Sunday, October 30, 2005

On Your Sailboat, Tell Each Other The Truth Day!

Point the boat at the horizon, bring her by your side and say, "That's where we're headed. Where we've been headed since we first looked into each other's eyes. To the end."

She'll kiss you. Hold her shoulders in your right arm.

Say, "I been fuckin' dudes. For about twenty or so years now. Fridays before I come home from work, I stop off at this bar where you can meet a dude you don't know and fuck him in the walk-in freezer. The bar charges 20 bucks for fifteen minutes."

She'll ask, "Does the 20 include a drink?"

Nod. "A well drink or domestic tap beer, yes."

She'll say, "Good deal. I understand."

Kiss the top of her head.

"I'm an agent for the Tri-Lateral Commission assigned to monitor your movements ever since your alien abduction in 1959," she'll say.

"Alien abduction?" you'll ask.

"Those doctors were agents," she'll say. "The hospital was privately run by the commission and we built it solely to house and examine abductees. When you woke up and they told you you'd been food poisoned and had fallen into a near-coma for four days, they lied. You had been returned to the earth not eleven hours prior. The dreams you remember were real."

Keep holding her.

"Why tell me all this?" ask her.

"This sunset is just so beautiful," she'll say. She'll look up at you. "Monitoring your movements these 35 years has been the most wonderful assignment."

"I hope I didn't disappoint," say.

"Far from it," she'll say. "Even after all these years, you never cease to amaze me. I can't stop talking about you to my husband."

"You're already married?" ask.

"Actually," she'll say. "I married you first, but that wasn't a real ceremony. I met my real husband twelve years ago when you and I went to Portugal on our anniversary."

Just think about it all for a second. Then ask:

"So you're cool with the dudes?"

She'll kiss your cheek and say, "Live your life. Mankind only has two years and four months left. We at the commission have a saying. 'There's not gonna be a tomorrow, what with the construction of the heat ray being ahead of schedule. So let's get the partying done tonight.'"

Happy On Your Sailboat, Tell Each Other The Truth Day!