Saturday, October 29, 2011

Vows Day!

You wake up in Joe’s bed on your wedding day, the day you’ll begin the rest of your life with Henry.

Don’t roll out of bed shouting regrets at the clothes on the floor.

Don’t double over in tears.

Don’t shake Joe awake and tell him it was a mistake insisting you love Henry and you just got scared and you did something to put it all in jeopardy because that’s how a young girl sets things in motion.

Stay still, your breath steady, testing the weather under the covers. A heat created by the humming machinery under your and Joe’s skin. He runs hotter than Henry.

Joe opens his eyes and tells you he’s a despicable Best Man. Tell him you’re a despicable bride.

In calm even tones, both of you repeat the following:

I [Your cheating/lying/best friend or husband-to-be betraying name]

Promise to never ever hurt Henry like this again.

I will devote my life to making Henry’s life more comfortable and entertaining

As penance for this dishonest act.

I will never tell Henry about this morning, about last night.

I will do what I can to understand the feelings that made me want to harm this person I love dearly.

I will do what I can to be a good wife/a better friend.

Pinky swear, then sneak out of Joe’s room and down to yours using the fire stairs. It’s time to get ready for the best day of your life.

Happy Vows Day!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Training Day!

Today is your first day behind the fish counter at Whole Foods. The guy training you is named Felix and Felix is sad.

“Last night I got up the nerve to ask my wife to take me back,” Felix says. “She said no, that she’s happy with her new life, living with a new man who doesn’t wear the stink of the sea on him at all times, a stink so deeply penetrating it’s like he’s got guppies swimming through his veins instead of blood. She used to make me hold my arms in a bucket of bleach up to my elbows once a week. I did it. For her I did it, and I still do it in case she ever decides to change her mind and find a place in her heart for me again. That’s why my arm hair’s blonde if you were wondering.”

You were wondering and you’re glad he explained it. However, you’re worried that Felix’s heart isn’t in this and you’re going to start your training off on the wrong foot.

“There’ll be other fish in the sea,” you say, laughing uncomfortably. “Hey how about we start training?”

Felix says, “I can’t train you kid. I can’t induct you into this life. I can’t let another man suffer loveless and alone, nothing to keep him company but the fish scales permanently stuck to the tops of his shoes. Swim, boy.”

Look Felix in the eye and say, “If I can convince your wife to take you back, will you train me?”

Felix will say yes. You’ll spend the next six years of your life trying to convince his wife to take him back but she won’t budge. Eventually, Felix will die of a broken heart, and when his coffin goes in the ground, so will your dream of working a fish counter at Whole Foods. This is how you will learn that just because you have a dream, the universe is under no obligation whatsoever to make sure you see that dream fulfilled.

Happy Training Day!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Say Goodbye To The Guy You Ran Some Errands For Day!

While on the run from the police who want to arrest you for Public Sadness you’ll spy a townhouse with the front door wide open so you slip inside hoping to have a place to hide for a while. In the vestibule you’ll realize you’ve been there before. It’s Murray’s house. Murray’s an angry old rich man and fifteen years ago you used to run errands for him.

“Come to gloat?” Murray will be sitting in a wheelchair before you at the end of the long hall, two suitcases flanking him on the floor.

“I’ve come to say goodbye,” you’ll say.

Walk to Murray and kneel by his chair.

“I was reaching for my wife’s photo on the nightstand and I fell out of bed,” Murray will say. “That was enough to have my home health aide tell em I need full-time staff care. Off to the damn home.”

“Time to go Murray,” the home health aide will say from behind you.

You need to stay in that house until the police pass, so start stalling.

“Murray, there’s something I never told you.”

Murray will say spit it out. Shoot a look at the home health aide to get Murray to tell him to wait outside. When he’s gone, say, “I came to you when I was just 23. You were very important to me at that time, like a father I never had. My whole adult life, I’ve tried to live it with yours as my example.”

Murray’s eyes will well up with tears. “I wasn’t sure if I got through to you, kid. I need to tell you something too.”

Say, “What is it Murray?”

Murray will say, “Lean in closer. I want to tell you about something I want to give to you. When I’m not around anymore.”

You’ll do as he says. He’ll cough a few times, wipe his mouth slowly, then he’ll take a few deep breaths, trying to summon enough air in his lungs to speak. When he finally does, he’ll say, “Sorry kid.”

Two policemen will have you in their grip and facedown on the floor before you realize what’s happened. They came in the open front door right after you and snuck up while you were waiting for Murray’s declaration.

“Nice job stalling, sir,” one of the cops will say.

“Just glad I could help clean up this neighborhood a little bit before I say goodbye to it,” Murray will say.

Look up at Murray and say, “I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry about a lot of things I guess.”

“Then you really did follow my example, kid.”

One of the cops will say, “Maybe next time you won’t be so sad in public, we won’t have to put you away.”

You’ll be taken before the judge and sentenced to twenty-five years in prison.

Happy Say Goodbye To The Guy You Ran Some Errands For Day!

Monday, October 03, 2011

Every Boy Needs A Hero Day!

When Jeff sees you out on the ledge he won’t be scared. He knows you can fly.

“No,” his coworker Arnold will say. “She can stop time, but she can’t fly.”

“You’re both wrong,” Keith from legal will say. “She has the ability to control crowds with the pitch and tremble of her voice.”

“For God’s sake,” the guy from the mail room (forgot his name) will say. “She’s able hypnotize people with her eyes. What’s wrong with you fucking idiots? Get it straight.”

“You’re all wrong,” Evan Holcomb III, the CEO of the company will say. They didn’t see him walk up behind them.

“Mr. Holcomb,” they’ll all say. He’s never spoken to any of them before.

Staring up at you, Mr. Holcomb will continue talking as if he forgot his employees were there. Or, at least, as if he forgot they were his employees. He’ll marvel at you, a deep sadness in his eyes, and he’ll say, “She can hold her breath for a really long time.”

His employees will manage to keep from laughing at him until he wanders away. Then they’ll go back to looking at you, waiting to see how you get yourself out of this one. They’ve all been arguing over which powers you possess every since your first day of work, when you wore the blue dress. They don’t know what made you decide to step out on that ledge while they were all at lunch, but they know whatever it is, you can get out of it.

You — and your eyebrows, and the way your voice gets deep when you argue, and your fingernails, and your sweetness — are their hero. Get down off that ledge safely and you’ll prove them right for having believed in you.

Happy Every Boy Needs A Hero Day!