Monday, November 07, 2005

Get Your Free Gift Day

Get Your Free Gift Day!

You decided to open up a checking account at Great Coast Bank because they offered the best free gifts. You could choose from a golf putter, a "Day of Heaven" at a recommended local spa, two pot brownies, an "Orgy Map," or a date with the account representative who opens up the account for you.

"Tell me about the Orgy Map," you should ask. Your account representative will be trim and beautiful and married. She'll look a little like an ex-girlfriend with whom you had a pleasant but inconvenient relationship (she drove freight trains cross country).

"It's a comprehensive map of five neighboring counties that pinpoints where orgies and consenting adult singles parties of all varieties take place. The type of consenting adult singles party or orgy is color-coded, with each color defined in the key on the back of the map. For example, a red triangle on the map offers indicates that at that particular location, an orgy will be taking place and paid prostitutes will be present," she'll tell you. It's something she's memorized.

"Sounds pretty handy," you should say.

"If you enjoy local orgies and consenting adult singles parties, it is very handy yes sir," she'll say.

While you think about it, she'll continue entering your information into her terminal.

Ask her, "If I were trying to choose between the Orgy Map and a date with my account representative, which would you recommend?"

Your account representative, Tracy, will bloom with a blush rising from her small smile. "Well sir, the one drawback of the Orgy Map is that it has not been updated in four months. We're expecting the latest edition to arrive any day now."

"And the date with my account representative?" say. "Any drawbacks there?"

"I'm afraid I wouldn't be a good substitute gift for a customer who might have been interested in the Orgy Map," she'll say. But not in a way that says she's wary of you.

"What about for a customer who just didn't like the looks of that ring on your finger," say.

Tracy's smile will disappear. "That ring is going to be coming off soon. It's a rough time for me right now and I won't be ready to start anything new for a little while I'm afraid. If you were to choose a date with me, I would certainly provide you with good company for the evening, just as our brochure indicates. But even if we hit it off, the timing would doom us I'm afraid."

Say to Tracy, "Then perhaps in six months to a year I'll need to open up a savings account."

"That would be a very good idea, sir," she'll say. Her smile will come back. "Provided our free gift promotion continues indefinitely."

"I hope it will. For now, I'll take the Orgy Map," say.

"Even though it's out of date?"

Explain to her, "It's hard for an Orgy Map to be out of date. Your average monthly orgy worth any salt has been known to be a recurring event for as much as fifteen and twenty years."

"People don't wanna give up a good thing," she'll say.

"People don't wanna go find a whole new bunch of uglies to fuck next to, what it is," tell her. "I'll see you when you butter that ring off your finger Tracy."

"I hope you will," she'll say. "And don't forget to sign up for online bill pay. We're having a free enrollment period until the end of the month."

"I'm a go home and do that right now," tell her, even though you're not going to go home. Instead, you're going to drive at a very unsafe speed to the nearest orgy you can find on that map. Your anticipation to attend an orgy will be so overwhelming you'll break out in a sweat. When you arrive at the orgy, before going inside, walk around the block to let your clothes dry off.

Happy Get Your Free Gift Day!