Thursday, November 24, 2005

Fake Whiplash Day

Fake Whiplash Day!

Today you should put on a neck brace and accuse your wife of owing you millions of dollars because she made your neck hurt.

Tell your wife, "You told me they had refilled the dip in the vegetable tray at Steve's party. That made me turn and look and now my neck hurts too much to do anything ever. Pay me!"

Your wife will tell you she's tapped out.

"You spent all my money on mistresses," she'll say.

"Well then you better call Daddy because I'm taking you to the cleaners," tell her. "And I only ever had one mistress and she was very special so don't disrespect her by pretending she was just one in a long trail of puss for me."

Your wife will go to her father and ask for millions. He'll pay her promptly. "You gotta hold onto this guy," her father will say. "He's the best you ever had."

It's true. Her last husband was a bank robber that she fell in love with during the hostage bargaining. A justice of the peace who was also being held hostage married the two of them. They were only married for fourteen minutes before her new husband was shot eleven times by a SWAT team.

"But Daddy," she'll say. "I think he might be faking the whiplash."

Her father will explain that fake or no fake, when it comes to whiplash, whoever gets the neck brace on first wins. That's why if you think someone is about to claim that they have whiplash you have to grab their neck and hold onto it so that they can't get the neck brace on. Once they do, no jury in the world will rule against them.

"Pay him," her father will say.

She'll get you the money tonight. Spend it on something nice for her, like televisions. She's been good to you and she deserves some televisions.

Happy Fake Whiplash Day!