Thursday, March 26, 2009

Can't Wait Until Lunchtime Day!

You can't wait until lunchtime because lunchtime is when you get to talk to Raymond the kid behind the counter at Quiznos. Raymond looks exactly like Pat, one of your friends from high school who died on Prom night. You were driving and you bet everyone in the car that you could make it across the train tracks before the train passed. No one in the car took the bet and they begged you to just take them to their prom so that they could live out the night they've dreamed about throughout their teens. But them being scared was just going to make it all that much more fun when you ramped over those train tracks just in the nick of time. It didn't work out that way though, and everyone in the car died but you. Which is why you like ordering your lunch from Raymond every day because it lets you pretend that the world stopped just minutes before you got hit by that train and Pat not only isn't dead, but he's still 17 and he got a job at Quiznos.

Unfortunately, today you're not going to be allowed to order your sandwich because the manager will step in front of Raymond and tell you you're not allowed to eat lunch there anymore since every time you order a sandwich you follow it up by screaming "I'M SO SO SORRY!" and then lunge across the counter to try and hug Raymond and it scares his customers. Head over to Hale and Hearty where one of the salad girls looks like Kelly, one of your friends who was in the backseat, except more of a Latina version of Kelly.

Happy Can't Wait Until Lunchtime Day!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Burglars Catch You Sobbing Day!

When two burglars jimmy your lock and come creeping into your apartment today, they won’t know that you’re home at first. All the lights will be off and the shades drawn, and it will be so musty and dank inside that they’ll assume the place has been left empty for a month. They’ll go about burgling without even worrying about the noise they make. They’ll even turn on the HDTV and check out the picture before they decide to unhook it.

It’s only after they’ve finished gathering all the electronics that they’ll make their way into the bedroom for the jewelry and find you stretched out face down across the width of your bed. They’ll freeze, unsure of whether you’re awake or asleep. They’ll shine a flashlight on your back and watch it shiver as you release your peel of muffled sobs.

“Hey lady,” one will say.

“Just go away!” you’ll shout, without rolling over.

“We don’t wanna hurt you,” the other will say.

“Go ahead! Everyone else has!” you’ll shout back.

The burglars will be thrown. They’ll argue in whispers about what to do with you. Until you interrupt them.

“I said get out! Leave me alone!” you’ll shout, still not rolling over to face them.

They won’t say anything at first. Then:

“We’re stealing all your stuff,” one will say.

“Yeah,” the other will add. “Don’t you wanna stop us?”

This will send you over the top. You’ll spring to a half-sitting position, place your reddened, tear-stained face directly in the beam of their flashlight and you’ll scream, “I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

The scream will make each of them remember their own big sisters as teenagers. They’ll remember being concerned, listening at the bedroom door to the breakup tears coming from inside, then they’d get up the courage to shuffle in and ask what’s wrong, only to be commanded to leave with the most blood-curdling screech they’d ever heard.

You’ll fall back on the bed and the burglars will back-step out of your room, pulling the door part-way closed behind them. They’ll argue in louder whispers in the living room, then they’ll gather up their loot and get ready to leave.

Before they go, one will lean back into your bedroom.

“Hey,” the man who is about to take off with all of your valuables will say. “It’s gonna get better.”

Happy Burglars Catch You Sobbing Day!