Thursday, May 27, 2010

You Are The Building Prankster Day!

Everyone in the building was counting on you to bring a little levity into their lives especially after Harris in 6C was found dead (suicide) so that's why you've hidden all of the building's housecats.

"I simply broke into each apartment that housed a cat and covertly abducted the cat to the hideaway, where all of the cats have been playfully fighting for the past six weeks," you tell the police.

"You should have seen their faces when they all started to realize that every cat in the building was going missing," you giggle, ignoring your lawyer's pleas for you to keep quiet. "They were all like, where are our cats? It was classic!"

The DA is still trying to figure out how to inflate the charges he can bring against you. Since no humans were harmed, it's difficult to get you on anything but burglary and animal cruelty. And since they have to make a deal with you in order to get you to tell them where the cats have been hidden (they're in a medium sized storage unit at the U-Stor-It on Columbus), you're holding all the cards.

"Prank of the century!" you exclaim to the police, cackling with pride. Seeing as the cats haven't been fed in a day, the police are running out of time so they're about to begin beating you in the mid-section with their night sticks.

Happy You Are The Building Prankster Day!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Be A Rich Person Who Dates The Poor Day!

Everyone likes it when rich people give to the less fortunate, so you should dump your similarly wealthy spouse and go to a poor-person's restaurant like McDonalds or Chipotle and hit on one of cashiers.

"You have a languorous beauty," say to the cashier, with relative certainty that it's a compliment.

The cashier will respond, "Normally I refrain from making eye contact with someone of such substantial means, but I can't help myself with you."

"Come out with me tonight," say to the cashier. "I will take you places where they keep lobsters in a fish tank and allow you to pick any one you want."

The cashier will be uncertain. "I come from proud people. We may not have a lot, but we don't take what we haven't earned."

Say to the cashier, "Oh I'll make you earn it. For every dollar I spend on you, you have to give a year of your life."

The cashier will estimate what a dinner with you might cost and then do the math. "Why, your asking me to give of myself to you until the end of time!"

Take your cashier's hand and promise to be true. The cashier will cry, and everyone else behind the counter will cheer as they do whenever someone wealthy comes along and steals away a staff-member. They'll take the cashier into the back of the kitchen to be scrubbed clean in one of the extra-large sinks, and then your cashier will be delivered to you, sparkling and fresh with scent of highly concentrated dish cleaner. Now all you have to do is take your cashier to a society dinner and finally give your mother the heart-attack she's been threatening to have for the last two damned decades.

Happy Be A Rich Person Who Dates The Poor Day!

Also this: How To Break Up With Boys

Monday, May 17, 2010

Mom Lives In Dad's Attic Now Day!

You like to stop by your Dad's house and cook him dinner once or twice a week. It makes you feel good to know he's not eating alone every night. You usually close out the meal with some typical chit-chat, updating each other on what you're up to, what you've heard about whom. But tonight, just as you're finishing the dishes and getting ready to put your coat on, your Dad will remember a bit of news.

"Oh by the way, if you wanna see Mom she's upstairs. Mom lives in my attic now, but don't tell the Feds."

After your mom and dad divorced, your mom started getting in a lot of trouble with the IRS and eventually a warrant was issued for her arrest. Apparently she reached out to your Dad and he was fine with her hiding out in his house, her old house for that matter, as long as she didn't make too much noise.

"And none of your sing-songy voice," he said during the negotiation. "Hated the way you couldn't say a word to me without having to sing it like we was living in a musical."

Your Mom agreed to his terms and now she's upstairs on an air mattress, reading some magazines.

"Just like old times," she says when you come up and see her.

You ask her if this is just some ploy to get back together with Dad.

"God no," she says. "It's just if the Feds find me I'll die in prison."

"Quiet up there!" your Dad shouts through the floorboards, banging the ceiling with a broom handle.

"Don't worry about me sweetie," your Mom says. "It's just so nice to be back in my old house, even if I have to stay in the attic."

Your Mom will live alone in your Dad's attic for the next twenty months, until one night your Dad climbs upstairs and asks your Mom if he can sleep up there with her that night because for the first time in 30 years he's scared to be alone. Your Mom will welcome him to her air mattress, and they'll live together in the attic for another four months. Then one night your Dad will die (of natural causes) and your mom will take off before the police show up for the body. She'll write.

Happy Mom Lives In Dad's Attic Now Day!