Wednesday, March 26, 2003

A Shot From Every Handgun Day!

Wondering why the world seems just about to burst apart at the seams in a scream of hellfire? Perhaps it's all the unfired handguns.

If you were sitting crosslegged on the floor in a small windowless room trying to read a magazine about blonde men, and just a few feet away from you there was a bomb loaded to the brim with enough explosive material to flatten a few city blocks and all you had to do was walk over to it and push one little button, would you be able to concentrate on your magazine, or would you feel a little bit like there's something pretty hugely fucking unresolved in the air?

Well that's pretty much how we all go through our day without even realizing it because at any given moment we're, all of us, just a few steps away from a shiny, poorly hidden handgun that has never once been discharged. It's loaded, maybe it's even cocked and about to slide off a dressertop onto the hammer if someone just happens to slam the door a little too aggressively. If it falls and goes off, yeah someone might get shot but at least the fucking bullet will finally shoot out of the goddamn barrel and the whole point of the contraption's existence will finally be fucking ripped out of potentifuckingality!

Sorry. It's just that every Thursday afternoon over twelve suburban women buy handguns "just in case." And that "just in case" might never ever happen and it's starting to hurt. So today if you have a handgun and there's a bullet inside it you have to pull the trigger. Everyone's going to feel a lot more at ease once all that artillery starts to fly and I'd like to point out that throughout this entire post about guns not being fired there has been no mention made of blue balls until now. Handguns full of bullets not being fired is just like erect cocks not being stimulated to the point of ejaculating semen.

Happy A Shot From Every Handgun Day!