Thursday, November 17, 2005

Everyone But You Is Rich Day

Everyone But You Is Rich Day!

This evening, when you walk inside the bar to meet the woman you invited for drinks, you'll quickly discover that everyone in the bar but you is very wealthy. The first real sign of this is their coats. You can always tell someone's wealth by the cut of his coat. Everyone but you will be wearing wealthy people's coats.

The second sign of this will be when you get spotted by the bartender and he points at you while ringing a cowbell. Everyone in the bar will reel around at you and start screaming, "The Poor! The Poor!" They'll quickly slip face masks over their mouths to prevent contagion and as you walk through the bar to your date they'll all flick lit matches at you to warn you away from touching them or sitting on the empty stools next to them.

"Come here often?" your date will giggle through her facemask.

"Not the friendliest of clientele in here," you'll say.

"They're just scaredy cats when it comes to the poor," she'll say.

Ask her, "What makes you so brave?"

She'll peel off one of her rubber gloves and touch your hand with her bare skin. "Perhaps I'm so bored I could do with a little contagion in my body."

You'll get excited because she's making it pretty clear that she's going to bring you home to have sex with her, and whenever you have sex with rich people they give you something to eat afterwards.

Say to her, "Why don't we get the check and go someplace a little more welcoming. Like your Penthouse apartment."

She'll say, "You read my mind."

Say, "I did." Since you're poor, you know how to read minds. You also know how to steal electricity from the utility company.

She'll ask, "You don't have any children you're trying to win back through the legal system do you?"

Say no.

"Because I won't have any part in that. I just want to be intimate with you. I won't retain a lawyer for you."

Say she has nothing to worry about. Don't tell her about your daughter until after the sex, when she'll be so blown away that she'll phone up the most expensive lawyer in town for you and put it on her tab.

Happy Everyone But You Is Rich Day!