Monday, October 31, 2005

Walter Isn't Sick Anymore Day

Walter Isn't Sick Anymore Day!

He's back at work today, thirty pounds lighter. But completely free of the mysterious respiratory illness that sent him to what many assumed to be his deathbed.

Walter's going to trot into the office like a little boy at Christmas, excited to see how you all decorated his cube and brimming to tell you about his near-death adventure.

The first woman he'll come in contact with is Marisol, the records administrator. He'll grab her in his arms and tell her how happy he is to see her face. She'll look up into his eyes and start screaming. When he sets her free from his embrace, Marisol will back away slowly, pointing at him and reciting prayers in Spanish. Then she'll make the sign of the cross and flee.

Walter will stay there at the door, trying to figure out what just happened. Then he'll shout out, "Hey everybody! I'm back!"

Slowly, the heads will rise above their cubicle walls, all eyes bugged wide with terror.

"Hey guys, man I sure am glad to see all of you again. What'd I miss?"

Their arms will rise and all fingers will point in Walter's direction. They'll start howling like demons until you are forced to hustle Walter into a conference room.

"We don't have much time," tell him. "They mourned you."

"But I didn't die," Walter will argue.

"You were sick for so long, the productivity came to a halt as we waited for word of your condition. As department manager, I decided it would be best that we all mourn you as if you were already gone."

They'll be pounding at the door to the conference room.

"So, they're under the impression that I'm…"

"Undead," tell him. "A zombie. Yes. Some of these people have been on this floor for thirty years. They only believe what they read in the body of a company memo."

The pounding will be growing louder. You can hear the wood around the door hinges begin to crack.

"You have to get out of here," say. "Climb up into the drop ceiling."

Both of you will get up on the table and knock a pane of the drop ceiling from its frame. The door will crack louder in the doorframe. Walter will be up in the frame, his legs dangling. Once, twice, a third crash and the door is off its hinges. Walter will hold his hand down to you and you'll grab it and be lifted up into the drop ceiling. In your memo to the floor, you made Walter dead. Now that he's walking, they assume that you brought him back to life. They believe you must both be destroyed before a race of walking dead is unleashed on the populace. The war between the army of the living and the army of the mistaken-for-undead has begun.

Happy Walter Isn't Sick Anymore Day!