Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Your Favorite Rock Band Or Your Girlfriend Day

Your Favorite Rock Band Or Your Girlfriend Day!

They've both been taken hostage by one of those genius-killers who like to design their killing sprees according to twisted games that make statements on human nature and the state of morality in the 21st century. Like this one:

You've just woken up in the middle of a warehouse space, fastened to a rocking chair. Instinctively, you begin to rock. Across the floor, you spy two areas roped off by white plastic chains, the kind used to keep lines of people in order at crowded flower shows. In one of the roped off areas stands your girlfriend. In the other stands your favorite rock band, The Fiery Furnaces. You don't realize yet that something is wrong because you've just woken up. You try to get out of your chair and say to your girlfriend, "Wow Stacey, what are you and the Fiery Furnaces doing here in this warehouse?" but the straight razor strapped over your lips cuts a one inch gash into each corner of your mouth. You scream.

A voice is heard over a hidden public address system. It says, "Choose who will die. Your girlfriend, or the Fiery Furnaces."

After you ask a series of questions, including the following:


Who are you?

What if I refuse?

How can I trust that if I choose one to die, you'll let the other go?



you'll ask, "Why are you doing this?"

The killer will announce over the PA system, "You are not special. You are only the first. One day, everyone in this miserable country will be forced to choose between their girlfriend and their favorite rock band."

When it's clear that you, your girlfriend, and the Fiery Furnaces are all very confused, the killer will add, "If you know what I mean."

Finally, after another moment, the killer will add, "It'll make sense later. Just choose who gets offed."

The killer has promised that whomever you choose to live will be allowed to leave the warehouse unharmed, but he could not make you the same promise. Which means that you shouldn't base your decision in selfish reasoning, since you might killed along with whomever you choose to die. And whomever you choose to die will die painfully. So, should you allow your girlfriend to live, simply out of love for her? Or should you allow The Fiery Furnaces to live, so that the world might hear a follow-up LP to 2004's "Blueberry Boat?" Your girlfriend has little to offer the world at large, but many in her immediate circle of acquaintance will miss her dearly. But then again, The Fiery Furnaces has never cared for you while you were ill. But they have voiced numerous truths to you through their songs, truths that you might never have stumbled upon had you not heard their music.

Now your girlfriend and The Fiery Furnaces are all shouting your name, begging you to let them live. The Fiery Furnaces are promising a really great follow-up to 2004's "Blueberry Boat." Your girlfriend is demanding that you remember the weekend the two of you spent in Virginia.

The killer repeats. "Choose."

Incidentally, whomever you choose to die will be fed to a walk-in closet full of alligators. If you're killed (if!) you'll just be stabbed five times in the stomach and left to bleed until you're gone.

Happy Your Favorite Rock Band Or Your Girlfriend Day!