Saturday, October 08, 2005



Today at IHOP, 4:14 PM, you, a guy and a girl barely 20 saying nothing to each other, an elderly person with Downs syndrome, four unsupervised children under 10, and a woman writing a suicide note are all in this together.

The girl who's not talking to the guy she's with is going to turn to the elderly retard to say, "I like your Lord of the Rings tee shirt."

In an attempt to return the compliment, the elderly retard will reply, "I like Twix bar sundaes. They make them good here. They know how to do it."

The woman writing the suicide note will shout out to anyone, "What's the word for when you feel like you're just drifting through life and you get thrown this way and that way and this way and that way until you can't look into the mirror without wanting to puke."

One of the unsupervised children under 10 will shout, "Poopies!"

The other unsupervised children under 10 will giggle and confirm that the word for that condition is "Poopies."

You know that in certain respects, the unsupervised children are correct. But nonetheless, you should suggest to the woman writing the suicide note, "Rudderless."

The woman writing the suicide note will smile at you. "Thanks," she'll say. Then she'll write rudderless on her sheet of paper. You should make a move on her. No strings, most likely.

The boy barely 20 who hasn't said anything to the girl barely 20 will get up and walk outside, where he'll be shot twice execution style.

"He shouldn't have left the group," the elderly retard will say. The girl barely 20 will go and sit with the elderly retard and they'll talk about soda while you and the woman writing the suicide note will exchange smiles from across the dining room. Stacks of pancakes will come and they will go, almost as if the stacks of pancakes were rudderless, if one were to use the word "rudderless" incorrectly.

Happy IHOP Day!