Monday, March 31, 2003

Justice Of The Peace Day!

It's about time you got the go-ahead from the state to start marrying folks to each other. A good, disease-free Justice of the Peace can make around 300 bucks for every fifteen minute service, and you get to keep tabs on who's getting married to who. And since most of those people you'll be marrying will probably intend to have some kids, you'll basically be getting advance word on the future of the human race. Sure, the people you marry are a pretty small fraction of all the people who are going to be having kids as time unfolds. But it is relatively random and therefore representational since the only way you get your marrieds is through people finding you in the phone book or from referrals. So, by being a Justice of the Peace you will be able to see into the future. Also, since you will be joining people together forever you can be said to have the power of love at your fingertips. Plus the buffets and open bar at some weddings can so make up for gas money to and fro. And you'll also be meeting a lot of people at the weddings and you might one day be standing on the other side of that altar.

Need another reason? How about the fact that you can carry a loaded gun and park wherever the hell you want? You can't beat this gig, so just drop out of pharmacy school already and become a Justice of the Peace. You can even write your own slogan for your ad in the phone book. Like this one, "Performing secular marriages and administering his own brand of justice throughout the tri-state area."

Happy Justice Of The Peace Day!