Wednesday, May 21, 2003

The Old Standby Day!

You're beginning to panic that you might never touch a woman again. You are so, and don't interrupt me again you little, tiny boy.

You've exhausted the online personals and you've shown up to every after-work happy hour gathering but unless this hiring freeze ends there just aren't any more female coworkers to make passes at. To make matters worse, you're not wealthy.

But don't lose hope. There are other ways to meet women. Remember how your Dad and Mom got together?

That's right! They've been married for forty two years now, and all your Dad had to do was happen along just in time to prevent your mother's rape.

When he woke up that day, he certainly never expected to get a kiss goodnight from the woman he would one day marry. After all, your Dad had asked your Mom out the night before and she turned him down flat because she was going out on a date with your Dad's high school nemesis, Ricky Chesterton, a football player who was taller than your father and who had less of a grayish tint to his teeth.

But heartbroken and slumped-shouldered, your Dad spent the night shuffling through the local park wondering whether his special someone would ever come along. And his aimless meandering led him to one heck of a lucky break, because he practically tripped over your Mom, her blouse untucked and torn at the sleeve, struggling near the bank of a creek to wriggle out from underneath the very rape-intending Ricky Chesterton.

That's what's called being in the right place at the right time. Your Dad happened upon an opportunity for a love connection (your mother being raped), and he made the most of it (he told Ricky to leave her alone and Ricky said, "Get lost, Stormcloud Mouth" so your father went over to grab Ricky by his shoulders and Ricky stopped trying to rape your Mom so he could beat your Dad senseless. Your Mom was freed and she ran to a safe distance to watch your Dad get his ass kicked. When Ricky finished beating the shit out of your Dad, he saw where your Mom had run to and decided it wasn't worth it to chase after her because this was just an attempted date-rape, not an attempted real-rape, so Ricky just spit on your Dad and said, "You can have the bitch" and walked off alone, leaving your Dad and Mom to tend to each other's wounds and your Mom to fall in love with your Dad because those are the rules, if someone keeps you from being raped you have to fall in love with him).

I know it's old-fashioned, but so's falling in love. And how many of our parents met at a thwarted sexual assault? Old-fashioned or not, you have to go with what works. So the next time you see the girl you're in love with getting raped by the boy she really wanted to go out with, do something that says to her "Hey, I prevented your rape!"

See you at the wedding chapel!