Time for you to start owning snakes. You have to own at least two snakes by midnight tonight.
“I have a funeral today,” you say.
Pet store closes at 9. More than enough time to get there after the funeral.
“People are flying in from all over. Friends I haven’t seen since college. The guy who died was really popular and we need to spend some time trying to figure out why he killed himself,” you say.
He killed himself?
“Yeah,” you say.
Tough. Get some snakes.
“I’d really like to–”
Stop it. Get some snakes. You have until midnight.
“Maybe I can sneak away. Just so broken up about Arthur. I mean, why? Why now?”
No one gives a shit. Fuck your dead friend. Get some snakes or God help you.
Happy Own Snakes Day!