Your thing is you cry through all your songs. You started crying during your very first song and it sold millions so you’ve had to cry on every song ever since, and throughout every interview, and in every paparazzi photo. Basically, if you’re ever happy your career will be shot.
“Hi,” a woman will say to you. Her smile will make you feel like there’s hope.
Run in the other direction to the nearest yes-kill animal shelter so you can watch unclaimed pets being put down. Your fans are counting on you.
Happy You’re The Saddest Rock Star Day!