Monday, April 30, 2012

You’re The Funny Drunk Day!

You’re the funny drunk and people love to see you do funny things when you’re drunk which is how you lost your hand. You were drunk while working at the grocery store and your co-workers were like, “Hey funny drunk, do a handstand on the meat slicer.” You did, but you accidentally turned the meat slicer on while you were getting situated, so bye bye hand.

Yesterday one of your friends shouted, “Hey funny drunk, go call Sharon and tell her you don’t love her anymore.” You said you had to drink on it. Sharon is the girl you love more than anything in the world. She’s stood by you through the years, even as you did things like losing your hand to a meat slicer handstand and whatnot. You don’t want to be without her, but you also don’t want to disappoint everyone who loves how funny you are when you’re drunk.

Your shrink says you should either quit drinking altogether, or you should break it off with Sharon. Not just because it would be really funny, but she deserves better.

You decide to tell your friend that you’ll do anything else. Anything but that. Anything funny that he can think of.

“Sorry,” he’ll say. “But it has to be the phone call.”

You decide then and there to quit drinking. Your friend will get pissed and tell you that he is in love with Sharon and he was trying to trick you into freeing her up and now he’s furious so he’ll throw a punch which is why they call him the angry drunk. You’ll take the punch and later you’ll want a drink but you won’t get one because you’ve made a decision. Everything will feel kind of blank from now on, and since you’ll be sober you’ll finally be able to mourn the hand you lost.

Happy You’re The Funny Drunk Day!