradine he’s a nobody, nothing of consequence to you, and send him on his way.

“So,” Karradine will say, his hands still gripping the radiator cover, holding up his weight. “You ready to come home?”

Your answer comes in a blur. You pick up a decorative, Mexican, hard-glass egg and you wheel it over your head and down once, twice into his. You dig it down hard enough to smash a skull to pieces, not just a fatal crack, but to pieces in his sack of skin. The first nightmare is the first and you can’t have any others until you have your first, so it has to die for all the others to go away. The first is important. Karradine has to say goodbye.

Happy You’re Lorraine Of Lorraine’s Beauty Shop And Today’s The Day You Kill Day!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Famous Corpse Day!

You’re the world’s most famous corpse thanks to a sex tape that was released featuring a necrophiliac movie star having sex with your preserved cadaver (he paid a morgue to ship you to him on ice). Extra and Access Hollywood are fighting each other to score the first interview with your lifeless husk. Various branding managers are trying to get you to launch a clothing line with them, envisioning your dead body modeling gorgeous ready-to-wear items that twenty-something girls will be dying to be caught dead in. Meanwhile, parenting groups are accusing your corpse of setting a bad example for their daughters, now that there are reports of teenage girls drawing up their living wills to guarantee that their bodies get preserved and donated to the right morgue in the hope that their bodies will be sexed by someone famous once their souls have passed on. Though your memory is being scandalized, the money from the clothing line, book deal, and reality show (Stiff Livin’ on E!) is going straight into your kids’ college funds, so looks like that car accident wasn’t such a bad idea after all. The celebrity who had sex with your corpse was Adrien Brody.

Happy Famous Corpse Day!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

You Can’t Remember Which Framed Painting Of Your Dick The Wall-Safe With All Your Money Is Behind Day!

Is it the painting of your dick wearing a mustache at the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert? Or the painting of your dick waving a flame-thower at some school kids? Or is it behind the painting where your dick is painting a painting of your dick? There’s 70 thousand dollars in cash in a wall safe behind one of those paintings of your dick. The way you set it up for you to remember is that you would look at all the paintings of your dick and you’d decide which one reminded you of your father the most. Behind that painting is a wall-safe full of money. So take a look around. Which painting of your dick reminds you of your father the most?

Happy You Can’t Remember Which Framed Painting Of Your Dick The Wall-Safe With All Your Money Is Behind Day!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Masked Dating Day!

There’s a terrible new dating site called Masked Dating that you’re trying out. You meet someone online and you two wear masks all night long. You can even strap one of those things to your throat to change your voice if you want. The site also recommends an assortment of poorly lit bars far away from both parties’ respective neighborhoods so neither of you has to worry about anyone who recognizes you walking up to your table and revealing personal details about you. Basically, you can go on a date with someone and not have to worry about the person you’re on the date with finding out you’re you. There’ve been two murders already, and the rest of the dates are with people in WitPro. Tonight, you’re going out with former mob rat Henry Hill!

Happy Masked Dating Day!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

It’s An Epidemic Day!

Today people are dropping like flies and you’re scared because you just heard your husband sneeze.

“It wasn’t a sneeze,” he’ll say.

“I believe you,” tell him.

Don’t believe him. You know he’s got the Fatal Sniffles and you know it’s because he wasn’t careful. You know it’s because he saw her again. He probably went to say goodbye to her, knowing the quarantine would send her across the country away from him. He got infected because he was untrue and now he brings this home to you?


Smile calmly.

“It’s dusty in here.”

“I’m going for a walk,” tell him.

There’s kerosene in the garage. Bolt the door behind you so he’s trapped inside and spray the kerosene around the perimeter of the house then light a match. He brought this on himself, and on you. If this is how careless he is with your life, you should have no regard for his. Light the match and get to the Northeast 3 camp. There’s still room in that quarantine for people who want to stay alive.

Happy It’s An Epidemic Day!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

You’re A Businessman Day!

“Sell,” you shout sometimes. “We need to get that to the mail room ASAP,” you also shout sometimes. “I don’t give a fuck about rain forests,” you’re shouting into the phone right now.

“But sir,” some nobody crybaby responds. “So many pelicans will die.”

“I like money and cheating on my wife with the secretaries!” you shout before slamming the phone down. Then you go to the restaurant and spend $75,000 on lunch because today you’re a businessman. Tomorrow you’ll be a surgeon.

Happy You’re A Businessman Day!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Make Movies About Girls Day!

Today make movies about girls who fall in love with ex-convicts who are trying to go straight but the criminal element keeps calling, and the only thing keeping them on the level is girls. Make movies about girls who love boys who are trying to overthrow fascist governments even though they’d rather just spend their time overthrowing girls. Make movies about girls who set boys on fire in protest against boys who cheat on them with girls who look just like them, and who beat boys to death in protest against boys who cheat with girls who look nothing like them. Make movies about girls who own pet shops, girls who own parking garages, and girls who own other girls. Make a movie about the first all-girl civil war army, the first all-girl major American city, and the first all-girl boy. You have six weeks.

Happy Make Movies About Girls Day!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Tips On Kisses Day!

It’s time for Tips On Kisses, the only place where you can get all the kisses tips you’ll ever need.

First things first, go find yourself someone to kiss.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

Not her.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

Not him.

Keep looking.

Not that.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

What is that? No, put that down you’ll get arrested.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

That’s my Dad.

Keep looking.

She looks inebriated. Ma'am have you been drinking? Then no. Keep looking.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

Found someone? Great!

Okay Tip #2, point your toes at her toes.

Tip #3. Start breathing through your nose. If you have to blow your nose to clear those nostrils, do it now. You’re going to need to be able to breathe through your nose during the kiss, because your mouth will be on hers, your tongues touching, mixing your saliva with her saliva and that includes remnants of everything she’s eaten. You need to be able to breathe through your nose while you do all that, so make sure you’re all clear.

Tip #4. Look her in the eye but not angrily. Look at her like you’re thinking, “I wanna put it in my mouth. I wanna put it in my mouth and keep it. I wanna sneak it into a movie theater in my mouth then sit down in my seat and pull it out of my mouth, then I wanna put it in my mouth again.”

Tip #5. Say I love you.

Tip #6. Grab her by both of her hands, then spin her around like a ballerina. Girls need to feel like ballerinas. Don’t spin her too many times. 30 times and that’s it.

Tip #7. Start to lean in for the big moment but stop and say, “Wait, do you hear something?” Then run into the bushes and make scary animal sounds like you’re being attacked. Slice your own face open with a knife you should already have, then walk back out and say, “That bear won’t be bothering you ever again.” Girls need to feel like protected ballerinas.

Tip #8. By now she’s topless of her own volition unless you did something wrong. It’s time to ask her who she’s working for. Say, “I’m not a fool. You’re clearly just trying to get information out of me. No woman as beautiful as you would be interested in me unless you wanted to know what I know.” She’ll insist that she’s just into it and nothing more, but she’ll be happy because girls need to feel like protected ballerinas who are beautiful enough to be international spies.

Tip #9. Pull out your penis and waggle it. Explain, “It will get longer later. I promise.” If she agrees to believe your promise, shake hands. Note, don’t make this promise unless it’s the truth but it probably is.

Tip #10. Now is when you exchange hand-made presents. Dreamcatchers and lanyards are good first kiss gifts. No ashtrays. Even if she’s a smoker, you shouldn’t encourage that.

Tip #11. Tell your families that you’d both like to be excused from the dinner table. Your families will continue getting to know each other while the two of you go someplace private.

Tip #12. Follow the rose petals you should have already laid out as a path to your kiss tub. Get completely naked, climb into the tub together, and have intercourse.

Tip #13. Continue having intercourse for several months, maybe as many as a year, before you decide to move in together. Do so, but make sure you put the stuff that doesn’t fit in the apartment into storage in case things don’t work out.

Tip #14. Marry and have three children. It’s going to be a rough rocky road, and sometimes you’ll wonder if you two are even going to make it to your first kiss without splitting up, but you will.

Tip #15. Help each other through a difficult illness, the development of a differently abled child, and the death of both your parents. Be there for her when she needs you. Girls who are about to be kissed need to feel like beautiful, protected ballerinas who know that they can count on you through the tough times, so the sweet times will be that much sweeter.

Tip #16. Deal with an infidelity, yours or hers. It happens. Your love is stronger than that, the kiss you’re about to enjoy way too important.

Tip #17. Relish the time with your grandchildren. Marvel that you’ve raised such fine adults.

Tip #18. Receive a diagnosis that says you don’t have much longer together. It’s time to buy the pills.

Tip #19. Lie down, eat the pills, and pull the large plastic bag over your heads.

Tip #20. Lean in and slowly, gently, finally, give her the kiss she’s been waiting for, your first and only. Press your lips to hers and feel her mouth against yours as the pills slow your systems and the oxygen in the bag depletes and you calmly, quietly leave this world and carry each other into nothingness on the wings of your very first kiss.

Happy Tips On Kisses Day!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Home Invasions Count Day!

Today you’re going to experience a home invasion when two men knock on your door then burst in, tying you up, waving a gun in your face, and stealing all of your electronics and valuables before pistol whipping you and leaving. Though you’ve never seen them before and will never see them again, you’re going to count the whole ordeal as an evening of entertaining at home, something you haven’t done in the eleven years since your wife died (your wife cultivated most of the friendships in your marriage and people lost touch with you after she passed). You’re not going to call the police because you don’t want to remember this as a home invasion. You want to remember it as having had company over.

“See that Pam? I can still make friends without you,” you’ll shout at the sky. Then you’ll fall over on your side because you’re still tied to a chair. The paperboy will untie you two days from now.

Happy Home Invasions Count Day!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

We Aren’t What You Ordered But We Are Who You Want Day!

You ordered a blonde prostitute but when the doorbell rings you’ll see three guys with dyed black hair in half shirts and Vans. “You aren’t what I ordered,” you’ll say. “But we’re who you want,” they’ll say. “Based on the questionnaire.” You did fill out a questionnaire and you answered the questions honestly. Invite the gentlemen in and don’t be surprised if you don’t find that the algorithm has landed you in the greatest solicited sexual arrangement you’ve ever enjoyed. Learn about yourself, Daryl (your name’s Daryl also).

Happy We Aren’t What You Ordered But We Are Who You Want Day!

Friday, March 09, 2012

Go Out On The Work Crew’s Scaffold And Just Hang Out Day!

The work crew has been outside your window working on the building facade for weeks now, and you’ve barely said two words to them. Today’s the day you just crawl out your window and hang out with them for a while. Ask them where they’re from, if they have any kids, how many times they’ve fallen in love, whether they’ve ever gone mountain biking and whether they’d like to go with you this weekend if the weather holds up. Also ask them what they think of your husband. Do they think he’s a good man? Do they think you could do better, because you have your doubts in that area. The work crew will be honest with you. They work with their hands.

Happy Go Out On The Work Crew’s Scaffold And Just Hang Out Day!

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Mr. And Mrs. Funzone Day!

You and your wife worked at Funzone during high school and while you attended community college. It’s where you met, both of you making extra cash by tending to kids’ birthday parties and class trips. You courted her by the balls. You kissed her behind the cover of the Climb Tube. You made love in your car parked out back by the dumpsters where the pizza chefs get high. You proposed to her on stage while the animatronic band played Louie Louie. Now you’re both on the run for stealing seventy six thousand dollars and for killing the manager of Funzone, Lenny Fuonzoni.

“It’s believed that Mr. Fuonzoni was connected to the Leonetti organized crime family out of Rhode Island,” the newscaster is saying on the TV you’re watching in a motel room near Waterville, New Hampshire. Your faces will appear on screen in a minute. You can only hope the motel manager isn’t watching. He didn’t seem to get a very good look at you.

“The police have nicknamed them Mr. and Mrs. Funzone, and they are believed to still be in the Northeast. If you have any information…”

You thought Funzone was an innocent place. You didn’t know that it was a front for the biggest drug and prostitution syndicate in the state. You didn’t know that those kids were playing in balls made of cocaine and sexual commerce. You didn’t know the pizza sauce might as well have been made of blood. You didn’t know that you were helping put an innocent face on evil. When you found out…

“We had to do it,” you tell your wife. “We had to make him pay.”

“Now what?” your wife will ask, staring at the bag of money.

Canada. You need to get to Canada before the Leonettis or the police get to you. If you have to choose, the police will be the much safer bet. You need to keep heading north.

Outside you’ll hear footsteps approaching. They’ll stop outside your door. You’ll wait for a knock. Instead, after a few seconds of silence, a voice that may or may not be Italian will say, “Fun’s over.”

Happy Mr. And Mrs. Funzone Day!

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

They Call You Jeffrey Darts And You’re Throwing Three More Darts To Save Your Little Brother’s Life And That’s It Day!

Your little brother got in trouble borrowing money from the mob to set up his abortion clinic and he ended up not being able to pay it back.

“People just aren’t having as many abortions these days, due to it being an election year,” he tells you. “They said they’ll break my abortion thumbs if I don’t give them ten grand.”

The darts tournament pays ten grand. It’s not a coincidence that the mob would ask your little brother for just that amount. They’ve been looking for the chance to bet on you again. No one in the darts game pays out like you do.

“I’ll throw the darts,” you say. “I’ll throw three darts and no more than three. You go kill some babies and don’t sweat this.”

Stuff your darts case into your back pocket and go see Lou. You know where to find him. He’ll be eating his greasy sandwich with his little brother Joey and his cousin Danny. They know they sent you a message, but they don’t know what your response will be.

One dart in Lou’s neck. A second one in Joey’s eye. A third you jam into Danny’s heart and leave it there. One, two, three darts. Bull’s eye.

That’s how you play the board, Jeffrey Darts.

Happy They Call You Jeffrey Darts And You’re Throwing Three More Darts To Save Your Little Brother’s Life And That’s It Day!

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Louise Day!

Your name is Louise today and you’re using a baby as a body shield.

“Louise!” your coworker and your only friend will shout.

“I’m innocent,” you’ll scream.

“But a baby? Come on Louise. Are you innocent of that?”

You’ll look at the baby. “You don’t know what you’d do in my position.”

She knows what she’d do. You know too.

“Look, I panicked,” you’ll say. “The baby’s peeing”

The baby’s peeing over your fingers.

“Put the baby down Louise,” your friend and coworker will shout. “This looks so bad.”

“I’m innocent,” shout again. “I was, at least."

You’ll lower the baby a little in shame. A marksman with the shot will take it. You’ll fall and the baby will land on your sprawled out legs.

Tomorrow you’ll be you again, but as far as today is concerned, for Christ’s sake. A baby?

Happy Louise Day!

Monday, March 05, 2012

Your Dog Is Telling The Big New York Strangler To Strangle People Day!

Everyone in New York City is scared of the Big New York Strangler. He’s been writing to newspapers telling them it’s not his fault, that a dog has been telling him to do it. Since the police can’t find the strangler, the police have decided to start tracking down the dog to tell him to stop it with the telling the guy to strangle people stuff.

When you heard that a dog was involved, you immediately suspected your Yorkie.

“You think it’s me, right?” your Yorkie says when it spots you staring at it. Tell it no, you would never suspect it.

“It’s okay. I’m very convincing.”

Ask it if it would ever do something like that.

“I can’t say that your race couldn’t do with a little weeding out,” your Yorkie will say. “But no. I haven’t told anyone to murder anybody in years.”

Hug your Yorkie and say you never suspected it.

“But I have been telling one gentleman to avenge the humiliations his mother delivered upon him by making his neighbors feel the punishment. What he did with that suggestion, I can’t guess.”

Your Yorkie will look you in the eye.

“After all,” it will say. “I’m just a dog.”

You’ll swear you saw it smile when it said that.

“Tell the police and you’re next.”

Your Yorkie will get up off its wee-wee pad and hop on the ottoman, where it totally doesn’t belong. But what are you going to do? What options do you have?

Happy Your Dog Is Telling The Big New York Strangler To Strangle People Day!

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Mom’s Diet Pills Day!

You took away Mom’s diet pills because you want Mom to get fat so there will be more of her to love. Unfortunately Mom is addicted to those pills so when she finds them gone she immediately shoots her boarder, Harold, because she assumes he stole them. She comes to you to help her bury the body, but she says you have to do all the work because her reflexes are a little shot without those pills. When she’s not looking you take the pills out of your pocket and drop them on the ground, then pretend to find them and say, “Hey look. I found your pills. I guess maybe they were dropped there by someone who cares about you or something?”

You’re scared that your mom will get angry at you, since it was obviously you who took the pills. But instead she just takes them out of your hand, winks and says, “Guess so.”

Then she gobbles a couple of pills and lays down in the corner of the lawn, curled up like a cat, and she cries quietly while the pills take hold. You start shoveling to get that body in the ground before dawn, grateful that she didn’t get angry. This is the first time you’ve ever really let your mom know you care about her. It feels nice knowing she knows.

Happy Mom’s Diet Pills Day!

Saturday, March 03, 2012

You’re The Motel Ghost Day!

You’re the ghost that haunts the Motel 6 off of I-95 near exit 222. You’ve seen more horrors than have ever been dreamed about by the architects of hell. Even if you stay in just one room you can be stunned by the disgusting atrocities committed by that room’s guests over the course of a single week. Today you’re trying to keep your attention on the TV as a little girl washes the blood off the walls after having spent the evening murdering her parents all because her father got a job in Florida and took her away from her friends at school. You’re considering throwing a few things around the room to scare her, but you know you could never do anything to frighten her more than her very existence has already frightened you. Instead, just wail at her “Geeeet Ooooout!” in a way that convinces her that she’s in danger, and not that you’re terrified to be in her company for a single moment. If it gets too scary, open the doorway to hell and escape into the firey eternity of torture to get the fuck away from the horrific nightmare that is modern American humanity looking for a cheap place to sleep.

Happy You’re The Motel Ghost Day!

Friday, March 02, 2012

Select Fast Cash Day!

Select “Fast Cash” at the ATM and you’ll be given an address for a warehouse full of bootleg cigarettes. A truck will be waiting outside. Drive the cigarettes to another warehouse in New Jersey, and when you get there, the $200 you’d like to withdraw from your account will be waiting for you. Is it a setup? Too good to be true? Can you afford not to take the chance? You have dinner plans at a cash only restaurant in three hours. The clock is already ticking. Should have withdrawn your money sooner if you wanted to be a good boy.

Happy Select Fast Cash Day!

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Everyone At The Big Business Meeting Is Related But Doesn’t Know It Day!

They all feel it when they walk in the room. They all feel warm, and a little testy, like they’re filing into the dining room for Thanksgiving. Then they sit down, introduce each other, tell each other which branch of your multinational company they all hail from, then the meeting will start.

The speeches flow a little easier and the Powerpoint presentations have a little more meaning it seems. Bad jokes are laughed at with more playful groans. No one will get very flirty at all, but when there’s reason to disagree, tempers flare like things have been building for years, even though you all just met.

You’re second cousin to Jennifer in Accounting from Miami, who is the half-sister by secret family to Roger from Anaheim sales, who is first cousin to Pam, VP out of Flagstaff, who’s the father (doesn’t know it) to Dewey, the exec assistant for Mr. Hollis, CFO, who is an uncle to George, marketing manager for the Toledo campus, and George is first cousin to Felicia, a creative from Chicago.

Not a one of you knows, but all of you feel it. Every single one of you feels that same blood flowing through your veins.

By the end of the meeting, very little will have been accomplished, but it will feel like something necessary happened, something important. You’ll feel like this meeting was a long time coming, and you’ll feel exhausted, like you’ve been torn open and emptied out in front of the people who know exactly what you’ve got inside of you. All over the course of looking at some pie charts about projected staff cuts to be made in first quarter 2013.

When you get back to your hotel, send an email to the participants telling them what a great meeting you had. Roger from Anaheim will reply in agreement. Jennifer in accounting will concur. Dewey the executive assistant for Mr. Hollis will send everyone all of the pictures he took of everybody, and Mr. Hollis will post the big group photo on his Facebook page.

Wait a few weeks before sending out feelers for a meeting reunion six months from now. Everyone will be on board, but if you do it too soon it will be weird.

Happy Everyone At The Big Business Meeting Is Related But Doesn’t Know It Day!