Thursday, May 15, 2003

Don’t Put Your Kitten Into A Cardboard Box And Toss The Box Out The Window Of Your Moving Car And Onto The Grassy Median Of A Highway Day!

No one is judging you for needing to get rid of your kitten. It’s just dumb luck that only two months after you decided to take on little Liebniz you ended up having to move into a new apartment that doesn’t allow pets. You did all you could, going so far as asking your friends over drinks to keep their ears open for anyone in the market for a free kitten. But alas, no one took you up on the offer. What choice do you have now?

The streets are too overcrowded with strays so you can’t just leave her on the sidewalk to fend for herself. And you’re too good a person to snap a kitten’s neck with your bare hands. “Guess I’d better just put Liebniz into a cardboard box and toss her out of my speeding car onto the grassy highway median strip,” you say to yourself while watching television. “That way, she’ll eventually either starve to death or go mad and rush out onto the lanes to perish underneath a truck tire.”

It seems like the most humane alternative in theory, but you have to consider the visual. A cardboard box tumbles from a speeding car onto a median strip. Ten seconds after the box comes to a stop, whatever is inside it begins to stir. What could it be, pushing and poking at the box flaps to free itself of its cardboard cage. What could it be but…an adorable little kitten, stubbing its cute little nose out with the same wide-eyed curiosity as if she just popped out from underneath your bedcovers to see if anyone wants to play. But rather than a big ball of yarn to bat about, Liebniz will only have the scream of interstate traffic and the thick fog of auto exhaust to play with. But she’ll climb out and she’ll sit atop her cardboard box and she’ll wait for someone to come along and love her.

“But there’s bound to be some prison inmates coming through to clean up litter. She’ll be fine!” you say to yourself while baking. Fuck you! Don’t put your kitten into a cardboard box and toss the box out the window of your moving car and onto the grassy median of a highway. If you need to get rid of her, close up all the windows and puts rags under the doors and turn the gas on before splitting for a couple hours. When you come back, she’ll be quite peacefully deceased.