Saturday, March 26, 2005

Another Dead Gossip Columnist Day

Another Dead Gossip Columnist Day!

"Item! Someone really hates gossip columnists."

You're a coroner with a horrible sense of gallows humor. Everyone you work with hates you, especially your wife, which has made it more and more difficult to keep up the appearances of your folksy, privately run, Mom & Pop-style morgue.

"I wish you were a gossip columnist," your wife says as she pries open the rib cage.

"Fuck you dickhead," you say to your wife. "You're saying you wish I could die right along with all these poor celebrity chasers."

"I'm saying," she says, "that maybe it'd be nice if my husband had sought a more palatable career path."

"But you're a coroner too!" you shout.

The mayor breaks it up. "Will you too stop bickering and get me a clue to who's killing these gossip columnists?!"

"Sorry Mayor," you and your wife say. Your wife shoots you one last dirty look before getting to work.

"You're lucky I wanna keep these murders under the radar," the mayor said. "If I didn't think these deaths would cause a wave of panic that would cripple the city's PR industry, your folksy, privately run, Mom & Pop-style morgue wouldn't get a lick of business from me. They're much more pleasant at the City Morgue."

"You're right mayor," you say.

"Seriously, though," the mayor says. "You're both horrible people."

Happy Another Dead Gossip Columnist Day!