Teenage President Day!
As the first American ever to be elected President of the United States before turning twenty, you have put a new face on this country. You have brought the country's government into the hands of the country's future. You have quickened the blood in your countrymen's veins with a newfound vitality. You have told Congress to "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
But today, you will meet the greatest challenge of your brief tenure in office. At 3 PM, North Korea will detonate a nuclear bomb in New York City, immediately wiping out the metropolitan area and forcing evacuation of much of the surrounding region.
Many of your critics have ranted in their op-ed columns that you're the wrong man to run the country because you're just a teenager. This nuclear holocaust is the perfect opportunity to prove them wrong.
Happy Teenage President Day!