Friday, July 02, 2004

The Boys In This Town Day!

The boys in this town are all the same. They love their cars first and foremost. Then they love their mamas. And not a one of them is willing to stay out past dark with a girl for fear of being chewed through by the nine-foot tall hobgoblin that lives in the woods.

You've dated nineteen of them and you've got six more you're going to cross off your list before you move three towns over to Houston, TX. Of those nineteen so far, must have been twelve of them who claim to have been bit on the ankle and dragged through the grass nearly into the thick of the woods by the toothy mouth of the hobgoblin.

"How'd you get away?" you asked every damn one of them.

And every damn one said, "Ma rang the dinner bell."

"Sounds like one faggoty ass hobgoblin if he can be scared off by the sound of a dinner bell," you started telling them after about the sixth one. That'd usually break the two of you up. No one fucks with the dinner bell where you're living.

Marcus Landry was the only one you ever convinced to stay out with you as late as ten PM. The two of you were going down on each other in the backseat of Marcus' Pontiac when the hobgoblin punched through the fogged up rear windshield and dragged Marcus out of the car and off into the woods. Marcus' body was never found since no one will go into those woods.

Since then, you've been known by the mothers in the town as "Trouble." The mothers have been counseling their sons to stay away from you, which has actually sent a few more phone calls your way. When a Mom describes a girl as "trouble," the son only hears "whore."

So you've dated three since Marcus. Tonight, or maybe just "Today," you've got number four, Jamie Kraus. You're meeting Jamie at the Dairy Queen at four, then you're going to walk along the creek together. At 6:30, let him feel your boobs, which are still pretty bitchin' for a 31 year old. Hopefully, the promise of more, or at least the promise of more boobs, will keep you and Jamie out deep into moonlight tonight.

But if Jamie ends up getting eaten by the hobgoblin, you should leave town. After Marcus got killed, there was a quickly squelched effort by some of the mothers to string you up in the middle of town and slit your throat in front of a crowd. Kill another of their sons and reason might not prevail this time.

Happy The Boys In This Town Day!