Monday, October 24, 2005

Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up To Be Assassins Day

Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up To Be Assassins Day!

Tell them that killing for money should be considered a "plan B."

Your kids will stop torturing the squirrel that they captured and ask you what it was that you really wanted to do if you didn't always want to be an assassin.

"I wanted to be President of the United States," tell them.

Your kids will laugh so hard that the squirrel will bite through its restraints and escape into the wild.

"I'm serious," tell them. "And I could have been President if I hadn't wasted so much time screwing around. You could too."

Your kids will laugh even harder at this. "No we can't," they'll say. "You brought us into this country illegally." This is the truth.

"I was speaking metaphorically," tell them. "You can be anything you want to be. Except for stuff that's prohibited by law."

One of your kids will say, "Killing for money is prohibited by law."

"That's right," tell them. "And yet I kill for money! See, anything is possible!"

Your kids will shake their heads and turn their backs on you. You'll watch them take the cat they captured out of its box and prepare it for torture. Then you'll go upstairs and pray to your dead father (they used to call him "Vito The Gun" because he never went a day without firing his gun at somebody's face) for guidance.

Happy Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up To Be Assassins Day!