Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Break Up All Night Long Day

Break Up All Night Long Day!

You shouldn't start up before ten forty-five. You can be hanging around each other before then. In fact, you might need to be at dinner or something so that you can both just sit and marvel at how long you can share a 2 X 2 foot table without exchanging a single word of English. The walk home would also need to be passed in silence while each of you fights an imaginary and entirely satisfying fight with the other inside your respective heads. Once at home, it's plausible that you could just end up with one of you going to bed while the other IM's with an ex, like you've been doing every night. So someone's going to have to say something horrible to the other, like:

"Did you make the plane reservations? I don't want those to be screwed up the way you screwed up your career as a dancer."


"I have to get a good night's sleep tonight so when you come to bed don't kiss my cheek like you did last night."

Then just settle in for a good nine or ten hours of moving from room to room crying and blaming and talking about how happy you were when you went sledding once. Get out your suitcase and pack all of your clothes and things only so that you can throw the open suitcase against the hallway wall sending everything you own to rain down on your lover's head. Open up the history pane of your web browser and show your lover the long trail of viewed porn he leaves behind every time you step out of the room for ten minutes. Both of you should drink enough to take a break from the breaking up to have sex briefly, later allowing the act itself to serve as further evidence of your foundering bond.

Nearing dawn though, you should feel only sober, dry as a husk, yet strangely at peace. You'll both know that it's just the compensating high that comes before the exhaustion of a sleepless night takes its toll, but you'll find yourselves on the floor, sitting up against opposing walls, in good humor. At this point, you'll both feel as if you're fellow soldiers who've weathered a war together. You'll be able to laugh sparingly. You'll be able to divvy up your things, theoretically. You'll be able to touch hands and trade compliments on a relationship well-done. But most of all, you'll be able to imagine a night spent alone in a brand new apartment all your own. That vision of the life that awaits you will seem to be nothing short of paradise.

It won't be. You'll live surrounded by boxes, occasionally sleeping with your arms wrapped around a toaster that used to belong to your lover way back before you two even moved in together.

Happy Break Up All Night Long Day!