Underneath Your Skirt Day!
Today, if you look underneath your skirt you will find a small, golden envelope. Pull it off of you and open it. If the slip of paper inside the envelope reads, "Special Friend," you have been chosen, along with twelve other women (culled from millions), to ride a new roller coaster with 12 wealthy men who find your company pleasurable but only in a "she rides roller coasters with me but I don't think she's pretty enough to have sex with" kind of way. When the ride is over, the 12 wealthy men will run into the arms of 12 women who were too scared to take the ride. The 12 wealthy men will tell these women all about the thrill of the ride and, if you were nice to them, they will tell these women how nice you were. These women are the wealthy men's fiances.
If the slip of paper inside the envelope reads, "June 4th," you have been chosen to marry a gentle man of average means. He will give you a happy life, but it is unclear whether you will love him or not since the whole shebang is pretty random.
If the slip of paper inside the envelope reads, "Try Again," you should check under your skirt on the second Monday in June to see what's inside the envelope you find stuck to you.
Happy Underneath Your Skirt Day!