Saturday, March 12, 2005

Masquerade Day

Masquerade Day!

Rooting through your wife's handbag looking for her cocaine, you'll find an invite to a masquerade ball that occurred three weeks ago. Confront her.

"Did you find my cocaine?" Jenny will ask when you come back into the room.

Say, "You're out. We'll have to call Guillermo." Take the invitation out of your pocket. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"I didn't think you'd be interested," she'll say.

Say, "But you love masquerade balls. I would have gone for you."

Jenny will look down at the floor. Calculate.

"Wait a minute," say. "Three weeks ago I was in Cincinnati. I remember there was one night when I couldn't get you on the phone."

She'll say, "I went."


She'll shake her head.

"With Beth," you'll conclude.

Long, boring story short: Beth is your ex-wife who hired Jenny to have you killed. While plotting the assassination, Jenny fell in love with both Beth and with you, but she realized that you would provide her with the better future. So she broke it off with Beth, promised to kill her if any harm came your way, and married you. They're still friends.

"She's a lot of fun at masquerade balls," Jenny will say.

"And I'm not?" you'll say. But you know the answer to that. You always choose a "visual pun" kind of costume that requires lots of explanation. And you always complain of itching.

Say, "I feel so inadequate."

Jenny will say, "Only when it comes to masquerade balls. In every other area, except for ski weekends, you're the best."

Go outside on the front step and smoke. You should wait until the cocaine arrives before you two discuss this further. If you're both irritable because you haven't done any cocaine yet, you might say something you regret.

Happy Masquerade Day!