Thursday, November 05, 2015

This Is How You’ll Fall In Love Day!

A bank representative will come to your house and tell you it’s not your house anymore, it’s the bank’s. Your husband will die of a heart attack on the spot. The bank representative will help you try and resuscitate him, but it won’t be any use.

At the funeral, the bank representative will stand by a tree and watch. You’ll go to him, with the same flush of giddiness you felt when you first saw him standing on your porch.

“You felt it too,” you’ll say.

“When we were performing CPR,” he’ll say. “I knew your husband was gone. But I kept performing mouth to mouth. Knowing that his lips had probably recently touched yours, I couldn’t resist putting my mouth to his again and again and again.”

“I thought you were hogging him,” you’ll say with a giggle. “But you were wrong. His lips hadn’t touched mine for quite some time.”

He takes you home because you need a roof over your head and you live the rest of your years together. On your death bed you’ll say to him, “Thank God my dead husband never paid his bills and ruined his heart with fatty foods.”

“Thank God my bank had a no mercy attitude to delinquent borrowers,” he’ll answer.

He kisses you, with the same hungry kiss he gave to your husband when he searched his mouth for a lingering taste of yours. He kisses you to keep you from opening your mouth and saying goodbye.

Happy This Is How You’ll Fall In Love Day!

Tuesday, November 03, 2015

You Sold The Drugs That A Beloved Actor OD’d On Day!

It’s all over the papers.

“Beloved Actor OD’s On Jennifer’s Drugs.”

You try to go about your day but everyone knows. When you drop your daughter off at day care, the other moms are glaring at you.

“Thanks for making movies suck more, Jennifer,” the Day Care Administrator says as she leads your daughter inside.

At the supermarket, the deli guy goes over the quarter pound of ham that you requested.

“Oh I’m sorry,” he says sarcastically. “But then again, you’re no stranger to giving people more than they can handle.”

When you get home your husband is waiting with his bags packed,

“I can’t stay here,” he says. “I loved that one movie he was in with the horse. Now there’ll never be a sequel, because of your drugs.”

You ask him what he’ll live off of.

“I’ll get a job. I don’t wanna live off your drug money.”

You ask what about his daughter.

“Keep her,” he says. “She was raised on drug money.”

Just to get him started, you give him $500,000 in drug money and send him on his way.

“I respect your decision,” you say.

The next day your secretary has lots of messages for you.

“Lots of people want to buy our drugs!” she says. “They think if it killed that one actor it must be good drugs.”

You hire more people, which stimulates the economy and gets you praise in the news as a job creator.

“That worked out,” you say out loud to no one and nothing.

Happy You Sold The Drugs That A Beloved Actor OD’d On Day!