Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Propose To The Deformed Man Who Lives In Your Attic Day

Propose To The Deformed Man Who Lives In Your Attic Day!

When your mother's will was finally read, everything seemed in order. You'll get the house and she'd like it if you lived in it. You get her wedding ring and her other jewelry. The life insurance payments would be split between you and your brother who lives in California (he is far more successful than you and did not need the trouble of dividing up the proceeds from the sale of a house). The only odd note in the will was where your mother demanded that you leave a bowl of chicken stew at the top of the stairs leading to the attic every night.

Thus you discovered the grunting and crippled man-beast that has lived in your attic all of your life. He claims to be two years older than you, but is at least a foot smaller. None of his limbs work the way they should, nor does he have a strong grasp on the English language. Additionally, he smells bad.

Propose. You've loved him ever since that first day you found him there but it's taken all these months for you to admit it. Just take his hand and ask him if he will be your husband. He'll say he can't because he is your brother.

At first you'll assume he's having trouble with the language again. But when he tells you the story of your mother giving birth to twins and deciding that one should put in the attic and punished as a spawn of Satan, as is dictated in the Bible someplace probably, you'll look in his eyes, at his brow and at the shadow of his cheeks, and you'll realize all these months you've been looking into the face of your brother in California (albeit with a slightly less even tan).

Call your brother and ask him about a twin.

"Oh yeah," he'll say. "Mom told me I had a twin but that they drowned him not long after delivery, as is dictated someplace in the Bible I think."

Tell him that his mother lied. Then tell him to come home.

Happy Propose To The Deformed Man Who Lives In Your Attic Day!