Your mother and many other mothers in the area no longer trusted your school district to not teach you about homosexuality or science, so she pulled you out of it. She considered Home Schooling, but your mother worried that while you were at home a visiting mailman or UPS delivery carrier might ring the doorbell and tell you that gay love is okay or that there’s physics. So your mom joined together with some other mothers to start a school in the woods bordering the New Jersey Turnpike between exits 7A and 8.
Today you and some other kids are in the woods for Saturday detention because your teacher caught you reading a Time Magazine, which is on the pornography list in your library. There are five of you, all from different cliques. Kevin is a jock and an anti-abortionist. Maria’s the prom queen and she loathes evolution. Peter’s the nerd who hates that the travel of gays isn’t trackable by embedded GPS chips. Patty is the weirdo who hopes that one day her vagina is declared illegal. And Arthur’s the badass who wants to one day build a prayer-only hospital.
You’ll start off the day feeling standoffish with each other, but by the end of the day you’ll realize you all have something in common: all of you start the day by throwing up on your own genitals to curb the urge to masturbate.
But will you say hi to each other when you see each other in the New Jersey Turnpike woods on Monday? Or will you be afraid of what your friends will think? I think we all know the answer. Hey look, Arthur just punched his fist into the air as he walks up the off-ramp for exit 8.
Happy Breakfast Club At Turnpike High Day!