Thursday, July 29, 2004

It's The Girls Are Pretty Flowering The Gravestones Long Weekend!

As many of you may know, Prettygirl is not known to bring the best of luck to those who care for her. In fact, those who grow close to Prettygirl can expect to die a very funny death within a year's time (ie: stopping in the path of a speeding bus to check if one's zipper is down. HA!). This string of sadness is the result of a curse cast upon Prettygirl by a spurned lover (PRETTYGIRL CHEATED CHEATED CHEATED!). It can be reversed. The blood of that former lover must be fed to a black cat. A Craig's Listing has been posted, but the only responses that have come in are people screeching about satanic cults and berating Prettygirl for wanting a cat of a particular color when there are so many beautiful animals in the world that need a home.

But all that's not important right now. This weekend is about those who are no longer with us. Prettygirl's mail carrier Janice for instance. Her Portugal friend, Marcus. These people died simply because they came to care for Prettygirl, and this weekend she will be paying her respects. Their graves are spread far and wide, but make no mistake, a flower will be lain upon each.

It's gonna take a little bit of time though. So most of this weekend's are going up now. YOU CANNOT READ TOMORROW'S TODAY OR THERE WILL BE NO TOMORROW, GOT IT (DICKS)?!!

Sunday, August 1, 2004

Buying The Special Toy Day!

Your kid wants the Mattel Piss Cannon, a toy that has turned into a National Phenomenon. It goes on sale this morning at Wal-Mart and will be sold out by 8 AM. Camp out in the parking lot, but do not sleep or you might get your throat slit. When the doors open in the morning, find the biggest toughest Mom in the crowd and rip her goddamn throat out her neck to show all the other Moms you're not to be fucked with. If you don't acquire a Mattel Piss Cannon this morning, you do not love your son.

Happy Buying The Special Toy Day!

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Get A Boyfriend Day!

You've been single for what seems like an ugly person's lifetime. You don't mind it much, you value your time and you have a lot of work to do. But your friends and family assume you are going to kill yourself the first moment you get alone. Ease their worry and take up with the first employed man you meet. This is not about love, it's about not looking like a loser. If he hits, get out of there.

Happy Get A Boyfriend Day!

Friday, July 30, 2004

Giant Awesome Explosion Day!

It’s only awesome because no one is going to be hurt. If anyone gets hurt, there’s nothing awesome about it, are we understood?

Very well. Today the Mayor’s office is going to blow up a 50 foot pyramid of spraypaint cans. The initial blast will have a very tinny sound, and then everyone and everything will be covered in a rainbow of toxic paint, illustrating the undeniable fact that the world is beautiful and dying.

Happy Giant Awesome Explosion Day!

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Insane Gas Meter Reader Day!

The gas meter reader is not dangerous. But she is delusional and has many bouts of paranoia. Don’t talk on the phone while she reads your meter. If she overhears you say anything, she’ll think it’s about her and before she leaves she’ll confront you.

Were you speaking to Dina? It sounded like my friend Dina was on the other end of that line.

Happy Insane Gas Meter Reader Day!