Monday, July 05, 2004

It's the Girls Are Pretty "So Much Beauty There In That Circle" Sunday And Monday!

Check it out. Prettygirl sat down yesterday to deliver your personal regression assignment, but she was interrupted by a knock on her door. It was a Policeman.

"Yes?" Prettygirl asked. "And how can I help you officer?"

"Were you close with your next door neighbor? Ms. Polnechek?" asked the Policeman.

"Oh no one was close with Ms. Polnechek," said Prettygirl. "She was far too beautiful. The most beautiful girl in the whole building. Perhaps on the entire block."

The Policeman went on to explain that Ms. Polnechek had jumped from her window just an hour prior. A note was found in her apartment asking what the point was.

Prettygirl voiced her terror. "But if such a beautiful young woman cannot find reason to continue…"

"What hope is there for the rest of us?" said the Policeman with a rueful nod.

After a brief embrace, Prettygirl asked the Policeman whether there was anything she could do to help. The Policeman explained that they had run out of chalk.

"I was halfway through the outline when I started tearing open the skin of my fingertips," he said.

So the long and short of it is Prettygirl spent most of yesterday on the horn trying to track down a fresh piece of chalk, and most of today trying to figure shit out with her new Policeman friend. So, here's yesterday's and today's. Scroll way down and read yesterday's, then scroll a little ways up and read today's, or else that pretty little nose of yours is coming off. Tomorrow'll hitcha tomorrow, like it's sposed'ta.

Monday, July 5th, 2004

Does She Weigh One Hundred And Twenty Pounds Day!

The girl of your dreams, they claim. She'll be meeting you at seven.

"Does she weigh one hundred and twenty pounds?" you ask.

Yes, they lie.

"I'll be weighing her the minute we meet, so you needn't waste her time if you're not telling me the truth."

One hundred and eighteen, they say.

"And how exactly am I supposed to replace a one hundred and twenty pound ancient totem with a one hundred and eighteen pound girl without tripping the booby traps?" you ask, and rightly so. Rightly so.

They say that love requires compromise and you demand your money back.

Happy Does She Weigh One Hundred And Twenty Pounds Day!

Sunday, July 4th, 2004

She Fell Asleep In Her Black Panties On Top Of Your Comforter Day!

You're not gonna be able to sleep for a little while, so load your handgun and position your desk chair so as it's facing the door to your apartment. Wait.

For a burglar. For a serial murderer. For the brother of a boy she killed twelve states away, the brother who has finally found the vengeance he's been hunting. Perhaps.

Wait, occasionally cocking the hammer of the handgun in case anyone's listening on the other side of the door.

In fact, compose a sign and run downstairs to post it on the bulletin board by the mailboxes. Fasten it over top the babysitter available and man with van flyers that have the little phone numbers dangling from the end. Your sign could say:

My girlfriend is here. Congratulations. You've found her. She's asleep and at peace in Apt 4D and asleep and at peace she'll stay.

I am unemployed and I am armed. And I am prepared to do what is necessary to prevent her from being disturbed.

Until I find work again, you can take it as truth that if you try to kill my girlfriend I will try to kill you. And even when I find work again, you can expect that I will set traps.

If you've come here to kill my girlfriend, good luck. Let the games begin baby baby baby.

Then go back upstairs and cock your handgun a few more times. Then check moviefone for Spiderman 2 showtimes. She'll be up by nine I bet.

Happy She Fell Asleep In Her Black Panties On Top Of Your Comforter Day!