Sunday, November 27, 2005

Drinks Are On You, Asshole Day

Drinks Are On You, Asshole Day!

In 1888, your great grandfather invented something everybody needs, and your entire family has been rich ever since. All the money came down to you a year ago and when your Mom died, and you've been trying to come up with new fun ways to spend your wealth ever since. Today, you should go into a bar, buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks, then act like an asshole until you get chased outside.

"Drinks are on me!" shout into the crowd of patrons. Everyone will look at each other to see if anyone recognizes you, then they'll all agree to give thanks with a simultaneous, "Yaaay!"

Shout, "Yeah, I hope you choke on em you fucks!"

They'll all put down their glasses and wait for more from you. Don't give them anything. You don't want to blow your wad yet. Just let them all order their drinks, then lay your credit card down for the barkeep.

The barkeep will ask, "And what'll you have Niceguy?"

Tell him, "Nothing. I wouldn't drink with these miserable humps if it was gonna buy me two more mansions on two more mountaintops."

One of the customers will step off his stool and ask, "Do you have a problem with somebody mister?"

Say, "I got a problem with you if you're gonna drink up my charity and then mouth off to me."

The customer will say, "Come again?" Two of his neighbors will have climbed off of their stools to flank him.

Say, "You'll never see me come here again. Now slurp that welfare cheese of a whiskey so I can go and close down a racetrack just to see how fast my new Ferrari can vroom."

The customer will slam his drink down on the bar unfinished. "You take your money and you get outta here mister."

"I'll go when I please," say. "I'll go when the smell of your struggle to feed your kids gets too much for me."

At that, a shotglass will bounce off of your head. You'll be knocked to the floor but you'll be conscious. Crawl out to the sidewalk and start running. When it's clear that they aren't still following you, go into another bar and repeat. By the time the night is over, you'll have bought drinks for several hundred people, and every last one of them will hate your fat guts.

Happy Drinks Are On You, Asshole Day!