Sunday, April 01, 2012

Help Sally Run Away From Her Husband Day!

She’ll knock on the back door while you’re eating dinner. Invite her in and she’ll explain the situation and ask you to drive her out of state.

“Just across state lines,” she’ll say. “You can’t take love across state lines.”

You’ll argue that it’s Sunday and you shouldn’t have to break up people’s marriages on Sunday, even if you’re the best.

“Her husband sucks,” your wife will say. “You just have to get her to the eastern border of the state. Then he can’t follow her. Them’s the rules.”

Say okay. Give your wife a kiss goodbye, then you and Sally hop into the truck and start driving fast to the border.

“Think he’s looking for me?” Sally will ask.

Just then a pair of headlights will swerve onto the road behind you.

“That’s affirmative,” you’ll say, stepping on the gas.

You know the way. You’ve gotten three friends out of marriages before, and this old truck knows how to keep an unwanted spouse in the dust. Now’s the time to get some taste of the meat of what you’re doing today.

“So…” you’ll say after making a hard right down a narrow alley.

“I was disappointed,” she’ll tell you. “He gave me a lot of talk about how he’d turn out but he turned out to be nothing special.”

“That’s enough for a wife to take off?” you’ll ask her.

She’ll look at you and she’ll nod. There will be an apology in her eyes.

The state lines are just up ahead but you’re not speeding for them anymore. The car behind you could gain on you easily, but he’s not even trying. You pull across the border and come to a stop.

“When’d she put you up to it?”

Sally will say, “It’s been in the works for months.”

The driver of the follower car will get out and come walking up to your window. It’s not Sally’s husband. It’s Pamela, your wife’s friend from way back in high school.

“Sorry,” Pamela will say. “Come on Sally. I’ll drive you home.”

You’ll shift into gear and head back to your house, knowing full well that it’s empty. Your wife wouldn’t have had to drive very fast to get herself across the western border. With you headed east like a bat out of hell, she might have even taken the time to write you a note. Maybe it’s waiting for you back there, which is why you should take your time, maybe a few days, before heading home again.

Happy Help Sally Run Away From Her Husband Day!