UFO Sucks You Into Outer Space Day!
So today a UFO will be sucking you into outer space. But before the UFO takes off, it will give you the opportunity to resolve one earthly concern of your choosing.
"Not that it really matters," the alien telling you all of this will tell you. "You were all always just a bunch of noise inside the fingernail of this gigantic dickhead that everyone in the Galaxy already hates. But we'll make a quick stop if you want to say something to somebody."
"Susie Camenbaren's house please," you'll say without a moment's thought.
So the UFO (it's as big as Washington DC) moves to Susie Camenbaren's tri-state area and extends a stairway of lights down so you two can talk. When you walk down the stairs, she's waiting there at the bottom with her football player boyfriend, Kurt Holtz.
"What's with the alien craft, faggot?" Kurt Holtz will say.
Tell him, "I just need a word with Susie, if that's okay with you Kurt."
Kurt doesn't look like he heard you, or at least it's not clear that he understood you, so you walk behind the stairway of lights with Susie Camenbaren.
"Pretty bitchin, yeah?" you say.
Susie says, "Why'd you bring this spaceship here, faggot?"
Tell her that you've had a crush on her ever since seventh grade and when the alien told you that you could visit with just one last person to resolve something, you chose her.
"Okay, faggot," Susie will say. "What are we resolving?"
"Well," say. "I've always loved you. And I brought extraterrestrials to your house."
Susie will say, "Ew!"
At that, a ray of heat from the hovering craft will destroy Susie, and another will destroy Kurt Holtz, who didn't even notice Susie's destruction before he himself had been turned into a small pile of ash that immediately blew away in the gust of air that travels off of the river often.
"Why'd you do that?" you'll ask the alien when you get back up to the ship.
"She was a cock," the alien will say. AND THUSLY SHALL YOUR ADVENTURES BEGIN.
Happy UFO Sucks You Into Outer Space Day!