Sunday, May 01, 2005

Your Son Put The Cat In The Dryer Day

Your Son Put The Cat In The Dryer Day!

Only for a few seconds, he says. And the cat does seem okay, so he's probably telling the truth. All the same, you've never walked in on your son torturing an animal before and you're more than a little ill-at-ease with the whole thing.

Sit him down and say to him, "You know how at school they told you that smoking marijuana is a gateway drug. That if you smoke marijuana you're automatically addicted to crack even if you've never smoked it before?"

He'll say yeah.

"Well," tell him. "Torturing animals is a gateway cruelty. If you torture your pets, you're gonna want to kill people and maybe eat them and you'll probably be queer too. You'd probably want to kill everyone but me because I'm your mom and you're more terrified of me than of God."

He'll cry, "I don't wanna be queer!"

Say, "Then don't put Sir Galahad in the dryer."

He'll promise to never do it again. But just to make sure he's learned his lesson, give him his standard punishment and lock him in the attic for a month. His high school is going to be calling. Just say that he has mono. They all have mono anymore.

Happy Your Son Put The Cat In The Dryer Day!