Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Lions Day

Lions Day!

Today, before you even got up, lions came. They smelled you and moved on. That wet spot on your bed sheet: lion saliva.

The lions are still in the town and they've eaten two people you like but no one you loved. One enemy is dead too and things are going to be a little easier for you vis a vis securing that research grant. But you'll feel terrible about the way it will have come about.

These lions though, they're not your everyday lions. That will be made clear when zoo officials appear on the news and say, "We got all our lions. Go look for yours!"

"Who else has lions in this town?" the president of the town will ask.

"The cancer lab," the town's drunk will remind him.

The town cancer lab has been in operation for nearly four years now, ever since the president of the town decided to throw his hat in the ring for a shot at all that cancer curing money. So far, the lab has not come up with a cancer antidote. But it has supposedly made progress.

"I just need some lions," said Dr Bennett the skinny scientist to the town president eighteen months ago.

Twelve lions were shipped into town lickety-split. What no one knew was that Dr Bennett really knew nothing about curing cancer. But he has always believed that with corrected serotonin levels the lions could gain the intelligence necessary to rule the world with both force and book-smarts.

"These lions," Dr Bennett is going to shout at the town president. "They're as smart as you or me. Well, as smart as you at least. They must be stopped!"

They didn't kill you because your remaining alive is necessary. They killed your enemy, the only competitor for your funding, because he is in the way. They killed two of your acquaintances because it was necessary that they also be eliminated, but for different reasons. They have a plan. And crazy as it may sound, the success of their plan is partially dependant upon whether or not you finish your thesis on pro-rape rhetoric within commercial Greeting Card copy of the past thirty years. Hit the books or the lions will get angry and eat all of us.

Happy Lions Day!