Thursday, May 12, 2005

Cut Yourself Out Of A Picture Day

Cut Yourself Out Of A Picture Day!

Today is a special one for any of you who might hate yourselves or any of you who are so obsessed over an ex or that you feel like you're starting to disappear. So, 94% of this website's audience, this one's for you!

The picture you use should be that iconic photo, the one that a camera would find and zoom in on real close and then fade out on if your house was on fire and there was a cameraman inside it trying to figure out why it's come to this. It's the Christmas photo, you and the best thing that ever happened to you kissing in front of a tree, all smiles, all happiness and "I'll never go away." The photo should be wrinkled and water-stained from sitting in between your sweaty fingertips for four hours a night while you drink yourself to sleep

Take the scissors and cut yourself out of the photo, but not in a healthy, "as far as I'm concerned I never even met you" kind of way (boring!). If you're not sure if you're in the right mindset, instead of using scissors try using a serrated steak knife and slice yourself out of the picture. Feel "right?" Perfect.

The mindset is the one where it's all about, "I was the problem. I sent her away. This photo of her beautiful face is ruined by my presence." You should be pleading with dark forces for relief from your pain, whispering to a voodoo God while you slice and snip, "See, I'm not crowding him. I'll pull away if you bring him back to me. No evidence of us ever having been together, so please just let us start fresh like neither of us ever screamed a warning of violence into the other's face."

Basically, you should feel that you don't deserve to have any proof that he or she ever welcomed your touch. Do it because you still believe that it's meant to be, because you still believe that if you're given a second chance you'll know how to keep from screwing things up. Do it because you haven't slept in six days and because you're on your living room floor and you can't get up and you have a very stale smell about you.

Happy Cut Yourself Out Of A Picture Day!